Author Topic: Joke for today--keep it clean.  (Read 37091 times)

Online Monroe

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #20 on: January 18, 2016, 01:24:31 PM »
why there are no dinosaurs
Jewel & I have had a beautiful journey together

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #21 on: January 18, 2016, 08:23:14 PM »
A man and a woman get married. On their wedding night, the man takes his boxer shorts off, tosses them to the woman and tells her to put them on. She thinks the request is a little strange but goes ahead and puts them on. They fall to the floor so she pulls the up and again they fall to the floor. She tells him, " I can't wear these". He says, "you are right and as long as we are married, I'll wear the pants in this family".

She gently tosses her panties over to him and tells him to slip them and on. He tries but it is obvious he can't even begin to pull them up. The man tells her, " there is no way I can get into your panties". She says, " exactly, and it's not going to happen until you change your attitude".

Mr B    ;D   Mr B    ;D

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #22 on: January 18, 2016, 09:41:32 PM »
I am a Seenager   (senior teenager)

 

"I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.

I don’t have to go to school or work.

I get an allowance every month.

I have my own pad.

I don’t have a curfew.

My own John Deere mower.

I have a driver’s license and my own car.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.

And I don’t have acne.

Life is Good!"   ;D ;D ;D ;D
« Last Edit: January 18, 2016, 09:48:34 PM by crazyhorse »

Online Double B

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #23 on: January 28, 2016, 11:15:02 AM »
A husband and wife were shopping when the man put a case of beer in their cart. His wife asks, " What do you think you are doing? We can't afford that". He said it is on sale for $10.00. She tells him to put it back.

A couple of isles over the wife puts a jar of face cream in the buggy and the husband asked, " What do you think your doing buying that? She says it is only $20.00 and it makes me beautiful ! He said so does 24 Budweisers and its half price of that!!

You can find him laying face down on aisle 5.
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Online Monroe

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #24 on: January 28, 2016, 01:28:50 PM »
old man mentioned to the doc that he thought his wife was having hearing problems. Doc told him a quick test to do at home & if she failed just make an appointment.
                              40 ft away the old man in a normal voice asked what's for supper
                               No response
                               30' again what's for supper--no response
                                20 ft' same question same response
                                 10' same thing
 the old man came right up behind her & a little louder asked What's for supper
 his little old wife turned around & yelled back "For The Fifth Time Chicken"
Jewel & I have had a beautiful journey together

Offline cubman

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #25 on: January 28, 2016, 02:10:21 PM »
A man and a woman get married. On their wedding night, the man takes his boxer shorts off, tosses them to the woman and tells her to put them on. She thinks the request is a little strange but goes ahead and puts them on. They fall to the floor so she pulls the up and again they fall to the floor. She tells him, " I can't wear these". He says, "you are right and as long as we are married, I'll wear the pants in this family".

She gently tosses her panties over to him and tells him to slip them and on. He tries but it is obvious he can't even begin to pull them up. The man tells her, " there is no way I can get into your panties". She says, " exactly, and it's not going to happen until you change your attitude".

BWHAHAHahahahahaaaaaaaaa...!   ;D ;D ;D
just because you can tell me the physical properties of your shoe laces doesn't mean you have the common sense to tie them...

Offline MikeM

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #26 on: January 29, 2016, 10:58:05 AM »
 ;D  I should have seen that one coming but I didn't
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Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #27 on: February 02, 2016, 11:50:21 PM »
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
 In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

 They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

 The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
 The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
 After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
 She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
 I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

 The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
 Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
 She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

 After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: "comfortable."

 The operator shakes his head.
 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

 The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde.
 The word's big.

 She'll read it very slowly ...

 com-for-da-bull."    ;D ;D ;D ;D

Offline MikeM

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #28 on: February 03, 2016, 10:16:35 AM »
 ;D  I didn't see that one coming either but it is funny.
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19 acres in southern Middle TN

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #29 on: February 05, 2016, 03:16:05 AM »

Sentenced to death by electric chair for telling bad jokes::


Executioner: (tightens the  straps) "Any last words?"

Prisoner: "I think male oysters should be called boysters."

Executioner : " Will someone throw the  switch!!!"

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #30 on: February 11, 2016, 12:52:03 AM »
The owner of a golf course in Missouri was confused about paying an invoice. 
He decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
 He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the
 University of Missouri and I need some help.
 If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

 The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,


"Everything but my earrings."  ;D

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #31 on: February 15, 2016, 02:50:09 AM »
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos
 for the day.
That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering
 under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

“Henry had a stroke of some kind.
 He's a couple of miles back up the
 trail," the successful hunter replied.

“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they
 inquired.

 A tough call," nodded the hunter.

"But I figured no one is going to
 steal Henry." ;D

Online Maggie13

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #32 on: February 15, 2016, 04:51:58 AM »
21' X 48' High Tunnel
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Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #33 on: February 16, 2016, 12:19:36 AM »
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
 particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting
 for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with
 him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
 They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
 They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
 always let them play for free anytime!"

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I
 think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

 The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
 colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"



Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #34 on: February 22, 2016, 12:55:43 AM »
Wife writes  a letter to her husband explaining why she is leaving him.


https://www.wattpad.com/187999696-country-quotes-79

Offline woodchip gardener

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #35 on: February 23, 2016, 07:03:00 PM »
technically not a joke, but it made me giggle...

Inch by inch, row by row
Someone bless these seeds I sow
Someone warm them from below
Till the rain comes tumblin' down
-The Garden Song

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #36 on: February 24, 2016, 12:31:06 AM »
Mrs Gardener  ;D    Mrs Gardener    ;D

Good one.

Offline bordercollie

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #37 on: February 24, 2016, 08:24:53 PM »
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
 In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

 They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

 The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
 The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
 After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
 She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
 I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

 The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
 Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
 She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

 After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: "comfortable."

 The operator shakes his head.
 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

 The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde.
 The word's big.

 She'll read it very slowly ...

 com-for-da-bull."    ;D ;D ;D ;D
                                                                hahaha !! Mr Horse Mr Horse !!   :)   judy

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #38 on: February 28, 2016, 03:19:16 AM »
When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you."
 He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
 "Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard.
 I've already been through a test.
My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
 "Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions.
 Here they are."
 1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
 2) How many seconds are in a year?
 3) What is God's first name?
 "Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy.
Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
 St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
 "The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year?
Twelve."
 "Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
 "Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean.
 I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
 "And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name?
It's Andy."
 "Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
 "I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
 St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said,

 "Run, Forest, Run!"

Online Maggie13

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #39 on: February 28, 2016, 05:41:03 AM »
Thank you for my more chuckle.
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