Author Topic: Joke for today--keep it clean.  (Read 42725 times)

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #460 on: September 07, 2017, 12:42:23 AM »
Q.  Why did the Golden Delicious go to jail?
A.  He was a rotten apple.

Q.  Why did the potatoes get a divorce?
A.  Because they couldn’t see eye to eye.

Q: How well is your garden going to grow?
A: Only thyme will tell

Q: Why did the gardener quit?
A: His celery wasn’t high enough


Q: Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
A: They were too corney.



Q: Why did the gardener leave the store without a  new shovel?
A: He did not have enough cabbage.

 

Q: Why did the tomato and the corn fall in love?
A: He whispered sweet nothings into her ear.

 

Q: What do you get when you mix a relative and a fruit?
A: A Granny Smith

Q: Why did the corn get sent to jail?
A: She was caught stalking the tomato.

Q: How come the horse would not go faster than a walk?
A: He Cant-a-loupe

Q: What’s the gardeners favorite court sport?
A: Squash

Q: Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
A: He had a really long Honeydew list.

Offline Ben

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #461 on: September 13, 2017, 02:32:43 PM »
TWO PRIESTS---Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.
The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a “drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father” – “Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning Father,” . . . “Good morning Father,” and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn’t stand it and said. “Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”

“Oh Father, don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Angela!”
Northwest La. zone 8b

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #462 on: September 14, 2017, 02:41:33 AM »
Mr Ben ;D  Mr Ben ;D

Offline Ben

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #463 on: October 04, 2017, 10:23:33 PM »
Breaking News!!!!!!!

Chicago Police have replaced all sirens with the National Anthem to force fleeing suspects to stop running & take a knee.
Northwest La. zone 8b

Offline Tazzy Turfer

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #464 on: October 05, 2017, 12:00:40 AM »
G'day All,
I am not sure if you would call it a joke , but in the toilets at the local pub someone had made tiny arrows in texta pen across the wall to the right side of the urinal & when you follow the arrows in tiny writing on the far wall said " Now you are Peeing on your right foot"! 
 Regards Pete
Life is like a roll of toilet paper, The closer you get to the end the faster it goes, So don't waste any of it!!

Online Maggie13

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #465 on: October 05, 2017, 08:01:25 AM »
Breaking News!!!!!!!

Chicago Police have replaced all sirens with the National Anthem to force fleeing suspects to stop running & take a knee.

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Knox, New York   zone 4B

Online Monroe

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #466 on: October 05, 2017, 09:56:25 AM »
wanting to give his students a visual of what mass hysteria was with a follow up discussion he showed them a tape of  Elvis's first concerts. About the half way through the first Elvis number several of the girls in the class went into total hysteria with the girls on the screen. The teacher was amazed and asked the girls if they were big Elvis fans, no we don't know much about him, we just saw our Mothers
Jewel & I have had a beautiful journey together

Online Maggie13

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #467 on: November 02, 2017, 08:04:56 AM »
Not a joke but I found it to be funny!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynO-bqU6tUk
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Online Ragun Gardener

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #468 on: November 02, 2017, 11:00:27 AM »
Two rednecks, Bubba and Gator, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of bud.
The passenger, Bubba,said. "Lookey up thar, Gator, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin these beers!!
"Don't worry Bubba". "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat".
"What fer?" Asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin okay?" Said Gator.
Well, they finished their beers,threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sherriff said, "You boys been drinkin?".
"No sir" Gator said. "We're on the patch."

Online Ragun Gardener

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #469 on: November 09, 2017, 09:14:42 PM »
Boudreaux was in the big city and shopping at a high end electronics store when he comes across a device he just can't hardly believe has been invented. So he buys himself a genuine lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie, more out of curiosity than anything.
He gets the robot back home and decides to test it out during suppertime that night. Boudreaux asks his son, T-Boud, what he did that afternoon. T-Boud says, "I did some homework me."
The robot slaps T-Boud.
T-Boud says, "Ok, Ok, I was at my friend's house watching movies."
Boudreaux asks, "What movie did you watch my boy?"
T-Boud says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps him again.
T-Boud says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Boudreaux says, "What?!!? At your age, I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps Boudreaux.
Marie laughs and says, "Well, dat certainly is your boy."
The robot slaps Marie.
The robot is now for sale.

Online bobcatgardener

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #470 on: November 10, 2017, 12:29:33 PM »
Phhhaaaaahahahaha. Dats a good one Rajun!

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #471 on: November 11, 2017, 03:13:06 AM »
YES it is .
Thanks for posting.

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #472 on: November 21, 2017, 12:37:17 AM »
Well with tax time coming up I just had to post this.


Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.
 Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
 Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road.
The policeman stopped traffic and recovered the box.
It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."  ;D

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #473 on: November 21, 2017, 01:15:01 AM »
 A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
 After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied,  but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
 Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was,
 'Get the quarterback!
 Get the quarterback!'
 I'm like, hello?
It's only 25 cents!"  ;D