Author Topic: Joke for today--keep it clean.  (Read 67806 times)

Offline crazyhorse

  • Sprout
  • **
  • Posts: 1872
    • View Profile
Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #460 on: September 07, 2017, 12:42:23 AM »
Q.  Why did the Golden Delicious go to jail?
A.  He was a rotten apple.

Q.  Why did the potatoes get a divorce?
A.  Because they couldn’t see eye to eye.

Q: How well is your garden going to grow?
A: Only thyme will tell

Q: Why did the gardener quit?
A: His celery wasn’t high enough


Q: Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
A: They were too corney.



Q: Why did the gardener leave the store without a  new shovel?
A: He did not have enough cabbage.

 

Q: Why did the tomato and the corn fall in love?
A: He whispered sweet nothings into her ear.

 

Q: What do you get when you mix a relative and a fruit?
A: A Granny Smith

Q: Why did the corn get sent to jail?
A: She was caught stalking the tomato.

Q: How come the horse would not go faster than a walk?
A: He Cant-a-loupe

Q: What’s the gardeners favorite court sport?
A: Squash

Q: Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
A: He had a really long Honeydew list.

Offline Ben

  • Grasshopper
  • *
  • Posts: 560
    • View Profile
Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #461 on: September 13, 2017, 02:32:43 PM »
TWO PRIESTS---Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.
The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a “drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father” – “Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning Father,” . . . “Good morning Father,” and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn’t stand it and said. “Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”

“Oh Father, don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Angela!”
Northwest La. zone 8b

Offline crazyhorse

  • Sprout
  • **
  • Posts: 1872
    • View Profile
Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #462 on: September 14, 2017, 02:41:33 AM »
Mr Ben ;D  Mr Ben ;D

Offline Ben

  • Grasshopper
  • *
  • Posts: 560
    • View Profile
Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #463 on: October 04, 2017, 10:23:33 PM »
Breaking News!!!!!!!

Chicago Police have replaced all sirens with the National Anthem to force fleeing suspects to stop running & take a knee.
Northwest La. zone 8b

Offline Tazzy Turfer

  • Grasshopper
  • *
  • Posts: 446
    • View Profile
Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #464 on: October 05, 2017, 12:00:40 AM »
G'day All,
I am not sure if you would call it a joke , but in the toilets at the local pub someone had made tiny arrows in texta pen across the wall to the right side of the urinal & when you follow the arrows in tiny writing on the far wall said " Now you are Peeing on your right foot"! 
 Regards Pete
Life is like a roll of toilet paper, The closer you get to the end the faster it goes, So don't waste any of it!!

Offline Maggie13

  • Dirt Dabber
  • ***
  • Posts: 2055
  • built-incabinets.com
    • View Profile
    • built-incabinets.com
Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #465 on: October 05, 2017, 08:01:25 AM »
Breaking News!!!!!!!

Chicago Police have replaced all sirens with the National Anthem to force fleeing suspects to stop running & take a knee.

21' X 48' High Tunnel
Knox, New York   zone 4B

https://www.wunderground.com/hourly/us/ny/knox/12107

Offline Monroe

  • Sprout
  • **
  • Posts: 1895
  • From age 13 She has been by my side. Thank you God
    • View Profile
Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #466 on: October 05, 2017, 09:56:25 AM »
wanting to give his students a visual of what mass hysteria was with a follow up discussion he showed them a tape of  Elvis's first concerts. About the half way through the first Elvis number several of the girls in the class went into total hysteria with the girls on the screen. The teacher was amazed and asked the girls if they were big Elvis fans, no we don't know much about him, we just saw our Mothers
Jewel & I have had a beautiful journey together

Offline Maggie13

  • Dirt Dabber
  • ***
  • Posts: 2055
  • built-incabinets.com
    • View Profile
    • built-incabinets.com
Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #467 on: November 02, 2017, 08:04:56 AM »
Not a joke but I found it to be funny!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynO-bqU6tUk
21' X 48' High Tunnel
Knox, New York   zone 4B

https://www.wunderground.com/hourly/us/ny/knox/12107

Offline Ragun Gardener

  • Sprout
  • **
  • Posts: 1829
  • Lafayette La
    • View Profile
Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #468 on: November 02, 2017, 11:00:27 AM »
Two rednecks, Bubba and Gator, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of bud.
The passenger, Bubba,said. "Lookey up thar, Gator, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin these beers!!
"Don't worry Bubba". "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat".
"What fer?" Asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin okay?" Said Gator.
Well, they finished their beers,threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sherriff said, "You boys been drinkin?".
"No sir" Gator said. "We're on the patch."

Offline Ragun Gardener

  • Sprout
  • **
  • Posts: 1829
  • Lafayette La
    • View Profile
Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #469 on: November 09, 2017, 09:14:42 PM »
Boudreaux was in the big city and shopping at a high end electronics store when he comes across a device he just can't hardly believe has been invented. So he buys himself a genuine lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie, more out of curiosity than anything.
He gets the robot back home and decides to test it out during suppertime that night. Boudreaux asks his son, T-Boud, what he did that afternoon. T-Boud says, "I did some homework me."
The robot slaps T-Boud.
T-Boud says, "Ok, Ok, I was at my friend's house watching movies."
Boudreaux asks, "What movie did you watch my boy?"
T-Boud says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps him again.
T-Boud says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Boudreaux says, "What?!!? At your age, I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps Boudreaux.
Marie laughs and says, "Well, dat certainly is your boy."
The robot slaps Marie.
The robot is now for sale.

Offline bobcatgardener

  • Sprout
  • **
  • Posts: 766
  • Always starting more than I should! But keeps me m
    • View Profile
Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #470 on: November 10, 2017, 12:29:33 PM »
Phhhaaaaahahahaha. Dats a good one Rajun!

Offline crazyhorse

  • Sprout
  • **
  • Posts: 1872
    • View Profile
Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #471 on: November 11, 2017, 03:13:06 AM »
YES it is .
Thanks for posting.

Offline crazyhorse

  • Sprout
  • **
  • Posts: 1872
    • View Profile
Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #472 on: November 21, 2017, 12:37:17 AM »
Well with tax time coming up I just had to post this.


Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.
 Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
 Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road.
The policeman stopped traffic and recovered the box.
It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."  ;D

Offline crazyhorse

  • Sprout
  • **
  • Posts: 1872
    • View Profile
Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #473 on: November 21, 2017, 01:15:01 AM »
 A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
 After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied,  but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
 Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was,
 'Get the quarterback!
 Get the quarterback!'
 I'm like, hello?
It's only 25 cents!"  ;D

Offline Ragun Gardener

  • Sprout
  • **
  • Posts: 1829
  • Lafayette La
    • View Profile
Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #474 on: November 28, 2017, 09:29:21 PM »
I'd like to thank all my fans!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Offline bigboberta

  • Sprout
  • **
  • Posts: 720
  • Making Gumbo
    • View Profile
Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #475 on: December 04, 2017, 05:08:11 PM »
Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the man cave.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And the #1 reason why God created Eve . . .

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that !!!"

:-)


Bob
Bob Guidry, Retired Firefighter.

Zone 8b.
Mahindra 3525
2.5 acres
Easleyville, LA



Offline Rabbitproof

  • Sprout
  • **
  • Posts: 1702
  • Foothills of the Smokey Mtns-heaven on earth
    • View Profile
Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #476 on: December 04, 2017, 05:19:53 PM »
Ha, Bob----now you said a mouthful!!   All true!!

Offline crazyhorse

  • Sprout
  • **
  • Posts: 1872
    • View Profile
Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #477 on: December 05, 2017, 01:43:35 AM »
Q: What do you call an elf who sings?
 A: a wrapper!

 Q: Why is Christmas just like your job?
 A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

 Q: Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
 A: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

 Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
 A: Claustrophobic.

 What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
 RUDEolph.

 
« Last Edit: December 05, 2017, 01:45:52 AM by crazyhorse »

Offline Rabbitproof

  • Sprout
  • **
  • Posts: 1702
  • Foothills of the Smokey Mtns-heaven on earth
    • View Profile
Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #478 on: December 05, 2017, 04:29:31 PM »

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank, in one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph, right into the open window.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"  So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.  "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

“I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world.  I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans"
"No!  Let me tell you!" his mother retorts.  "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us.  The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten to within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago.”

Offline crazyhorse

  • Sprout
  • **
  • Posts: 1872
    • View Profile
Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #479 on: December 05, 2017, 11:45:12 PM »
Mrs Rabbit   ;D    Mrs Rabbit   ;D that is a good one. ;D


Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
 A: Because he had low elf esteem.

 What do you call a can wearing a Christmas hat?
 A Merry Can (American)

 Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
 A: North Polish.

 What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
 A rebel without a Claus.

 Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
 A: Subordinate clauses

 The 4 stages of life:
 1. You believe in Santa Claus
 2. You don't believe in Santa Claus
 3. You dress up as Santa Claus
 4. You look like Santa Claus