The Bayou Gardener

General Category => Happy Hour => Topic started by: crazyhorse on January 07, 2016, 09:58:19 PM

Title: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 07, 2016, 09:58:19 PM
I hope to get this thread back up.

Q. What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun?
 A. I just love baskin’ robins.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on January 08, 2016, 08:48:24 AM
be careful what you asked for
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 08, 2016, 09:43:55 PM
Mr Monroe that is so true. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: edward361 on January 09, 2016, 04:36:23 AM
lol good one monroe :) :)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 10, 2016, 06:56:56 PM
Two antennas met, fell in love, and got married.
The wedding was okay,


 but the reception was great. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on January 11, 2016, 06:15:07 AM

Thanks for restarting this thread!

You just gave me my first chuckle for the day! (https://lunatique.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/O/lol.gif) and I will share these with my grand neice and nephew.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on January 11, 2016, 06:46:12 AM
If you are ever asked to spell Mississippi don't ask if they mean the river or the state
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 12, 2016, 12:25:53 AM

Thanks for restarting this thread!

You just gave me my first chuckle for the day! (https://lunatique.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/O/lol.gif) and I will share these with my grand neice and nephew.

Mrs Maggie , thank you.
We need a good laugh every now & then. ;D

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 12, 2016, 11:10:21 PM
A defendant was on trial for murder in Philadelphia.
 There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
 In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
 "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.
 "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
 He looked toward the courtroom door.
 The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.
 A minute passed. Nothing happened.
 Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.
 But you all looked on with anticipation.
 I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.
 A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
 "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
 Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look.


 But your client didn’t."
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 13, 2016, 12:48:33 AM
Must let tom pick onion. ;D


http://i.imgur.com/DcToLdG.jpg
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 14, 2016, 01:23:12 AM
Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?



A: envelope ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Chapman on January 14, 2016, 06:15:23 PM
  There are old mushroom hunters and there are bold mushroom hunters, but there are no old, bold mushroom hunters.  ;)
 
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Boudreaux in Eunice La. on January 14, 2016, 08:03:04 PM
I was gonna re write my Boudreaux joke but.....

Some on here hinted that Donald thought it was so funny he slapped the keyboard instead of his knee ~!~!~!

Weeeeel that's the way I took it anyway.  ;) 8) :P :-*
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Vince6424 on January 14, 2016, 08:54:24 PM
I was gonna re write my Boudreaux joke but.....

Some on here hinted that Donald thought it was so funny he slapped the keyboard instead of his knee ~!~!~!

Weeeeel that's the way I took it anyway.  ;) 8) :P :-*
which one it that?
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: sirhc62 on January 15, 2016, 01:41:52 PM
Mother Teresa never told a lie even as a child, amazing. This is not meant as politics or anything of the such. Just an amazing lady.   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 15, 2016, 09:28:14 PM
Mr Sir, ;D  Mr Sir   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on January 17, 2016, 04:56:37 PM
I like this
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 17, 2016, 10:59:42 PM
Mr Monroe,  ;D  Mr Monroe   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Okie Bob on January 18, 2016, 04:50:25 AM
Monroe, I LOVE that one!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Double B on January 18, 2016, 08:14:05 AM
A man and a woman get married. On their wedding night, the man takes his boxer shorts off, tosses them to the woman and tells her to put them on. She thinks the request is a little strange but goes ahead and puts them on. They fall to the floor so she pulls the up and again they fall to the floor. She tells him, " I can't wear these". He says, "you are right and as long as we are married, I'll wear the pants in this family".

She gently tosses her panties over to him and tells him to slip them and on. He tries but it is obvious he can't even begin to pull them up. The man tells her, " there is no way I can get into your panties". She says, " exactly, and it's not going to happen until you change your attitude".
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on January 18, 2016, 01:24:31 PM
why there are no dinosaurs
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 18, 2016, 08:23:14 PM
A man and a woman get married. On their wedding night, the man takes his boxer shorts off, tosses them to the woman and tells her to put them on. She thinks the request is a little strange but goes ahead and puts them on. They fall to the floor so she pulls the up and again they fall to the floor. She tells him, " I can't wear these". He says, "you are right and as long as we are married, I'll wear the pants in this family".

She gently tosses her panties over to him and tells him to slip them and on. He tries but it is obvious he can't even begin to pull them up. The man tells her, " there is no way I can get into your panties". She says, " exactly, and it's not going to happen until you change your attitude".

Mr B    ;D   Mr B    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 18, 2016, 09:41:32 PM
I am a Seenager   (senior teenager)

 

"I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.

I don’t have to go to school or work.

I get an allowance every month.

I have my own pad.

I don’t have a curfew.

My own John Deere mower.

I have a driver’s license and my own car.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.

And I don’t have acne.

Life is Good!"   ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Double B on January 28, 2016, 11:15:02 AM
A husband and wife were shopping when the man put a case of beer in their cart. His wife asks, " What do you think you are doing? We can't afford that". He said it is on sale for $10.00. She tells him to put it back.

A couple of isles over the wife puts a jar of face cream in the buggy and the husband asked, " What do you think your doing buying that? She says it is only $20.00 and it makes me beautiful ! He said so does 24 Budweisers and its half price of that!!

You can find him laying face down on aisle 5.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on January 28, 2016, 01:28:50 PM
old man mentioned to the doc that he thought his wife was having hearing problems. Doc told him a quick test to do at home & if she failed just make an appointment.
                              40 ft away the old man in a normal voice asked what's for supper
                               No response
                               30' again what's for supper--no response
                                20 ft' same question same response
                                 10' same thing
 the old man came right up behind her & a little louder asked What's for supper
 his little old wife turned around & yelled back "For The Fifth Time Chicken"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: cubman on January 28, 2016, 02:10:21 PM
A man and a woman get married. On their wedding night, the man takes his boxer shorts off, tosses them to the woman and tells her to put them on. She thinks the request is a little strange but goes ahead and puts them on. They fall to the floor so she pulls the up and again they fall to the floor. She tells him, " I can't wear these". He says, "you are right and as long as we are married, I'll wear the pants in this family".

She gently tosses her panties over to him and tells him to slip them and on. He tries but it is obvious he can't even begin to pull them up. The man tells her, " there is no way I can get into your panties". She says, " exactly, and it's not going to happen until you change your attitude".

BWHAHAHahahahahaaaaaaaaa...!   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: MikeM on January 29, 2016, 10:58:05 AM
 ;D  I should have seen that one coming but I didn't
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 02, 2016, 11:50:21 PM
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
 In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

 They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

 The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
 The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
 After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
 She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
 I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

 The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
 Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
 She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

 After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: "comfortable."

 The operator shakes his head.
 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

 The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde.
 The word's big.

 She'll read it very slowly ...

 com-for-da-bull."    ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: MikeM on February 03, 2016, 10:16:35 AM
 ;D  I didn't see that one coming either but it is funny.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 05, 2016, 03:16:05 AM

Sentenced to death by electric chair for telling bad jokes::


Executioner: (tightens the  straps) "Any last words?"

Prisoner: "I think male oysters should be called boysters."

Executioner : " Will someone throw the  switch!!!"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 11, 2016, 12:52:03 AM
The owner of a golf course in Missouri was confused about paying an invoice. 
He decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
 He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the
 University of Missouri and I need some help.
 If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

 The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,


"Everything but my earrings."  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 15, 2016, 02:50:09 AM
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos
 for the day.
That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering
 under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

“Henry had a stroke of some kind.
 He's a couple of miles back up the
 trail," the successful hunter replied.

“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they
 inquired.

 A tough call," nodded the hunter.

"But I figured no one is going to
 steal Henry." ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on February 15, 2016, 04:51:58 AM
(https://lunatique.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 16, 2016, 12:19:36 AM
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
 particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting
 for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with
 him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
 They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
 They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
 always let them play for free anytime!"

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I
 think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

 The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
 colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 22, 2016, 12:55:43 AM
Wife writes  a letter to her husband explaining why she is leaving him.


https://www.wattpad.com/187999696-country-quotes-79
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on February 23, 2016, 07:03:00 PM
technically not a joke, but it made me giggle...

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 24, 2016, 12:31:06 AM
Mrs Gardener  ;D    Mrs Gardener    ;D

Good one.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bordercollie on February 24, 2016, 08:24:53 PM
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
 In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

 They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

 The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
 The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
 After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
 She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
 I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

 The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
 Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
 She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

 After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: "comfortable."

 The operator shakes his head.
 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

 The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde.
 The word's big.

 She'll read it very slowly ...

 com-for-da-bull."    ;D ;D ;D ;D
                                                                hahaha !! Mr Horse Mr Horse !!   :)   judy
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 28, 2016, 03:19:16 AM
When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you."
 He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
 "Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard.
 I've already been through a test.
My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
 "Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions.
 Here they are."
 1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
 2) How many seconds are in a year?
 3) What is God's first name?
 "Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy.
Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
 St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
 "The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year?
Twelve."
 "Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
 "Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean.
 I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
 "And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name?
It's Andy."
 "Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
 "I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
 St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said,

 "Run, Forest, Run!"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on February 28, 2016, 05:41:03 AM
(https://lunatique.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/O/lol.gif) Thank you for my more chuckle.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 28, 2016, 03:20:55 PM
Mrs Maggie, Thank you.

You are very welcome.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 08, 2016, 01:57:23 AM
Why do women always say they want a  man with a stable job ?

What is so glamorous about cleaning up after horses? ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 10, 2016, 12:16:14 AM
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer.
 ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.
’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
 ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber.
 ‘That kid never
 ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?
’ The boy licked his cone and replied,

‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on March 11, 2016, 10:33:11 PM
my little one told me a cute joke today....

what do you call a bear without teeth?

a gummy bear

lol
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on March 22, 2016, 10:07:37 AM
found these on the web...garden jokes

Where do apples love to take a vacation?
Fuji.

What do you call a mushroom who buys everyone drinks and is the life of the party?
A fun-gi.

What do you call it when worms take over the world?
Global Worming.

What do you get when you cross a canary and a lawn mower?
Shredded tweet.

Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing.

What do you get if you cross a dog with a daisy?
A colli-flower.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: cubman on March 22, 2016, 11:38:54 AM
 :o
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 23, 2016, 02:40:01 AM
A teenage boy  had just passed his driving test and inquired of his  father
as to when  they could discuss his use of the car.

His father  said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades  up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut.
Then we'll  talk about the car."

The boy  thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer
and they agreed on it.

After about  six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades  up
and I've  observed that you have been studying your Bible, but  I'm
disappointed  you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said,  "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my  studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John  the
Baptist had  long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong
evidence that  Jesus had long hair."

His father said----

"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they  went?"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Okie Bob on March 23, 2016, 06:28:09 AM
Crazy, that was a good one!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on March 23, 2016, 01:20:54 PM
lol crazy...good one :)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 25, 2016, 01:30:49 AM
 Thanks .



http://www.1800doorbell.com/resources/20-redneck-doorbells-ridiculous.htm
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Jo-Ann on March 27, 2016, 10:28:47 AM
I finally got a good one to send you all:

     A retired guy sits around the house all day so one day his wife says, “Joe, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week”. The guy gives it a moment’s thought and says: “Sure why not. Where’s the vacuum?
     Half an hour later, the guy comes into the kitchen to get some coffee. His wife says, “I didn't hear the vacuum running,  I thought you were going to do the vacuuming”?
     Exasperated, Joe answers,”The stupid thing is broken, it won't start. We need to buy a new one”.
     “Really”, she says, “show me - it worked fine the last time”.   So he did

https://videos.files.wordpress.com/Xblfe4qf/retired-vacum-cleaner_dvd.mp4

                    .

 
 
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on March 27, 2016, 11:47:52 AM
 ;D ;D ;D some men are that dumb, he should know that the wife ran it out of gas & put it in the closet empty
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on March 27, 2016, 03:19:43 PM
Not a joke but I thought it was still funny.

(https://lunatique.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-XSJZs4p/0/O/PeepShow.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 27, 2016, 09:56:05 PM
Mrs Jo-Ann   ;D   Mrs Jo-Ann   ;D



Mrs Maggie   ;D   Mrs Maggie    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: gssixgun on March 28, 2016, 01:06:12 AM
You know you laughed

(http://i.imgur.com/L4X0zfj.png)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 28, 2016, 01:37:10 AM
Got pulled over today..
Cop came up and said he just worked a long day and ended his shift.
.He said if I had a good reason for speeding that he'd let me go..

 I said Officer my wife left me 5 years ago for a cop,


and I thought you was bringing her back..

he said..


Have a good day Sir... ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on March 30, 2016, 11:34:41 AM
You Might be a Cajun If....

...you start an angel food cake with a roux.

...watching the "wild kingdom" inspires you to write a cookbook.

...you think the head of the united nations is Boudreaux/ Boudreax-Guillory.

...you think a lobster is a crawfish on steroids.

...you think Ground Hog Day and Boucherie day are the same holiday.

...you take a bite of 5-alarm Texas chili and reach for the Tabasco.

...Fred's lounge in Mamou means more to you than the Grand Ole Opry.

...you pass up a trip abroad to go to the crawfish festival in Breaux Bridge.

...your children's favorite bedtime story begins "first you make a roux..."

...your description of a gourmet dinner includes the words "deep fat fried."

...your mama announces each morning, "well, I've got the rice cooking-what will we have for dinner?"

...you greet your long lost friend at the Lafayette international airport with "iiiiieeeeeee!"

...you sit down to eat boiled crawfish and your host says "don't eat the dead ones" and you know what he means.

...you don't know the real names of your friends, only their nicknames.

...you gave up Tabasco for lent.

...you know the difference between Zatarains, Zeringue, and Zydeco.

...your dog thinks the bed of your pickup is his kennel.

...any of your dessert recipes call for jalapenos.

...you consider Opelousas the capital of the state, and Lafayette the capital of the nation.

...you think the four seasons are: duck, rabbit, deer, squirrel.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 30, 2016, 11:59:53 PM
Mrs Woodchip ;D     Mrs Woodchip   ;D

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bobcatgardener on April 01, 2016, 02:53:16 PM
That was a good one Mrs. Wood chip!!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on April 01, 2016, 04:27:46 PM
that was a good one "chipper"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on April 02, 2016, 12:15:30 AM
Oley visits Sven one day.
Sven ask him, "Did ya see da article in da paper da udder day?"
What article vas dat?
Sven says, "It stated that 25% of da women in dis country are being treated for mental problems. Scary, isn't it Oley!"
Oley asks, "Well, so vat is so scary about dat?"
Sven says, "Oley, use yer noggin!
Don't you realize dat if 25% of the women in dis country are being treated for mental problems, den dat means


dat da udder 75% are running around untreated!" ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on April 05, 2016, 10:46:07 AM
 ;)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Triton9918 on April 06, 2016, 10:24:19 PM
How do you make a tissue dance?

You put a little boogie in it  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on April 11, 2016, 06:51:07 AM
lol triton :)


why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
he didn't have the guts

ba-da-dum. {{{crash of cymbal here}}}}
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on April 11, 2016, 07:16:05 AM
A teenage boy  had just passed his driving test and inquired of his  father
as to when  they could discuss his use of the car.

His father  said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades  up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut.
Then we'll  talk about the car."

The boy  thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer
and they agreed on it.

After about  six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades  up
and I've  observed that you have been studying your Bible, but  I'm
disappointed  you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said,  "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my  studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John  the
Baptist had  long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong
evidence that  Jesus had long hair."

His father said----

"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they  went?"

(https://lunatique.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/O/lol.gif) Thanks Crazyhorse You once again  have started my day off right...... with a chuckle!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on April 12, 2016, 03:26:19 AM
Mrs Maggie, you are very welcome .

I hope you have a good summer.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Triton9918 on April 13, 2016, 09:54:07 PM
lol triton :)


why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
he didn't have the guts

ba-da-dum. {{{crash of cymbal here}}}}

I love it wood chip.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on April 19, 2016, 01:12:48 AM
Mrs Woodchip ;D Mrs Woodchip ;D


Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on April 19, 2016, 01:49:44 AM



Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup.
 After a couple of spoonfulls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth.
 He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked." 
The waitress said,
"You ordered vegetable soup, maybe it has a leek in it." ;D


Do you carrot at all for me?
 My heart beets for you,
 With your turnip nose
 And your radish face.
 You are a peach.
 If we cantaloupe,
 Lettuce marry.
 Weed make a swell pear
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on April 19, 2016, 01:52:40 AM
Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'
 Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. 
     When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
 They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. 
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
 She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
     When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland, and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.
 Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.' 
     Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. 
Yet, in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
 Tom Brokaw!  Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. 
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because,

 he's just a commentator. ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on April 19, 2016, 03:41:30 PM
lmao crazyhorse! 
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on April 21, 2016, 08:30:49 PM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/duck%20crossing%20the%20road.jpg)
Title: Re: What time is it??
Post by: Ben on April 22, 2016, 01:38:42 PM

Control Tower received a call from a crew asking, "What time is it please?"
Tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The crew replied, "What difference does it make?"
Tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines
flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is
a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on
the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's
Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour".

Ben
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on May 04, 2016, 12:30:30 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhJc6vLoRUA
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on May 04, 2016, 12:31:06 PM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/wd40.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on May 05, 2016, 02:12:14 AM
Mr Ragun    ;D  Mr Ragun   ;D
Title: Re: What time is it??
Post by: USMC130FE on May 06, 2016, 05:03:36 PM

Control Tower received a call from a crew asking, "What time is it please?"
Tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The crew replied, "What difference does it make?"
Tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines
flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is
a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on
the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's
Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour".

Ben

LOL, Salute!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on May 07, 2016, 04:08:47 PM
Why do melons have fancy weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Jo-Ann on May 08, 2016, 08:38:11 AM
How much dirt is in a 3'x3'x3' hole?


None 'cause it's a HOLE!!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on May 13, 2016, 09:48:47 PM
my older daughter knows i love the corny jokes...so these are some of the ones she sent me

where did noah keep the bees?
in the ark hives

what do you call a snobbish criminal going down stairs?
a condescending con descending

what was the demon arrested for?
possession

what kind of mistakes do orthodontists make?
acci-dental

how did the man feel after learning all his lamps had been stolen?
de-lighted

:)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on May 14, 2016, 01:53:09 AM
Mrs Chip   ;D   Mrs Chip    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on May 16, 2016, 07:25:22 AM
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".


We don't have any vegetable jokes, if you get one lettuce know.

Q: How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A: A buccaneer!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on May 19, 2016, 04:43:48 PM
This Ain't right. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLk5nXnLzxw
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Double B on May 22, 2016, 09:56:44 AM
A cowgirl visiting Texas from Arkansas walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Bud. She sits at the back of the bar and slowly takes a sip out of each one in turn. When she orders the next round, the bartender tells her that the draft will go flat and he will bring her one at a time. She replies that she has two sisters, one that is living in Dublin and the other is in Austraila. This is the way they agreed to drink to remember each other.

This goes on for several weeks and one day the cowgirl comes in and just orders two beers. The room draws silent. The bartender tells the cowgirl that he doesn't want to impose on her grief but wonders if she would mind sharing what happened to one of her sisters. She tells him that everything was fine with her sisters but she and her husband joined the Baptist Church in town and she had to quit drinking!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on May 22, 2016, 03:40:42 PM
Mr BB ;D  Mr BB  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on May 24, 2016, 09:38:32 PM
lol double b.  good one!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bobcatgardener on June 07, 2016, 06:44:00 PM
An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of
Houma La, and forces the tellers to load a sack
full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot one brave
Cajun customer grabs the hood and pulls it off
revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone
else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and
the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down
at the floor.

Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.

There are a few moments of silence.........then
Boudreaux looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: 'I think my wife peeked'...
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: USMC130FE on June 07, 2016, 08:17:11 PM
LOL!!!!!!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: nuclearmac on June 07, 2016, 08:32:08 PM
bourdeaux . broudeaux.   
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on June 08, 2016, 02:45:27 AM
Mr Gardener   ;D  Mr Gardener   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: tangentalstorm on June 08, 2016, 09:37:10 AM
Two New Yorkers are driving across West Texas when the driver looks up and notices a Texas State Trooper behind them with his lights on.  he pulls over and watches in his side mirror as the Trooper who looks like he is cut out of a mountain swaggers up to his window. 
The driver rolls down his window and starts to say "What's the prob...."
WHACK!!
The driver gets hit upside the head with the Trooper's flashlight.
The driver cries "Why did you do that?".
The Trooper answers calmly and with a serious Texas drawl "This is Texas Boy...In Texas when I come to your window you have your license and registration ready and in your hand."
So the Trooper writes the driver a ticket. Then  calmly and slowly walks to the other side of the car and taps on the passenger side window.
The passenger rolls down his window and WHACK!
He gets hit upside the head with the flashlight and cries out "What did I do??!!"
The Trooper calmly answers "Nuthin'. I am just making your wish come true."
The passenger just looks at him dumbly and the Trooper explains "'Cause in about a half mile down this road you are gonna say to your friend there 'I wish that SOB had tried that with me'. Have nice day Gentlemen"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on June 08, 2016, 12:31:11 PM
our High School days back in the 50s were something special & would be worth going back till I think of that Algebra class.

                                             Monroe
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on June 09, 2016, 02:53:11 AM
A very rich mother of three  sons  has a birthday.

They all wanted to impress their mother.

The 1st son gave his mother  a new summer home in Florida.

The 2nd son gave his mother a new Lincoln .

The 3rd son gave his mother the only talking parrot in the whole world  that had been trained to quote the entire Bible.

A week later the 1st son received a thank you letter from his mother ---"Thank you for my beautiful summer home  in Florida, the weather is too hot and the home is much too big".

The 2nd son received a thank you letter from his mother---- "Thank you for my beautiful Lincoln, the car is way too big and  hard to find a parking spot big enough for it".

The 3rd son  received a thank you letter from his mother-----"Thank you for the chicken , it was delicious".
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: tangentalstorm on June 09, 2016, 04:25:54 AM
crazyhorse...LMAO!!!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on June 13, 2016, 05:44:41 PM
Old man was on his death bed gasping for every breath when he caught the smell of his favorite cookie, chocolate chip. He struggled & sorta rolled to the floor, inch by inch he clawed his way toward the kitchen , finally he reached the table & with every ounce of strength his frail old body had left he slowly pulled himself in reach of that huge mound of those chocolate chip cookies. He made it, then with one barely between his weak thumb & finger his wife whacked his hand & told him stay out of the coolies they're for the funeral.

                                         
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: tbird on June 13, 2016, 08:31:41 PM
  I just got this email joke.  Supposedly it came from Facebook.

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
 They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
 After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
 The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
 'No,' she replies. .. ....
 )Wait for it......................)

 'You just happened to catch my eye.'       ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on June 14, 2016, 01:04:44 AM
thanks mr. monroe and tbird.   these gave me a good laugh!   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Okie Bob on June 14, 2016, 06:53:39 AM
I think you guys are getting better everyday! Keep it coming!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on June 14, 2016, 04:18:05 PM
 Mr Monroe   ;D   Mr Monroe   ;D

Mr Bird   ;D    Mr Bird    ;D

Those were good.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on June 15, 2016, 08:48:35 PM
A Billionaire loved unusual fun & games so he filled his Olympic size pool with sharks, pirana, alligators and snakes. He then invited as many of his so called friends over & said that anyone who would jump in the pool at either end & come out to the other end  he would make any wish they might have come true. Everybody started gasping & talking at the same time when all heard a big splash at one end. That ole boy almost ran on the water, he flailed , splashed & finally made it. The Billionaire shook his head then took the mans hand & said I'm a man of my word what would you like to have, only one thing replied the wet scared man, what asked the Billionaire, find the SOB that shoved me in the pool .

                                                Monroe   
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on June 16, 2016, 01:11:33 AM
Mr Monroe    ;D   Mr Monroe      ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on June 20, 2016, 02:19:54 PM
A good marriage depends on knowledge of small details about each other, like color of eyes, favorite dessert, favorite song , favorite shared memory, so when the speaker asked could every man name his wife's favorite flower one old man leaned over to his wife  "it's Gold Medal all purpose ain't it".

                                        Monroe
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on June 20, 2016, 06:46:53 PM
hahahaha.  that was a cute one mr. monroe  :)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on June 21, 2016, 02:33:08 AM
Mr Monroe , I know what my wife's answer would be.

W  H  I  T  E      L   I   L   L   Y.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on June 23, 2016, 01:49:57 AM
There I  was  sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I suddenly burst into tears.

"Oh, come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
   
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."
   
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jackass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Double B on June 23, 2016, 08:29:45 AM
Whew wee Mr. Horse!!! That is a good one. ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on June 23, 2016, 09:45:18 AM
A good marriage depends on knowledge of small details about each other, like color of eyes, favorite dessert, favorite song , favorite shared memory, so when the speaker asked could every man name his wife's favorite flower one old man leaned over to his wife  "it's Gold Medal all purpose ain't it".

                                        Monroe

Thanks Monroe!
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on June 24, 2016, 03:03:16 AM
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Sure do,” the dog replies.

“So, what’s your story?” 
   
The dog looks up and says, “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.

Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

The owner says, “Ten dollars.”

The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
   

“Cause he’s a liar.

He didn’t do any of that stuff!”
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Double B on June 25, 2016, 08:30:28 AM
A husband fears his wife isn't hearing as well as she used to. He didn't want to upset her by mentioning it unless he knew for sure so he called their family doctor and asked for advice. The doctor told him that there was a very simple test that he could administer at home and if she failed he should bring her in to his office for further evaluation. The doctor told the husband to stand about forty feet away and in a normal speaking voice ask a question. If his wife did not respond to move up to about thirty feet and repeat. If no response, move closer to twenty feet and repeat the question and so on.

Later that night his wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner and the husband thought to himself that he was about forty feet away so he said, " honey, what's for dinner"? No reply. He got out of his chair and moved closer to thirty feet away and asked the question again. No reply. He moved closer to twenty feet and still no reply. At ten feet away there was still no reply so he moved up right behind her and asked again. His wife said....... "For the fifth time, Bill, it's chicken tonight!!!"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on June 25, 2016, 10:17:12 AM
 ;D

i love this thread!  thanks for the giggles!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Okie Bob on June 26, 2016, 11:16:16 AM
BB that one hit too close to home!!
I finally decided to go to the hearing doctor when my kids came over unexpectedly one night and surprised me when they said loud enough I could here them over the tv....Dad, turn that dam tv down, we heard it before we turned in the driveway....and the driveway is over 1000' long.
And a funny but, true story. The first night home with the new hearing aids, the crickets were driving me nuts. Had all the windows open in the house for a nice cool breeze. Went in to got to bed, pulled the hearing aids out to put them away and the dang crickets stopped completely! For just a moment, I was shocked! The crickets wanted me to get a good nights sleep, then realized it was the hearing aids! duh........
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: tbird on June 27, 2016, 11:05:09 PM
A good marriage depends on knowledge of small details about each other, like color of eyes, favorite dessert, favorite song , favorite shared memory, so when the speaker asked could every man name his wife's favorite flower one old man leaned over to his wife  "it's Gold Medal all purpose ain't it".

                                        Monroe


  Is that when the fight started Monroe?   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on June 28, 2016, 05:20:08 PM
Sometimes you have to shame them
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/freeloading%20chicken.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on June 29, 2016, 03:00:58 PM
The owner of the horse told an interested buyer that this horse didn't start & stop by the usual commands of giddy up & whoa. The command to stop was hey-hey- the command to go was to say Thank God. The owner told the interested buyer that he had no idea why the horse was trained in that way but it worked. So the potential buyer went for a test ride, he was running at top speed when he realized they were running straight at a known cliff. In his excitement he couldn't remember what the owner had told him. He screamed to the top of his lungs  STOP STOP  then  WHOA WHOA, the cliff was getting closer & closer suddenly he remembered HEY HEY ,the horse skidded to a stop just a foot from the killer cliff. The poor fellow was trembling as he lifted both arms to the sky & loudly said, "THANK GOD"

                                                               Monroe
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on June 30, 2016, 01:39:27 AM
Mr Monroe,   ;D     Mr Monroe      ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: DB on June 30, 2016, 06:13:47 AM
Good one Monroe.    ;D Whoops  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on June 30, 2016, 08:55:35 AM
Just in case you didn't know.
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/13507210_932575513534830_8640835542958052027_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on June 30, 2016, 06:23:39 PM
A Native American asked his Chief if he thought the winter would be cold. Chief told him to get a pretty good supply of wood. The Chief decided to call a friend at the weather bureau & was told it might be a little colder than usual. The Chief then called in the community & relayed the message with put out more wood than usual. A few weeks later the Chief called his friend again to see if there were any weather changes. Yes, said the weather man , we're now expecting a much colder winter than we thought at first. Chief told all the people put out lots more wood. A few weeks later the Chief checked again and was told the winter  would be colder than anyone could have predicted. The Chief thanked him & said how much help this information was. The weatherman said we have all the latest scientific methods to predict weather but the most accurate way is just see how much wood the Native Americans are putting out.

                                 Monroe
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 01, 2016, 03:13:56 AM
Mr Monroe   ;D    Mr Monroe     ;D


Mr Gardener , those taters MAY be seedless too. ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 03, 2016, 12:54:56 AM
Kid: “Papa, are you growing taller all the time?”
Father: “No, my child. Why do you ask?”
Kid: “Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair.”
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 03, 2016, 02:28:10 AM
As I was walking in a field of wheat,
 I picked up something good to eat;
 Neither fish, flesh, fowl, nor bone,
 I kept it till it ran alone.

What did I pick up ?
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on July 03, 2016, 04:06:00 AM
this is a good one crazyhorse!  i had no clue  :o and had to google...so i won't put up an answer.  :-X  will have to tell this one to hub.  thanks!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on July 05, 2016, 07:08:11 AM
old man was standing before the judge for stealing a can of peaches , "how many peaches were in the can",  asked the judge, "six", replied the old man , "I'm giving you six days in jail for stealing six peaches" , said the judge. The old man's wife shouted out ," your honor he also stole a can of peas".

                                          Monroe
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 06, 2016, 02:47:28 AM
Mr Monroe,    ;D   Mr Monroe     ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on July 06, 2016, 12:19:28 PM
A woman and her husband go to the doctor because the woman is complaining of shortness of breath. After fifteen minutes, the woman comes out into the waiting room and says, "Apparently, my problem is that I have a nice cooter."

"Excuse me?" says the husband.

"That's what the doctor said. My problem is that I have a nice cooter." The husband is a bit angry and goes in to talk to the doctor.

"What's this about my wife having a nice cooter? I need a damn good explanation."

"That's not what I said," replies the doctor. "I said she has acute angina."
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 07, 2016, 02:05:55 AM
Mr Ben     ;D   Mr Ben     ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on July 07, 2016, 09:58:45 PM
Good One Ben

(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/13606589_1262935723719553_704832737400176408_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 08, 2016, 01:17:05 AM
Mr Ragun      ;D    Mr Ragun      ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on July 08, 2016, 11:42:36 AM
I was at the doctor this week. He says, 'Ben, you should really try and be the perfect weight.'

So I looked behind him on the chart, and it turns out, I'm still within the parameters of being the perfect weight.

Apparently, I'm the wrong height.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on July 08, 2016, 07:58:15 PM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/13612238_308952942770383_1424677172756525127_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: DB on July 09, 2016, 08:20:22 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 09, 2016, 04:08:06 PM
FINALLY a warning that makes sense.


DO NOT USE SHAMPOO !!!!!

 It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful.

 It involves the shampoo when it runs down your body, when you shower with it.
 Warning to us all.
 I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.

 I use shampoo in the shower.
 When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning.

 "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME"

 No wonder I have been gaining weight.

 Well, I got rid of the shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dish Soap.

 It's label reads..

 "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE".

 Problem solved. If I don't answer the phone or door, I'll be in the shower...... ;D    ;D     ;D      ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on July 09, 2016, 09:15:04 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on July 09, 2016, 09:19:58 PM
Nuff said
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/tattoo-of-the-year.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on July 09, 2016, 09:27:09 PM
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan on the telephone.

"So, how's it going down there in hell?" God says.

"Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!" Satan says.

"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!" God says.

"No way! I like having an engineer on the staff — I'm keeping him!" Satan says.

"Send him back up here or I'll sue!" God says.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers:

"Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 15, 2016, 12:37:26 AM
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-city church.
 "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.
 "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
 "I walked up the trail to the gate," Joe continued.
 "The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
 "Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
 "That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
 "Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
 "You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
 "Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
 "Pew," Charlie retorted.
 "Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 17, 2016, 02:25:28 AM
What did the plow say to the tractor?

 Pull me a little closer John Deere!

 Why are farmers respected?
 Because they are out standing in their field.


 It is said this joke started during the Great Depression.

 Did you hear about the new tractor their making with no seat and no steering wheel?
 It's for the farmer who has lost his a$$ and doesn't know which way to turn.


 Ole came out of the local Fleet & Farm store and saw Sven driving thru the parking lot on his tractor pulling a chain.
 Sven, says Ole, how come you are dragging that chain behind the tractor?
 Well Ole, says Sven, I sure can't push it.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 19, 2016, 02:35:41 AM
Ole was talking with his brother Sven, who lived next door, when Sven said, "Ya know Ole, you and Lena should really get some new curtains."Vy's dat?" Ole asked.
"Vel last night I saw you and Lena, vel you know..."
Ole thought for awhile, then said, "Ha-ha Sven, da yokes on you!

 I vasn't even home last night!"    ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: DB on July 19, 2016, 06:38:03 AM
 ;D Mr. Horse  Mr. Horse  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on July 19, 2016, 09:32:33 AM
The smartest man in the world , the richest man in the world,and a young boy,  was flying between two major cities when the planes engine started sputtering & smoking. The pilot told them it looked like they would have to bail out. There were only three parachutes--The smartest man in the world said I'm on a great research that will help all mankind ,so he strapped on a pack & jumped out--the richest man in the world said he was developing a company that would create thousands of jobs, so he strapped on a pack & jumped out-- the pilot handed the kid a pack & said son your life is still ahead of you strap this on & good luck to you. The kid said "sir we both can have chutes , the smartest man in the world grabbed my backpack"

                   Monroe


           
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Double B on July 19, 2016, 11:34:14 AM
After forty years of marriage a couple went to see a marriage counselor. Right off the bat, the wife jumps up and goes into a tirade listing every problem she has had with her husband including lack of intimacy, not in touch with her feelings, loneliness, emptiness and so forth and so on. When ten minutes of this went on, the marriage counselor got up and walked around the sofa and embraced the woman. He put his hands around her waist, pulled him close to her and gave her a long, passionate kiss. The woman quietly sat down in some what of a daze being very quiet.

The marriage counselor told the husband that his wife needed this three times a week. The husband replied, " I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Friday I go fishing!"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 19, 2016, 05:04:58 PM
Mr BB    ;D   Mr BB     ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on July 22, 2016, 10:59:49 AM
What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer?

             The leech stops sucking you dry after you're dead.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Four: one to climb the ladder, one to hold the ladder, one to shake the ladder and one to sue the ladder company.

]

Farmer Joe and his Mule

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
 "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
 ''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
 ''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
 ''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
 ''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
 ''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 23, 2016, 02:39:13 AM
Mr Ben   ;D    Mr Ben    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 24, 2016, 03:15:11 AM
The LA Times reported that an anthropologist from UCLA was digging at a site near San Francisco and after digging down 25 feet found a network copper wiring.
He concluded based on the depth these were found that in the early 1800's California had already developed a phone line system well ahead of the rest of the country.
Not to be outdone, the New York Post published an article about an anthropologist that was researching a site near Hells Gate.
 He discovered copper wires with plastic ends buried 35 feet below the surface.
The scientist concluded that New York had developed an internet network in the 1700's well before anyone else in the country or world!
After reading these stories, Boudreax, an attendee of the Raceland La. college went out to a sugarfield next to Bayou LaFourche and dug down 50 feet and found NOTHING.
 He went back to the LaFourche Gazette and reported what he did and found.


 He concluded that according to his research and finding ,Louisiana had already gone wireless in the 1600's!!!!!

 ;D     ;D       ;D         ;D         ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on July 24, 2016, 08:12:45 AM
hahahahahahaha. 

these are crackin me up!

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: tbird on July 25, 2016, 02:16:43 PM
  The Dept. of Defense decided to have an All Services Conference to get an idea of how well the soldiers of the military were psychologically.   The head man interviewed four soldiers from different branches of the military.

DOD:  "The first thing I would like to do is get your reaction to is this. If you were in your tent and you found a dangerous scorpion in there with you,  what would you do?"


Sailor:   "I would immediately stomp on it to kill it sir!"


Army:    "I would crush it and toss it out of my tent sir!"


Marine:  "I would grab it, tear its' stinger off and eat it sir!"


Air Force: "I would immediately call room service sir and inquire why there was a tent set up in my room!" 


 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on July 26, 2016, 07:06:01 AM
Old man wrote to his son who was in prison--Dear Bubba, I tried to dig up a spot to plant the taters but I just can't do it any more, Son I know you done wrong but I love you and  wish you could be here to help dig this garden. Bubba wrote back--Dad please don't dig anymore that's where I buried the bodies. In about an hour the authorities were out there digging that garden up--Bubba wrote again- Dad go ahead & plant those taters that's the best I could do under the circumstances.

                          Monroe
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 28, 2016, 02:42:21 AM
Mr Monroe,    ;D     Mr Monroe,     ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on July 29, 2016, 04:55:43 PM
The new preacher rode about the neighborhood on a bicycle--he saw a boy sitting beside a lawnmower with a for sale sign on it--young man is that your mower--yes sir said the boy--why are you selling it asked the preacher--I want to buy a bicycle with the money said the boy--the preacher thought a minute , young man I'll trade this bike for your mower-- let me ride your bicycle around the block first said the boy--the boy came back & was ready to trade-- the preacher kept trying to start the mower, he pulled & pulled on the rope but got nothing-- boy this mower won't start--you have to cuss it said the boy--I'm a preacher, I quit cussing years ago, I don't even remember cuss words---you just keep pulling on that rope & they'll all come back to ya said the boy

                                       Monroe
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 05, 2016, 03:14:41 AM
Mr Monroe , a friend of mine does  not use bad words, neither do I .

When my friend gets  REALLY angry at something , he will  say "cuss word, cuss word".


Drinking and Driving
 An Irish priest is driving down to New York for service on Good Friday and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
 "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says,

 "Good Lord! He's done it again!"  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on August 05, 2016, 10:34:23 AM
A father walked past his son’s bedroom one day and had to do a double take. He was so surprised to see that the bed was nicely made, and the room was finally clean with no clothes left on the floor.
He proceeded to enter his son’s bedroom. That was when he noticed an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. All it read was “Dad”.
Sweat slowly started creeping up on the father as he opened the envelope with trembling hands…
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice. However, I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, and tight motorcycle clothes. Also, she is so much older than me.
But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She deserves it!
Don’t worry, Dad. I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love,
Joshua
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table. Call when it’s safe for me to come home!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on August 05, 2016, 10:38:16 AM
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”
“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”
“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”
“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. “What are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”
“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde. “But we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World.”
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 05, 2016, 05:00:16 PM
Stock Market Report -

Helium was up, feathers were down and paper was stationary.

 Knives were up sharply, but pencils lost a few points.

 Fluorescent tubing dimmed in light trading.

 Escalators continued their slow decline and mining equipment hit rock bottom.

 Balloon prices were inflated, diapers were unchanged and the market for raisins dried up.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bigboberta on August 06, 2016, 06:46:21 AM
Boudreaux, walking past his favorite restaurant one morning, noticed a sign in the window that read "Ask About Our Breakfast Special." So he walked in and sat down.
The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What's da breakfast special ?" he asked.
"Baked chicken tongue," she replied proudly.
"Baked chicken tongue?!? Do you know how disgusting dat sounds? I wouldn't never tink about eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth !!!" Boudreaux screamed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "Well, what would you like then, sir?"
Boudreaux replied, "Aw, jus' bring me some scrambled eggs."
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bigboberta on August 06, 2016, 06:52:04 AM
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux decided to go to the new casino and make a day of playing the slots. After they had been there for a couple of hours, they got separated. Several hours later, Boudreaux saw Thibodeaux walking around with a big bucket full of quarters. Boudreaux says, "Hey Thibodeaux. It looks like you been passing a pretty good time dere. Man I ain't had me no luck atall, me. How you win all dem quarters?"
Thibodeaux replied, "Mais Boudreaux, I found me dis machine dat paid off every time I put my money in it. Every time I put a dollar in it, I won four quarters!"
:-)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 07, 2016, 12:51:32 AM
Mr Bob,   ;D    Mr Bob   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Double B on August 12, 2016, 01:19:39 PM
First known picture of Michael Phelps has been revealed.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on August 12, 2016, 02:13:05 PM
The restaurants were always too hot or too cold--something was always wrong with the food--service was always too slow-- as hard as he tried the husband could never take his wife to a desirable place. One day he overheard his wife telling their neighbor about the new disco but husband didn't like that kind of place so they probably wouldn't go. The husband wanted to please the wife so he took her to the disco--out on the floor a fellow was really going all out, he moon walked, did back flips , turned cartwheels and danced across the floor doing handstands. The wife was totally amazed, she said "I know him, we used to go together, 25 years ago he asked me to marry him, and just think I turned him down" to which the husband replied " and he is still celebrating"

                                      Monroe 
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 12, 2016, 04:29:24 PM
Mr BB  ;D Mr BB ;D  That looks about right. ;D

Mr Monroe  ;D  Mr Monroe   ;D   Then the fight started.  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on August 15, 2016, 11:40:51 AM
young man had a booth at the week end flea market selling his bird houses--
dinner time came around so he lite up his grill & put a chicken on the hand cranked rotisserie.
he stood there slowly turning the crank while telling a lady about the birdhouse construction.
an old man wearing thick glasses walked up & stared at the chicken then at the handle being cranked , with much excitement; Son , he yelled, I hate to butt in & bother you but the music has stopped & your monkey is on fire.

                                                             Monroe
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on August 15, 2016, 04:56:44 PM
Good one Monroe! (https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 16, 2016, 02:34:11 AM
You Might be a Redneck Gardener If:
You mow your lawn and find a wheelbarrow.
 A half moon reminds you of your fat husband pulling weeds.
 You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
 You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it is yellow.
 Kudzu covers your arbor.
 You don't water your front yard rather than mow it.
 You know how many bags of fertilizer your car can hold.
 You've ever cleaned your house with a leaf blower.
 You empty the trash when you have enough to fill up the pickup. 
 You can amuse yourself for more that an hour with a hose.
 You've been cited for reckless driving on a riding lawn mower. 
 You move your weed-eater to take a bath.


Botany I - Some Wrong Answers:
 Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
 Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
 The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
 Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
 Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.


Women are like fine wine.
 They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
 -  Soured Male Author Unknown
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Double B on August 17, 2016, 11:32:46 AM
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the tower employees. The passenger that was riding with the pilot who lost communication was on a cell phone.

He yelled, " Mayday!! Mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed the cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off that he had the tower on speed dial. I am flying at 18,000', upside down at 180 mph. Mayday, Mayday!" The employee in the tower put him on the speaker phone and told him, " Calm down, we acknowledge you and will guide you down after a few questions. First thing is to calm down and not panic. Remain calm."

He began a series of questions:

Tower: "How do you know that you are traveling 180mph?"

Aircraft: "I can read it on the airspeed dial in front of me"

Tower: " How do you know you are at 18,000'?"

Aircraft: "I can read it on the altimeter in front of me"

Tower: Okay that's great but it is heavily overcast so how do you know you are flying upside down?"

Aircraft: "Because the **** in my pants is running out my shirt collar! "
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on August 17, 2016, 01:29:23 PM
old man was driving down the freeway --he heard his wife screaming over the new voice activated hands free phone--thank goodness you're still safe, I just heard on the TV traffic report that a wrong way driver was causing lots of accidents on 280 where you are--I'm OK sweetheart, but it ain't just one going the wrong way it's hundreds of them.

                                                            Monroe
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 18, 2016, 01:33:16 AM
Mr BB  Mr Monroe    ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on August 20, 2016, 07:24:30 AM
a couple in their early 60s was approached by a fairy while celebrating their wedding anniversary. I'm here to grant you two your once in a lifetime wish, said the fairy. I wish for a cruise to a beautiful exotic place with my wonderful husband said the wife, instantly two cruise line tickets were in hand, sorry dear said the husband but this is once in a lifetime wish so I wish for a beautiful girl 30 years younger than me, instantly he was 92.

                                         Monroe
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 21, 2016, 02:58:34 AM
Mr Monroe    ;D   Mr Monroe    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 22, 2016, 12:07:04 AM
80 year old woman gets married to husband # 4.

http://www.littlethings.com/fourth-times-a-charm/
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on August 22, 2016, 07:09:04 AM
Crazyhorse that's a good one. When I was in business our location was right at one of the schools & it wasn't unusual to have someone come in just to visit. One lady in particular while waiting on a grandkid would come in & make herself at home. She told about being married several times in great detail , but she said she had been married to this last one before. She said "I married him again to get even with the old bastard" . We never knew what to expect out of her, but she was entertaining.

                                              Monroe
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 23, 2016, 01:28:41 AM
Thank you Mr Monroe.


Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural Alabama on the opening day of dear season.
They both spotted a large buck coming towards them.
As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by.
The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head bowed until it was past.
 Of course by then, the deer was long gone.

The other hunter exclaimed "Wow!
That was the most sportsmanlike act I've ever seen!
You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world!"

The first hunter nodded and said; "Well, out of respect, we were married for 42 years".



 A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.
 When it came time to pay,
 the skunk didn't have a scent,
 the deer didn't have a buck,
 so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on August 27, 2016, 07:39:35 AM
A drunk was staggering around when he saw the horse and decided to he would go for a ride, the horse took off in a full gallop, the drunk started screaming, flailing his arms around, almost fell off a couple of times, just as it looked like he was a goner for sure the Wal-Mart door greeter ran over & got it unplugged.

                                              Monroe
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on September 04, 2016, 01:34:11 PM

 old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: Dr. Geezer’s clinic. “Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.”

Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know anything about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get an easy $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic

This is what happened.
Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young:  “Aagh! This is gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and leaves in a haste. He’s angry now, and spends the next few days trying to figure out a way to recover his money. He returns to Dr. Geezer’s office once he thinks of a clever plan…
Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Oh no you don’t. That is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young, after having lost $1000 total, leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see!”
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so… Here’s your $1000 back.”
Dr. Young: “But this is only $500…”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

Moral of story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer “
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on September 10, 2016, 09:07:39 PM
Three old dogs were just hanging out together- Sarge the bulldog---a Doberman---and the Taco Bell Chihuahua. The most beautiful Collie slowly walked by, these old boys couldn't take their eyes off her. She loved the attention & walked over, boys which ever one of you can make a good sentence using liver & cheese I'm yours. Sarge said "I love liver & cheese", the silky Collie just shook her head, The Doberman said "I hate liver & cheese"" that is so not original" said the Collie, little Taco said, "liver alone boys---cheese mine"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on September 11, 2016, 01:57:48 AM
Mr Monroe  ;D  Mr Monroe  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on September 11, 2016, 11:06:13 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-DFrM9xR/0/O/lol-049.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on September 11, 2016, 01:57:42 PM
Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!

Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.

Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."

Ben
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on September 11, 2016, 05:54:57 PM
Mr Ben    ;D     Mr Ben      ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on September 15, 2016, 09:54:32 AM
Bud calls up his old friend one day--Dude what's up--Bud I bought a new puzzle , just sitting here trying to figure it out, there ain't no straight edged pieces & absolutely nothing fits---Dude want me to come over &  see if I can help --Yeah Bud just come on in---Bud walks in, Dude what's the puzzle about--Well Bud it's just a big red rooster--Dude put the cereal back in the box
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on September 15, 2016, 10:27:55 AM
THE BUM!!!!

 Q   What does a Bum call a Dumpster?

 A    Bed and Breakfast


A BLONDE & HER THERMOS
Blonde buys a thermos.........

A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.

Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"

She replies, "Soup and ice cream."
Title: Christmas Shopping
Post by: Double B on September 16, 2016, 10:50:28 PM
A husband and his wife were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that the husband was missing and they had a lot to do so she called him on his cell phone.

The wife said, " where are you, you know we have a lot to do?" He said, " remember the jeweler we went to about 10 years ago and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at that time and I said one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up...."Yes, I do remember that shop" she replied. "Well, I am in the gun shop next door to that,"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: whiskydog on September 17, 2016, 11:41:22 AM
I rode out to Las Vegas in a 2000 dollar Chevy, and came back home on a 300,000 dollar



Bus.   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on September 19, 2016, 03:07:32 AM
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it.
 I do understand that now, your honor. ;D



I think  I was  born without the "wait until tomorrow " gene.  ;D


I asked my Science teacher if "dysentery"  was hereditary.
He said "it runs in your jeans". ;D

I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving The forum.
This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense.
Your humor and wit is amazing.
I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family.

So….

see you after I get back from the supper table tonight. ;D




Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: LSU2001 on September 19, 2016, 05:19:22 PM
Boudreaux and Marie had just gotten married and were driving to their honeymoon hideout in a mule drawn wagon.  After getting a couple of miles down the road, the mule balked and refused to move another foot.  Boudreaux got down and took a stick and beat the hell out of the mule.  Then I looked the mule in the eyes and said "Thats One"  He got back up on the wagon and sure enough the mule started going again.  After a few more miles the mule balked again and refused to move.  Boudreaux got down and repeated the beating and again looked the mule in the eyes and said "that's two".  He got back on the wagon and again the mule moved along at a nice clip for a few more miles, then the mule balked again.  This time Boudreaux got down, reached in the back of the wagon, picked up his shotgun and went around to the mule and shot him dead between the eyes and said "that's three"
By this time Marie was losing her mind and was fiercely berating Boudreaux about beating and then shooting the mule.  She was saying how could he kill their only mule and how did he think they were going to get to the honeymoon hideout now. 

Boudreaux slowly climbed back up into the wagon next to Marie, He looked her dead in the eyes and said............. wait for it!!!








"THAT'S ONE"
TIm
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: nuclearmac on September 19, 2016, 07:59:45 PM
that Boudreaux....
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on September 24, 2016, 08:35:14 AM
my little one told me this one...

Q: what do you call a sad strawberry?

A: a blue berry

 ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: whiskydog on September 24, 2016, 10:39:55 AM
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th
graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the
local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about
thoroughbred horses and the
supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to
see the horses.
 When it was time to take the
children to the bathroom, it was decided that
the girls would go with one
teacher and the boys would go with the other.
 The teacher assigned to the
boys was waiting outside the men's room
when one of the boys came out
and told her that none of them could reach
the urinal.
 Having no choice, she went
inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys
up one by one, holding on to their little
'wee-wees' to direct the flow
away from their clothes.
 As she lifted one little guy,
she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to
show that she was staring, the teacher said,
"You must be in the 5th
grade."
 
"No ma'am he replied, "I'm
riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but
I appreciate your help."
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on September 25, 2016, 01:33:35 AM
Mr Whisky   ;D    Mr Whisky     ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on September 26, 2016, 01:16:40 PM
the young wife rushed to the pharmacy to pick up medication for her very sick husband---In her haste she locked the keys in the car--not knowing what to do she prayed, then spotted a coat hanger on the ground--she gave a prayer of thanks but didn't know how to use it--She prayed again for much needed help--an old  car came to a stop, the man got out, the young lady was scared to death from his gruffness & appearance--you need help--she explained her problem--before she could say another word he had the door open--she said another prayer of thanks for the help that this nice man had given--lady I an't no nice man, I just got out of prison for stealing cars---she prayed another prayer thanking God for sending her a professional.   
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: whiskydog on September 28, 2016, 05:59:51 PM
The wife says this morning,  'What ya doing today"

I says "Nothing"

she says " Ya did that yesterday"

I say  "I wasn't finished" 
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: MikeM on September 29, 2016, 07:28:39 AM
I like that WD  - I'm planning on using that one if I ever finish putting up fence among my rocks   :)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Kyosa on September 30, 2016, 01:13:30 AM
God and Satan were talking one day and Satan mentioned that since an engineer had arrived in hell things had improved a great deal.  They now had air conditioning, indoor plumbing, and many other new things.  God told Satan, "There's been a mistake!  Engineers are supposed to go to Heaven.  Send this engineer to me right away."  Satan replied, "No way!  Possession is nine tenths of the law so he's mine!"  Getting a bit worked up, God said "If you don't hand over that engineer to Me, I'll sue you for everything you have!"  Satan laughed and asked, "Yeah, sure!  And just where do You think You're going to find a lawyer?"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on October 02, 2016, 06:57:27 AM
The husband hated his wife's cat so one day he put the cat in the car , drove down the road  & put the cat out , got home cat was sitting at the door--next day he doubled the distance, got home cat was sitting at the front door-- third day a little further, same thing, cat beat him back home--fourth day he threw the cat in the back seat, drove way out into the country, taking every side road, doubling back, twisting & turning , finally up a lane into the woods--let the cat out--late that evening the phone rang, wife answers, then wanted to know where on earth are you--husband asked, is the cat there--well yes she was sitting at the front door--well put the cat on the phone I'm lost.

                                                        Monroe 
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on October 04, 2016, 12:10:19 AM

How smart are you?
Solve these riddles with out looking at the answers.

http://twentytwowords.com/can-you-solve-these-riddles-without-looking-at-the-answers/?utm_source=facebook-desktop&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=22-desktop-ppe-riddles









Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on October 04, 2016, 03:37:33 AM
these were fun crazyhorse!  thanks for the link   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on October 05, 2016, 09:31:11 AM
For us with a little hearing problem and sometimes don't hear the door bell
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on October 05, 2016, 01:41:45 PM
Monroe  that should work exscreamingly well.

Ben
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on October 07, 2016, 02:21:50 AM



 Q: What do you call a stolen yam?
 A: A hot potato.

 Q: What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and peering into their garden?
 A: "Medi  Tators."  ;D ;D ;D ;D  How many of us are  Medi Tators ?

 Q: What do you call a potato that is reluctant to jump into boiling water?
 A: "Hez a tater."

 Q: What do you call a potato that is never motivated, but are content to watch others?
 A: "Speck Tators"!

 Q: Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?
 A: Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.

 Q: What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
 A: Anybody can mash potatoes.


 Q: What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
 A: A pouch potato.

 Q: What do you call a baby potato?
 A: A small fry!


 Q: Why did the potato cross the road?
 A: He saw a fork up ahead.

 Q: What kind of potato is always looking for a fight?
 A: An agi-tater.

 Q: What do you call a potato that smokes weed?
 A: A baked potato.

 Q: What song did  the potato  dance to  at the Halloween party?
 A: The "Monster Mash".

 Q: What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
 A: A Chipmunk.

 Q: Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?
 A: The potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.

Two potatos
 One day two potatos, who were best friends, were walking together down the street.
 They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over.
The uninjured potato called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able.
The injured potato was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery.
 After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared.
He told the uninjured potato, "I have good news, and I have bad news.
The good news is that your friend is going to pull through."
"The bad news is ---

that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life".


Doctors Office
 A guy walks into the doctor's office.

 A banana stuck in one of his ears, a potato in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.

 The man says, "Doc, this is terrible.
 What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

Potatoes
 A potato and a sweet potato were playing on the playground. The sweet potato told the potato, "Hey, I just found out I'm related to you."
 The potato said," No you're are not!"
 The sweet potato said back,

 "Yes, I yam." ;D

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bigboberta on October 09, 2016, 11:31:04 AM
The Thibodeaux's were visiting the Boudreaux's when little "Tee" Boudreaux remarked to Clotile (Mrs. Thibodeaux), "Lady, you sure is ugly!"
Poppa Boudreaux quickly grabbed Tee by his ear and dragged him to the kitchen. "Tee", he fussed, "Dat wasn't very nice of you at all my boy. I wants you to go back in dere rat now and apologize to Mrs. Thibodeaux. Go tell her dat you sorry!"
"Tee" goes back into the other room and says, "Ms. Clotile, I sure am sorry dat you so ugly!"

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on October 09, 2016, 05:46:38 PM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/1240132_522161954537297_1789607105_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on October 10, 2016, 01:48:22 AM
Mr Big    ;D   Mr Big   ;D

Mr Ragun   ;D  Mr Ragun   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on October 13, 2016, 04:44:10 PM
Two ol'e boys were hunting way down in the woods--they came upon a deep looking hole, couldn't see the bottom--one pitched a rock in, no sound of it hitting the bottom--they looked around and found a very big rock , rolled it in the hole, didn't hear a sound--bewildered about what seemingly was a bottomless pit they stumbled over a railroad cross tie--together they finally got it to the edge & shoved it in the hole--suddenly a goat flew by & went right into the hole really fast--they stood up about the time an old farmer came up & wanted to know had the boys seen a goat wandering around-- the boys told the old man about the goat running wide open & jumping in the hole--old man said, "couldn't have been my goat, mine is chained to a rail road cross tie"
                                            Monroe
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on October 14, 2016, 02:57:35 AM
Mr Monroe,    ;D     Mr Monroe    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on October 16, 2016, 07:13:19 PM
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on October 17, 2016, 12:42:56 AM
Mr Ragun    ;D   Mr Ragun   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on October 17, 2016, 07:36:35 AM
I saw a shirt for 97 dollars. I was short on cash so I borrowed money from my parents. 50 dollars from my Mom, and 50 from my dad. I go and buy the shirt and have 3 dollars left over. So I give 1 dollar to my mom, 1 dollar to my dad and keep 1 dollar for my self.

So I owe my Mom 49 dollars, my Dad 49 dollars and I have my 1 dollar.

49+49+1= 99

WHERE IS MY OTHER DOLLAR?
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on October 20, 2016, 04:20:54 PM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/14463298_569372009925469_6779499574295052317_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on October 29, 2016, 06:06:18 PM
Sorry Boo!!

(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/12105950_939998166076679_7684774910105461538_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on October 30, 2016, 01:17:35 AM
Mr Ragun   ;D    Mr Ragun    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on November 02, 2016, 07:38:03 AM
White tail deer does a flying act when he crosses the road and gets hit by a VW Bug
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLN9pU4pXcI


Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on November 04, 2016, 01:34:02 AM
The Calculating Sheepdog
 

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer:
“All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog.



 :D “But I rounded them up.”   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on November 05, 2016, 02:53:04 AM
 Just a reminder. ;D

Gophers also need to make a living;
 Preferably in somebody else's garden.

 When all the chores are done, the avid gardener will invent new ones.

 Your dog will always potty  near your favorite garden seat.

 Knee: a device for finding rocks in your garden.

 Gardening is a Sport.  Hoe for It!

 Never underestimate the power of those that like things neat and tidy.

 I once read about the dangers of gardening, so I quit reading for two weeks.

 If you need five tools to solve a problem in the garden, four of them will be easy to find.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on November 05, 2016, 03:24:07 AM
More reminders. ;D

 How to make a Honeymoon Salad?
 Lettuce alone, with no dressing. ;D

A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of. ;D


People are like Potatoes!   

 Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are content to watch others ...
 They are called "Speck Tators.

 Some are always looking to cause problems and really get under your skin ...
 They are called "Aggie Tators."

 There are those who are always saying they will, but somehow, they never get around to doing 
 We call them "Hezzie Tators." 
 -  From the laughalot-owner on the Net

Some folks spent a lot of time sitting and peering into their garden ... 
 They are called "Medi Tators."

 There are those that try to maximize their crop yields while reducing expenses ...   
 We call them "Compu Tators."



Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on November 05, 2016, 03:32:16 AM
 ;D

Dijon Vu - the same mustard as before.
 My wife works over-thyme in her herb garden before she decides it is time to cummin.
 Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
 Don't expect a bonsai tree to grow the miniature planting it.
 A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
 I will cut the grass only when I get mowtivated.
 When the going gets tough, the tough get growin'. 
 The research assistant couldn't experiment with plants because he hadn't botany.
 When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
 Old gardeners never die they just vegetate.
 Every calendar's days are numbered.
 Gardeners like to plant their feet firmly. 
 By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb over the fence. 
 If you're a gardener you might call yourself a 'plant manager'.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

 Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. ;D

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on November 05, 2016, 03:37:04 AM
Are you a Master Gardener?


How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
 There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
 You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store. 
 You prefer gardening to watching television. 
 You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks. 
 Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.

How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
 Start right!
 Never let the dog see you digging . . .

 Doggy see, doggy do.

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on November 07, 2016, 05:52:12 AM
As a young bloke ,I used to drink at a country pub regularly. Old George was always there in the corner of the bar drinking neat whiskey. One day I said to him ,If he was not careful it would rot his gut. Old mate says to buy him a beer & a scotch & he would prove to me it was a health benefit to drink neat scotch, So I did. When his beer was served he produced a tobacco tin from his top pocket & from within he produced a worm. He proceeded to drop the worm in the beer as the scotch arrived. I asked what he was doing ,to which his reply was what do ya see. I said a worm wriggling in your beer. He said Good remember that. He then proceeded to fish the worm out of the beer & dropped it in the glass of  scotch. Your weird I said, his re ply was now what do ya see.? I said the worm you dropped in the scotch wriggled three times & now looks like its dead . Old mate says ,that's correct me lad & that proves it. I asked him what does it prove, to which his reply was If ya drink scotch ya will never have worms!! . Thus ends Todays sermon.   Regards Gardeners ,Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on November 08, 2016, 01:32:14 AM
Mr Tazzy,  ;D  Mr Tazzy    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Gymgirl on November 08, 2016, 09:36:04 AM
A man received a text message from his neighbor that said, "I've been meaning to tell you something for awhile now."  "I've been using your wife, every time you've been away from home."

The man waited for his wife to get home, whereupon he promptly shot her to death.

A few minutes later, he received another text message from his neighbor that said,"I'm so sorry."  "I've been using your Wifi, every time you've been away from home." 

"I hope you don't mind."  :-*

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Double B on November 08, 2016, 11:08:45 AM
50 Year Anniversary

A couple was celebrating their golden anniversary when their first son came through the door. He said that he was sorry he was late but had a patient at the hospital that had an emergency. The son # 1 also said that he was in such a rush that he didn't have time to get them a gift. The dad said, " No worries, we are just glad you are here."

Son # 2 gets there a few minutes later and apologizes for being late. He says that he just flew in from Los Angeles and between depositions and trials he was so rushed that he didn't have time to buy a gift either. Once again dad says, " It is not a big deal, we are glad you could make it."

The daughter finally shows up and also asks forgiveness for being late and the dad says, " We are so happy that you could be here with us." She explained that she was so busy that there wasn't time to stop and buy a gift.

While the family was eating the meal, the Dad stood up and said that he had an announcement. He continued by saying, " I have loved your mother for many years and we both worked very hard to put each of you through college and try to provide well for you but we think it is important for you to know that we never actually got married." The oldest son stood up and yelled, " you mean to tell us that we are bastards?" The dad replied, " That's right and cheap ones too!"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on November 09, 2016, 01:18:25 AM
An old farmer had spent his life collecting tractors.
Every time one broke down or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn.
 He even bought used tractors from other farmers. He worked on them and polished them, treating them like museum exhibits.
 Eventually it came time for him to retire, and, since he had grown tired of tractors, he decided to sell off his massive collection.
So he put advertisements in local and national papers and waited.
 He didn't have long to wait.
A few days later, he received a letter from a businessman whose company had built many of the tractors mentioned in the ad and who had an interest in old vehicles himself.
 After a couple more letters the two arranged to meet in the farmer's local tavern.
 The businessman arrived on the appointed date and went into the tavern.
 He soon located the farmer, despite the very heavy clouds of pipe smoke in the air.
 An hour passed in most pleasant conversation, as the pair turned out to have much in common.
 "Well," sighed the farmer eventually, "I haven't had such a good yak for a long time, but I suppose it's about time we got down to business, eh?"
 "Sure," replied the businessman, "but maybe we could go somewhere else.
I find it very hard to concentrate with this much smoke in the air."
 "There's no need for that," said the farmer, "watch this."
 He proceeded to take an amazingly deep, deep breath, sucking in every last particle of smoke in the room.
Then he leaned over to the partially open window behind him and blew all the smoke out into the night.
 "Hey, how did you manage that?" gasped the businessman.

 "Oh, it was nothing," replied the farmer.

"You see now I'm an---

 ex-tractor fan." ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on November 09, 2016, 03:37:41 AM
 Mr Crazyhorse, Mr Crazyhorse , Good one
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on November 13, 2016, 06:23:38 PM
I'm Sorry, I'll go back in the corner now.

(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/TARD.png)
http://www.disclose.tv/news/are_you_suffering_from_trump_acceptance_resistance_disorder_tard/136500
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on November 14, 2016, 02:54:29 AM
Mr Ragun    ;D   Mr Ragun    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on November 16, 2016, 07:50:11 AM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/14980735_703430713139227_3791299712857581094_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on November 16, 2016, 07:55:45 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on November 17, 2016, 01:39:52 AM
 Mr Ragun ;D    Mr Ragun  ;D

I like that  from my head  to ;D ma ;D toes ;D.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on November 17, 2016, 10:39:11 AM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/66872_10208598095657771_7793429878095240895_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on November 18, 2016, 01:59:37 PM
The Mystery Kitchen Utensil…

My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I use it as both. When not in use, it is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen.

The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale.

It’s a pooper-scooper.
*************************************
Bested by a Parrot

Wandering inside a pet store, I stopped in front of a birdcage to admire a parakeet. We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?”

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on November 19, 2016, 09:21:28 PM
 What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
 A Snap Dragon.

 What do you call a country where the people drive only pink cars?
  A pink carnation.

 What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
  A rash of good luck.

 Why don't you ever iron a four-leaf clover?
 You might press your luck.

 What do you call a mushroom who buys everyone drinks and is the life of the party?
 A fun-gi.

 What insect is musical?
 A humbug.

 What do you call it when worms take over the world?
 Global Worming.

 Everyone knows how the Green Giant dresses when he works in the field. But when he goes to a corporate board meeting, what does he usually wear?
 A three peas suit.

 A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Man to florist: 'I'd like a bunch of flowers, please.'
Florist: 'Certainly, sir. What flowers would you like?'
 Man: 'Er.. I'm not sure...Ummm..'
Florist: 'Let me help you, sir - what exactly have you done?'

Michael O'Leary was waiting at the bus stop with his friend, Paddy Maguire, when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

O'Leary opined, 'I'm gonna do that when I win de lottery, Maguire.'

'What's that, Michael?' responds his mate.

'Send me lawn away to be cut,' concludes O'Leary.


Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: USMC130FE on November 26, 2016, 07:41:52 PM
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

 The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on November 27, 2016, 01:47:25 AM
A small farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came charging towards him.
 As horrified workers nearby watched, the boy calmly continued his milking.
To every ones astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy, turned around and walked away.
"‘Weren’'t you afraid?"’ one of the workers asked the boy.
 ‘"Not at all",’ the boy replied,

 "‘I knew this cow was his mother-in-law.’"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on November 29, 2016, 02:38:11 AM
A blonde was weed-eating her yard and
 Accidentally cut off the tail of her cat
 Which was hiding in the grass.
 She rushed her cat, along with the tail over
 To WALMART!


the lady at the service desk asked her why have you brought your cat to walmart , she took a deep breath and said,
Why WALMART ?

 HELLOOOOOOOOO!

WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!   ;D     ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bigboberta on December 01, 2016, 10:12:42 PM
Marie was a new young bride when she calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Boudreaux he don't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now" her mother said. "I'm sure it was all jus' all a misunderstanding."
"No momma, you don't understand. I brought a frozen turkey to fix for dinner and he yelled and screamed at me about da price!"
"Well, da nerve of dat cheapskate!" says her mom. "Dose turkeys dey only a few dollars."
"No, momma it wasn't da price of the turkey he was mad about, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket? What did you need a airplane ticket for mon cher?"
"Well momma, when I went to fix da turkey, I looked at da directions on da package and it say 'Prepare from a frozen state' . . . so I flew to Minnesota!"

Bob
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on December 02, 2016, 01:40:14 AM
Mr Bob   ;D    Mr Bob   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: agragarden on December 05, 2016, 08:59:31 AM
 I went to the doctor and he gave 2 months to live
 so I shot him
 Judge gave me 30 years

    Rick
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bigboberta on December 05, 2016, 11:08:44 AM
Boudreaux an Tibodeaux was workin' on a house. Tibodeaux was nailin' down sidin' an would reach in his nail pouch, pull out a nail an eidar toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. Boudreaux kept watchin' an wen he couldn't stan it no more he decide to axe wat in da worl Tibodeaux was doin'. Boudreaux axe "Why you throwin away dem nails for?"
Tibodeaux say, "Mais, if ah pull a nail out of ma pouch an it's point toward me, ah trow it away 'cause it's defektive. If it's point toward da house, den ah nail it in!"
Boudreaux got really upset an yell, "Mais, you some kind of stupid! Da nails pointed toward you ain't defective! Dey for da udder side of da house!"

Bob
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on December 05, 2016, 08:41:46 PM
Mr Bob ;D   Mr Bob ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on December 06, 2016, 02:01:29 AM

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one
blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...
Florida or the moon?
The other blonde turns and says
'Helloooooooooo,

can you see Florida, Duh???


A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly. She says, 'What's the story? He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?



A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Yesterday you take my license away  and today you ask me to show you my license!'


There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the
other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,

'You ARE on the other side.'



A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.
 'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
 then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
 She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
 'I thought so,' the doctor said, -----

'Your finger is---

 broken.' ;D ;D



A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
 Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde.

'They're ------
watch dogs'! ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on December 06, 2016, 08:29:21 AM
i love this thread...lmao.   ;D

here is a cute one my little one told me...

Q:  what kind of hat does your knees wear?
A:  a knee cap

 ;)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on December 06, 2016, 03:00:13 PM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/8ea26a7182eb96b8c5b9b6458e62b0da.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on December 07, 2016, 08:29:28 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/O/lol.gif)
 I am just catching up on this thread! !
I love to laugh.

Thanks everyone
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bigboberta on December 07, 2016, 09:03:48 AM
Boudreaux and Marie were celebrating deir twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. Boudreaux took her out to eat at da nicest restaurant in town, took her to a movie, bought her sum flowers, and generally made it an evening to remember. Marie told him, "Boudreaux, dis is da nicest anniversary I done ever had."
Boudreaux say, "Oh cher, da night it's not over yet no."
When dey gots home, he gives her a small box wrapped up real pretty. Marie, she open da box to find two small pills in it. She axe, "Mais Boudreaux, what dem little pills dey is?"
Boudreaux tells her "Mais, dat's you aspirins."
Marie say, "But Boudreaux, I don't have a headache no me."
Boudreaux reply, "Cher, dat's very good to know yea. Like I done tol' you, da night it ain't over yet no cher!"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on December 07, 2016, 09:26:51 AM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/farmer-joke.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on December 07, 2016, 03:42:31 PM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/13669577_733869773420459_4780149019151284140_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on December 07, 2016, 03:44:01 PM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/15337650_1319845684741227_3733761587630546568_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on December 08, 2016, 01:59:46 AM
 ;D ;D  I hope ya'll keep these good ones coming. ;D

I get a good laugh each night . ;D

Thanks for all of em.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on December 09, 2016, 09:21:53 AM
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.
A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi"
and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is
natural.

He calls Animal Control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the
State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State
$200 testing it for diseases.

The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for
diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a
$100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote
awareness program" for residents of the area.

The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies
and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The
State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special
training regarding the nature of coyotes.

PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against
the State.





TEXAS :

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A
coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps
jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on December 09, 2016, 09:26:14 AM
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had mistakenly been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner paced back and forth as he waited nervously for the clerics reactions.
He whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"
"Nothing," replied the waiter with a shrug. "They're all too busy collecting the seeds."
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on December 09, 2016, 09:29:15 AM
While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open.

She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus ... the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was worth more than the purchase price of this gun.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bigboberta on December 09, 2016, 03:13:45 PM
In the South. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Jo-Ann on December 12, 2016, 06:33:33 AM
 bigboberta, You gave me my first laugh today!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on December 13, 2016, 04:20:16 AM
The grand daughter told me a couple yesterday. Not bad for *8*
 !) what do you get when you cross an Elephant with a Kangaroo? ;  A) Holes all over Australia.
2) Hey Pop , How do you keep an Idiot in suspense?; I don't know was my reply, She said, Well, I will tell you Later!
                                                         Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on December 13, 2016, 10:13:13 AM
The doctor couldn't bring himself to tell "good ole boy" that the motorcycle crash had so severely damaged his legs that they would have to be amputated. Doc left it up to "good ole boy's" wife for over 30 years to tell him. Sweetheart I have some very good news to tell you , but also some bad news, which do you want to hear first. "good ole boy" in a very depressed state of mine said ,"just go ahead & give me the bad news. Sweetheart I truly hurt as I tell you that both legs will have to come off. "good ole boy" started crying , I sure could use the good news about now. Sweetheart the good news is , the fellow who just cleaned your room wanted to buy your shoes.

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on December 15, 2016, 05:14:34 PM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/15590063_687704061396704_6181194365608812571_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bigboberta on December 15, 2016, 05:29:49 PM
Boudreaux was interviewing for a job with the Lafayette Police department. The hiring committee asked him "Mr. Boudreaux, supposed an occasion presented itself that would require you to arrest your wife, Marie? Tell us exactly how you would handle this situation."
"Mais," replied Boudreaux, "da furst ting I would do is call for sum backup cher . . ."

Bob
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on December 15, 2016, 07:06:15 PM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-hWX65wT/0/O/FunnyChristmasWineCartoon.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on December 15, 2016, 08:37:16 PM
Maggie when those don't work I find Bourbon colored glasses makes a brighter day!!!!!!.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on December 16, 2016, 11:29:57 PM
 A Sunday school teacher asked her students if she could get into Heaven by cleaning the church & putting fresh flowers around the lectern, The Kids said "NO" ,& this made her smile, So now she said will being kind to animals ,& donating to the Missions get her to Heaven, The Kids again said "NO" in unison, This put a bigger smile & a sense of pride in her heart .So now the question was, If I was to sell my home & donate the proceeds to the church & buy lollies to give to Good children, would that get me into Heaven ,To which the reply was No it certainly won't. Then Johnny the eight year old down the back Yelled , Ya Know ta get into Heaven ya gotta be Dead first!!! Thus endeth the lesson.
                                                                                    regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on December 18, 2016, 01:06:28 PM
(https://s.yimg.com/lo/api/res/1.2/M5M_dL9zliw3SYHJ1HVjYg--/YXBwaWQ9eWlzZWFyY2g7Zmk9Zml0O2dlPTAwNjYwMDtncz0wMEEzMDA7aD00NDY7dz00MDA-/http://blog.plantdelights.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Student-loans.jpg.cf.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on December 18, 2016, 10:59:51 PM
Mrs Maggie   ;D   Mrs Maggie   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on December 20, 2016, 05:40:42 PM
Whilst digging around in the vege patch ,I said to one of the young grandkids, Did you hear that?, Jasmine said, no what is it? I think It sounds like 99 little feet then there is a loud " clop" type of  noise!. Jazzy asks What is it Pop,  I replied , I think it must be a Centipede with a wooden leg
 Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on December 21, 2016, 11:35:31 AM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/15589834_723815877767377_8145306516586812037_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on December 21, 2016, 02:56:58 PM
 Mr Ragun
I appreciate the concept & laugh this gave me, Regard Tazz
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on December 21, 2016, 03:23:22 PM
I come across a few good ones

(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/247819_10151048706217687_2126617045_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on December 21, 2016, 05:46:06 PM
Mr Ragun , Kind Sir,
 This one has brought Joy & Happiness to my dull & dreary life, The Minister for war & Finances ( wife) stressed her bladder ,<Laughing >. as well .Thank you from down Under
                                                            Regards Pete & Elle
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on December 21, 2016, 07:18:53 PM
That was a good one. I can see me doing this when I was younger then get my but chewed out because the floor was wet.

(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/15078714_905030696265326_7942859597608126271_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on December 21, 2016, 08:42:13 PM
Mr Ragun  ;D     Mr Ragun   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on December 24, 2016, 02:20:32 AM
My Ex wife still misses me! but her aim is improving,.
         Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on December 24, 2016, 05:59:03 AM
How to wash a cat  (https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-DFrM9xR/0/O/lol-049.gif)

Thank you Mr Ragun for starting my morning off  laughing out loud (https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on December 27, 2016, 09:18:38 AM
Alright, who would do this to your kids?

(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/cc1c6366-58ed-4ee4-8bf1-9757979b02ff.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on December 28, 2016, 02:05:33 AM
Mr Ragun , that might work. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on December 28, 2016, 03:34:21 AM
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing , they just waved. ;D

Do you sea what I did there?
I'm shore you did. ;D

Don't be such a beach. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 01, 2017, 11:20:13 PM
It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut
 a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for
 almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto
 the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped
 his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.

 The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
 But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.

 The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man
 couldn’t take it any longer.
“Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been
 here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do
 it?”

The boy responded,
“Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”

 “What was that?” the old man asked.

 Again the boy responded,
“Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”

 “Look,” said the old man,
“I can’t understand a word you’re saying.”

The boy spit the bait into his hand and said,
“You have to keep the worms warm!” ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 01, 2017, 11:24:42 PM
Life is NOT  like a box of chocolates…
It’s more like a jar of jalapenos.
 What you do today MIGHT BURN YOUR BEHIND tomorrow.  :-[
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on January 02, 2017, 03:48:41 AM
Why do some individuals have wear hats to the toilet?   So they know which end to wipe!
                                          regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on January 02, 2017, 03:46:37 PM

(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/your-child-is-dead.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on January 03, 2017, 03:42:55 AM
Good on ya,  Mr Ragun, Very Funny, with a nice touch of" Aussie !", The background shows  The Olgas & Ayres rock( Uluru )way outback in the heart of the country .
Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: MikeM on January 03, 2017, 06:37:54 AM
That had both of us cracking up.  Thank you for a laugh to start the day with. :)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 04, 2017, 09:58:57 PM
A blonde said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.
 I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.”  ;D


Gingerbread man is a perfect man,
he’s cute, he’s sweet
and if he gives you any heck,

you can bite his head off. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: whiskydog on January 07, 2017, 04:25:13 PM
Due to the cold weather and icy conditions here, the local Walmart requested all shoppers wear two
pajama bottoms..   its cold here Gardeners..
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on January 07, 2017, 09:45:35 PM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/15940522_1520997331273584_6766566376545350414_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 08, 2017, 12:37:57 AM
It snowed today & while I was outside , for some reason , I thought of this song. ;D

https://youtu.be/LLFyP-3Uy0o?list=RDLLFyP-3Uy0o
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on January 09, 2017, 07:53:16 AM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/mama%20croc.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on January 09, 2017, 11:01:35 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: DB on January 09, 2017, 07:31:27 PM
Nature is amazing!   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bigboberta on January 12, 2017, 09:53:27 AM
After making groceries at Rouses, Clotile was walking to the parking lot to go home to Thibodeaux. After looking in her purse for her keys, she realized they were not there. Suddenly, she realized that she must have left them in her car, so she quickly made her way to the parking lot.

As she was walking, she started to worry about what Thibodeaux would say. He had always told her not to leave the keys in the ignition because someone would steal the car. Clotile always thought that the keys would never be lost if they stayed in the ignition.

After making her way to the parking lot, she realized that her car was not there. Clotile immediately called the police to report her stolen car.
Clotile finally decided that she had to call Thibodeaux. She said, “Honey, I left my keys in da car and it’s been stolen.”

There was a period of silence, then she heard Thibodeaux speak. “Cher, are you kiddin’ me?!? I dropped you off coullion!!!”
Now Clotile was quiet. Embarrassed, she replied, “Well, come and git me.”

He retorted, “I will . . . as soon as I convince dis cop dat I didn’t steal your car.”
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on January 12, 2017, 09:26:04 PM
what kind of carpet do they use at the north pole? 

brrr brrr

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on January 13, 2017, 12:30:20 AM
A farmer & his new wife are heading home in their horse & buggy when the horse kicks out & jars the buggy & occupants, So the farmer  gets down & punches the horse saying that's once!. A little further down the track the horse does it again ,so the young man gets down & punches the horse yet again, saying, that's twice. He remounts the buggy & starts off again & again the horse kicks out violently. This time the farmer dismounts & pulls out his pistol & shoots the horse stone dead. His new wife screams at him about what he has done to which he replies, That's once!!
                                                                              Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 13, 2017, 02:17:23 AM
A second grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day, she asked Jimmy what his problem was. He replied, “I’m too smart for the second grade, my sister is in the fourth grade, and I’m smarter than her too.”

The teacher took him to the principal’s office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Jimmy a test. If he failed to answer one question, then he would have to go back to the second grade and be quiet. The teacher and Jimmy both agreed.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Jimmy: “9.”
Principal: “6 x 6?”
Jimmy: “36.”
And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a fourth grader should know. Finally, after about an hour, he told the teacher “I see no reason why Jimmy can’t go to the fourth grade, he answered all of my questions right.”
The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Jimmy agree.
Teacher: “What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?”
Jimmy: “Legs”
Teacher: “What do you have in your pants that I don’t have?”
The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Jimmy says,
 “Pockets.”
Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Jimmy: “Pants.”
Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?”
Jimmy: “Firetruck.”
The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says
“ Jimmy is going to  the fourth grade.
I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.” ;D    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bigboberta on January 13, 2017, 09:00:32 AM
While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana, with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-foot alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took.
The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It’s one of the best pistols in my collection!
Plus … The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees were more than worth the purchase price of this gun.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on January 13, 2017, 07:41:11 PM
Due to a power outage the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3 year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mummy so that he could see to help deliver the baby.  Little Connor was born and the paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom and he began to cry.  The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3 year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed, to which she quickly responded "he shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again".

                                                                                              Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 19, 2017, 01:24:09 AM
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that.
 I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
 The young guy says,  That's OK, it's a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
 The old guy says,  Well, maybe I can help you find her; what does she look  like?
 The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. Old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom.
She is wearing no bra, has long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does  your wife look like?
 To which the old guy says,
 Doesn't matter, let's look for yours first.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 20, 2017, 01:22:55 AM
The Man's wife had been missing nearly a week now.
 The police told him this morning that at this point he should expect and even prepare for the worst.

 So, this afternoon he went back down to the goodwill store and got all of her stuff back.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 26, 2017, 11:21:07 PM
 I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go…
So I  called in sick . ;D

Here is a simple exercise that really helps you to lose weight:
1- Turn your head to the left.
Good.
2- Now turn your head to the right.
 Very good.
Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food.


Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave.
The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.
I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”
He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.” ;D


An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
 "Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me…
your mother is going to come and live with you and your family." ;D

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 31, 2017, 02:22:40 AM
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him,
 is he still wrong?

Have you heard of the garlic diet?
 You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner.

What do you call a grumpy and short tempered gardener?
 A Snap Dragon.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on February 02, 2017, 12:08:32 PM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/16299203_159493311217871_7646885278739362763_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bigboberta on February 02, 2017, 09:58:34 PM
Late Weather Update
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on February 03, 2017, 09:03:03 AM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/16299203_159493311217871_7646885278739362763_n.jpg)

Thanks That started my day off with a Out loud Laugh !(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on February 03, 2017, 10:20:00 AM
Lettuce see him get out of this. :D :D :D
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/16251892_10154161327511497_4657663333500363045_o.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 06, 2017, 10:20:57 PM
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts..
 After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE: (What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth..!!!!)

 1. Drive up to cash machine.
 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
 3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
 6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
 8. Insert card.
 9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN..
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card..
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on February 07, 2017, 03:03:11 AM
Here are some Grand kid Jokes! 
they told these because  I have some bee hives. 1)  Q What goes Zzub Zzub?, A ) a bee flying backwards.  >2) What does a bee look for when it crosses its legs?  a) a BP station . #3) why isn't there much honey in Brazil.  A) Because there is only one B in Brazil!      4)   Why do Bees hum  ?   A) Because they always forget the words!.  Q) what do you get when you cross a bumble bee with a rabbit ? A)  A  a honey bunny.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on February 07, 2017, 07:03:25 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 07, 2017, 11:30:30 PM
Mr Tazzy,    ;D  Mr Tazzy   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on February 09, 2017, 12:28:27 AM
G'day All,
 What did the alien say to the plants ?
 Take me to your Weeder!
What did the Bug say when he hit the windscreen,?
If I had the guts, I'd do that again!
What do you call a fly that has no wings,?
 A walk !.
What do you call a man with a shovel?
Doug!.
        At least there clean , regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 09, 2017, 03:05:50 AM
I love this story. Lay down what's bothering you, breathe in the fresh air and LISTEN to this story.

 Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again.
Enjoy every moment of life.

 As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
 As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

 I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

 I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

 The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
 I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
 I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

 As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen anything like that before,
and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." ;D

  I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on February 09, 2017, 05:07:26 AM
Mr Crazyhorse, Mr crazyhorse, This is what I would call A Classic, Thank you, Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on February 09, 2017, 07:44:36 AM
Another good one Mr. Crazyhorse! (https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/O/lol.gif)

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on February 09, 2017, 03:00:22 PM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/16602607_1905707659711669_4194258016096793287_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on February 09, 2017, 06:09:09 PM
Well Done,  Mr Ragun G,  Very Funny
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on February 09, 2017, 08:17:09 PM
I would like to share a personal experience about drinking and driving.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a cab before, and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage. Sell it to Uber?
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on February 11, 2017, 08:57:45 AM
G'day All,
Q)What do you call a tree you can't find ?. A) a Mys~tree. Q) What do you call a stupid flower?, A) a Daffy~dill ,    Q ) What do you call an old flower?, A)  Poppy ,                  Q) How do you get a one armed Wally out  of a tree A)Wave to him!. Q) What do you get when you run over a sparrow with a lawn mower?.  A) Shredded Tweet .  Q)  What goes Cluk Cluk, BANG ?. A) A chicken in a mine field!  Q) What do you get if you jump into the Red sea?. A)Wet!.      Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on February 11, 2017, 12:42:59 PM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/O/lol.gif) Thank you!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on February 12, 2017, 09:04:32 PM
G'day all,
Q) how come hairdressers are never late for work,? A)  because they always take short cuts!.  Q)What do you call a rocking chair on wheels?  A) A rock & roller!.   Q) What do you call a man who owes money?.  A)  Bill. Sorry just keepin it clean!
                                                  Smile ,Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on February 12, 2017, 09:29:41 PM
And What do you call an adolescent rabbit?

I know this is bad.. but


A pubic hare.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 13, 2017, 01:43:44 AM
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
 A Snap Dragon.

 What do you call a country where the people drive only pink cars?
  A pink carnation.

 What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
  A rash of good luck.

 Why don't you ever iron a four-leaf clover?
 You might press your luck.

 What do you call a mushroom who buys everyone drinks and is the life of the party?   
    A fun-gi.

 What insect is musical?
  A humbug.

 What do you call it when worms take over the world?
 Global Worming.

 Everyone knows how the Green Giant dresses when he works in the field. But when he goes to a corporate board meeting, what does he usually wear?

  A three peas suit.   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Okie Bob on February 13, 2017, 06:53:34 AM
A cowboy from Oklahoma moves to Montana, walks into a bar orders three beers, sits in the back and drinks them one at a time.
He goes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, 'if you order them one at a time, they'll stay colder'.
The cowboy says' well I have two brothers, one is a Navy Seal the other a Marine and both are serving overseas somewhere'. When they left home we all decided we'd drink this way, one beer for each until we were back together again.
The bartender agrees this is a nice way of remembering his brothers.
One day the cowboy walks in and orders two beers...the bartender says he is sorry for the cowboys loss and gives him two beers on the house. The cowboy looks at him kind of funny and all of a sudden realizes what the bartender is thinking and says 'no, my borthers are both doing fine.
You see, my wife and I joined the Baptist church and I can't drink anymore. But, my brothers didn't join!

You might have to be a Baptist from Oklahoma to get this one!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on February 13, 2017, 09:55:34 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/O/lol.gif)

I am not a a Baptist from Oklahoma but I got it!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 14, 2017, 01:52:38 AM
Mr Bob  ;D   Mr Bob   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 14, 2017, 02:52:25 AM
The wife called on her way home after a long, hard day at work & asked me to run her some hot water and don't forget the  bubbles.
Sooo I close the sink drain and put the Dawn dish detergent in the sink, open the hot water and I have her  hot water & bubbles waiting for her.

She will be so proud of me. ;D   ;D


















Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on February 14, 2017, 05:52:46 PM
G'day All.
Q)  What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?,  A) A brick layer!!
Q)  Where do chickens go when they die? A) to the oven!!
Q)  What did the scientists prove when they found bones on the moon ?.  A) The Cow did not make it!!.
Q)  What do you call a man in the ocean without any arms or legs?  A)  Bob.
  Have a great day,  Regards  Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on February 16, 2017, 02:14:31 PM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/16266346_1806341042963415_3024491559669489862_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on February 16, 2017, 11:03:07 PM
These two boundary riders, rode into town one day & as it had been a long while since their last visit  they noticed a new store that had the name, taxidermist , on the sign above the shop. Bill said I'll get the first shout , so Ted said I'll go find out the story behind this new bloke & I'll see you in the bar. Ted  walks into the new store & asked the proprietor what he did, to which he was told that he stuffed animals. Ted quizzically replied , Do you stuff Kangaroo's ? ,Yes was the reply,.  Do you stuff crocodiles? Sure do was the reply. Do you stuff emu's ?. I'm a master at stuffing them said the taxidermist. Great Mate thanks for  the education said Ted . When he walked back into the Pub & Bill said did ya find out what he does, Sure did said Bill, He's a boundary Rider just like us.!!
                                                                                  Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on February 18, 2017, 12:08:37 PM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/16114321_1799312566999596_5365128186250864671_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on February 20, 2017, 03:46:35 PM
I'm not being political, it's just a 13 second funny video

https://youtu.be/Zn4tY5alwiE
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bigboberta on February 20, 2017, 09:50:35 PM
Does this remind you of anyone?

Bob
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 22, 2017, 01:31:09 AM
A woman asks her neighbor, "can I borrow your lawnmower?"
 Her neighbor says,
"No, he's not home yet". ;D

What did Santa Claus say when he walked through a garden?
 Hoe!  Hoe!  Hoe!

Why did the banana go to the doctor?
 Because she was not peeling well. ;D

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on February 26, 2017, 08:53:18 PM
Here's a few to bring a smile to your day. Laugh and live happy!!!

(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/Shark%20lego.jpg)

(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/16712004_10155006152937152_6173224046922421955_n.jpg)

(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/tailgatingf.jpg)

(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/15941014_10154080329752595_7037216627528189510_n_1.jpg)

(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/14681755_682385095272054_7838399877783888481_n_zpsi002yuro.jpg)

(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/16864402_284956555256050_3754205827418168140_n.jpg)

(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/10984707_755836614485708_1419690509_n.jpg)

(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/10957904_668552683249668_1026184943008656707_n_1.jpg)

(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/images_2.jpg)

(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/f2a8da89-ce1c-4156-9707-e3442e5d85c9.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 27, 2017, 02:39:31 AM
Mr Ragun     ;D    Mr Ragun     ;D

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 05, 2017, 03:28:28 AM
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.


A good compost pile should get hot enough to poach an egg, 
 but not so hot it would cook a lobster.


Two friars are having trouble paying off the belfry, so they open a florist shop.
 Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God so business is quickly booming.
 The florist across town sees a huge drop in sales and asks the two friars to close their shop,
 but they refuse.
 A month later the florist begs the friars to close because he’s having trouble feeding his family.
 Again, they refuse, so the florist hires Hugh McTaggert.
 Hugh is the roughest, toughest thug in town and is hired to “persuade” the friars to close.
 Hugh asks the friars to close their florist shop.
 When they refuse, he threatens to beat the crap out of them and wreck their shop every day they remain open, so they close.
 This proves once again that

Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on March 09, 2017, 11:06:30 AM
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because they didn’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week the lady goes back, “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my passing gas…although still silent, they stink terribly.”

“Good”, the doctor said, “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: agragarden on March 09, 2017, 11:15:28 AM
  MR. BEN ----  Mr. Ben.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on March 09, 2017, 12:01:15 PM
 it's true...             
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 09, 2017, 10:20:34 PM
One day a little girl  was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
 She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair  sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
Momma I sure am glad you don't have many white hairs.
The  little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 

"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Double B on March 12, 2017, 03:20:19 PM
A man and his ever-nagging wife took a trip to Jerusalem. The wife was constantly complaining about every detail making their time together unbearable. A couple of days before they were to return home, a tragic accident ended the woman's life.

The undertaker told the man that he could either ship his wife back home for $5,000 or he could have her buried in the holy lands for $150. The man thought for a few minutes and told the undertaker he would like to have her sent home. The surprised undertaker asked the man why he would want to spend $5,000 when he could have a beautiful burial in Jerusalem for $150.

The man told the undertaker that a long,long time ago there was a man that was killed, buried and rose from the dead three days later and that was a chance he was not willing to take.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on March 12, 2017, 04:23:07 PM
Thanks everyone! They were great!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 13, 2017, 01:20:37 AM
Mr BB   ;D    Mr BB    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Okie Bob on March 14, 2017, 09:10:34 AM
BB, now that was funny and I don't care who you are!!!!! LMAO!!!!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 18, 2017, 02:25:54 AM
Bill asked the Preacher to pray for his hearing.
After a few minutes of fervent prayer with his hands clasped over Bill's ears the entire time,
the Preacher stopped praying and asked , how is your hearing now?

Bill said , I don't know, its coming up this Monday at the Courthouse. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on March 18, 2017, 10:06:02 PM
1) Why do cows have bells ?, A) because their horns don't work.   ,
2) What did one frog say to the other when he jumped in the river,?.   A) Knee Deep ,  Knee deep. 
3)  what do cows eat for breakfast,  A) Mooslie .
4) What kind of jewellery do rabbits like ?.   A)  24 carrot gold.
These came from the grandies!!!
                 regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on March 19, 2017, 09:39:27 AM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/Its-spring-wet-your-plants_zps80c121ca.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 21, 2017, 01:55:12 AM
Real Gardeners know they're going to live forever.
Why else would a ninety-year-old gardener plant two oak tree seedlings,
then look through a catalog

for a hammock. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Okie Bob on March 22, 2017, 07:06:36 AM
Boy, Crazy, ain't that the truth!!!! I keep doing the same thing and almost convinced myself to start a pecan orchard.....duhhhhh I'm 73 and it takes how long to get pecans???? Doubt I'd ever see one. But, plan ahead like I'm still 10' tall and bulletproof.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Lost in Lebeau on March 22, 2017, 07:32:50 AM
See Bob....See Bob Go.....Go, Bob, GO  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Chapman on March 22, 2017, 05:30:35 PM
That's being an optimist.  The thing is, when you are old time passes quicker.  So when you plant a tree, 5 years seems like a year, so it seems like it grew really fast. ;)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 23, 2017, 01:26:56 AM
Mr Okie, you are plenty tall enough , go ahead, plant dem Pecans. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Okie Bob on March 23, 2017, 06:07:52 AM
Hey, you guys keep it up and I just might go get them seedlings!!!! heheheheh....NOT
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Double B on March 23, 2017, 07:04:41 AM
Bob,

My grandmother told me that there were only two days to plant trees......today and twenty year ago. Go ahead and put you a few pecan trees in the ground. When you are 80 and picking up those tasty pecans, you can thank us then  ;)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Okie Bob on March 24, 2017, 06:35:53 AM
BB, you have a wise grandmother!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 25, 2017, 02:29:17 AM
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

  Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

  He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, then trot across the road to a bus-stop.

  The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

  When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
  The butcher follows, dumbstruck. 
  As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.

  The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step
 and barks repeatedly.
No answer.

 He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself (Whap!) against the door.
He does this again and again.

  No answer.

  So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

  Eventually a small guy opens it and starts yelling and shouting at the dog.

  The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the heck are you doing?
This dog's a genius!”

The owner responds,
   "Genius, my eye!


That's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!”
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 28, 2017, 02:50:45 AM


A little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
 After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,

Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?

NO  says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,  Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.

NO  says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,

Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks and a big bag of candy if you just hop on the back of my bike.

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and screams out...

Look Dad, you're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...


YOU RIDE IT!!   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Double B on March 28, 2017, 07:00:47 AM
An elderly man and woman were sitting inside a tavern having a cocktail when the old woman leaned over to the man and said, " Do you remember the first time we made love?" The old man replied, " Yes I do, it was out back of this very tavern up against that fence!"  The old woman says, " Do you want to try that again?"

A policeman overheard the conversation and as the couple eased out the door and headed around the back of the tavern, the policeman decided there was no way this was going to happen but he wanted to make sure nobody did them harm at the back of the tavern. Much to his surprise, they got around the back and the woman lifted her dress, the man lowered his trousers and thus began moaning and then screaming and a whole lot of writhing around. This furious action lasts ten minutes when both of them fell to the ground panting.

The policeman was in awe and a few minutes later the couple helped each other up. The woman pulled her dress down and the man pulled his trousers up. As they started back around the corner of the tavern the policeman just had to know their secret. He apologized to them for watching but asked the man, how could he and his wife possibly go after it like that at their age. The old man replied that when they did it out there fifty years ago the fence was not electric.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 28, 2017, 10:31:27 PM
They say that 90% of all Harleys ever made are still on the road today.
The other 10% were able to make it home.


Mechanic 1: "Are there any advantages to being addicted to brake fluid?"
Mechanic 2: "What do you mean, addicted? I can stop any time I want."



Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on March 29, 2017, 05:15:30 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/O/lol.gif) Thanks for my morning chuckle!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on March 30, 2017, 04:34:57 PM
You will not believe what just happened. I was pulled into the gas station. When I got out of the car I noticed these two police officers looking at a woman who was smoking while fueling up. I saw her and was like .. hmm what an idiot. So I went in to get a Dr. Pepper. As I was checking out I hear someone screaming. I look out and that woman's arm was on fire! She was tossing and waving her arm around and just going crazy! I ran outside and the officers had put her on the ground and were putting the fire out with an extinguisher. I saw that the officers put hand cuffs on her and were about to put her in the police car. I was thinking what in the world, so being the tender hearted person that I am, I asked the officers what they were arresting her for, figuring that catching her arm on fire would be punishment enough. He looked me dead in my eye and said .. 'waving a firearm' .
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Okie Bob on March 31, 2017, 05:11:44 AM
Rajun, that just reminded me that the toughest thing on an Aggie is second grade......just sayin....
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on March 31, 2017, 09:43:57 AM
At our age we can hide our own Easter Eggs...............

https://www.facebook.com/sungazing1/videos/1001623503325812/ (https://www.facebook.com/sungazing1/videos/1001623503325812/)

Ben
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on April 02, 2017, 03:27:10 AM
Experienced Gardener Wanted:

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
 Look Miss, said the foreman,  have you any actual experience in picking lemons?
Well, as a matter of fact, yes! she replied.

I've been divorced three times. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: tbird on April 02, 2017, 04:46:11 PM
   What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?



   The location of the dirt bag.    ;)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on April 04, 2017, 02:58:35 AM
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-rising, isn't it?"

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Double B on April 13, 2017, 08:41:43 AM
We have a new grocery store in our area. When you approach the produce section you hear thunder and a fine mist rains down on the produce with an aroma is released of a fresh spring day. When you approach the meat isle you hear cows mooing and the aroma of charcoal steaks and onions fills the air. As you approach the egg area, you can hear hens clucking and smell bacon and eggs frying. I don't buy toilet paper there anymore  :o :o :o
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: tbird on April 13, 2017, 11:07:59 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on April 14, 2017, 01:36:01 AM
Mr BB   ;D   Mr BB    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on April 29, 2017, 11:55:43 PM
A young executive is working late one evening.
As he comes out of his office about 8 PM he sees the Big Boss standing by the shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.
 "Do you know how to work this thing?" the Big Boss asks.
 "My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it."
 "Yes, sir," says the young executive, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the Big Boss man, and feeds it in.
 "Now," says his Big Boss,

"I just need  one copy of that very important document."
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on April 30, 2017, 06:02:32 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/aa611031/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Daniel Grant on May 02, 2017, 10:37:27 PM
This is not really a joke but a parody on being married to a farmer. It is a Buster Black story.
https://youtu.be/GcGiiViVlH8
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on May 03, 2017, 05:10:57 PM
The Americans With No Abilities Act (ANAA).

 

The Democratic Senate is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many more Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills and ambition.

 

“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. “We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”

 

In a Capitol Hill press conference, Nancy Pelosi pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).

 

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

 

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

 

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, “Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?”

 

“As a non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember “righty tighty, lefty loosey”. “This new law should be real good for people like me. I’ll finally have job security.” With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Said Sen. Dick Durbin, II: “As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.”

 

This message was approved by Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Diane Feinstein, Barbara Boxer, Maxine (WaWa) Waters, Chuck Schumer & Nancy Pelosi.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on May 03, 2017, 05:16:19 PM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/free%20cat.jpeg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bigboberta on May 03, 2017, 06:23:36 PM
That ain't no cat, that is a Jawga Ferret.

Bob
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on May 04, 2017, 12:00:13 PM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/18010189_1909990085907162_4912686999908409502_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: tbird on May 04, 2017, 12:26:08 PM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/free%20cat.jpeg)


  Look at the pretty puppy!   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on May 05, 2017, 04:13:07 AM
Cow Cop: Do u know why I bulled you over?

 Cow: A mooving violation?

Cow Cop: Erratic steering!

 Cow: That's udderly ridiculous.

Cow Cop: Don't give me no beef.

 ;D        ;D         ;D          ;D

   



Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on May 06, 2017, 04:15:31 AM
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
 He slides up to the bar and announces:
 ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'' ;D

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. ;D

''Dyslexic man walks into a bra'' ;D

 Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'.
Doc said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.
 'Is it common?'I asked.
Doc said 'It's not unusual' .  ;D   


Boy: calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.  ;D

Earlier today in court
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You're Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on May 12, 2017, 06:24:43 AM
this one is courtesy of my little one...

Q:  how do you fix a broken pizza?

A:  with tomato paste   

 :D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Double B on May 18, 2017, 09:08:54 AM
After 21 years of marriage his wife still leaves him little notes....Awwwww!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on May 20, 2017, 02:38:31 AM
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An investigator!! ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on May 24, 2017, 02:38:20 AM
80 year old grandma & birth control pills.

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her
life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring  all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
 As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes Dr, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these birth control pills that
could possibly help you sleep!"
 Mrs Smith reached out and gently patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes Dr, I know that.
But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks,

And Dr believe me, it REALLY DOES  help me sleep at night."  ;D ;D

You gotta love Grandmas.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on May 27, 2017, 05:39:47 AM
Q, What bird can't you trust, A) A Lyre bird
 Q)  What do you call a dead parrot .   A) A Polygon
 Q) What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot.    A)   A walkie talkie.
Q)  What birds are very Religious  .  A)  Birds of Prey
                      Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on May 27, 2017, 12:29:01 PM
A trucker came into a truck stop restaurant and placed his order. “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”

The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. … What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”

“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires means three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards is two slices of crisp bacon!”

“Oh … OK!” replied the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?”

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

She’s a quick thinker!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on May 28, 2017, 03:36:41 AM
Mr Ben   ;D   Mr Ben    ;D   
Give that waitress a raise.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on May 31, 2017, 06:44:59 PM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/bOUDREAUX.jpg)
Boudreaux is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses other than his family to be present, and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, "Tee-Boud, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.
My daughter "Joleene, you take the apartments over in the east end.
My son, "Hebert, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center.
Marie, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of
the river.
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Boudreaux slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Boudreaux, your husband must have been a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Marie replies, "Property ?? .... the sorry son of a gun had a newspaper route!"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on June 01, 2017, 02:03:44 AM
Mr Ragun   ;D    Mr Ragun     ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on June 01, 2017, 04:53:25 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/aa611031/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on June 01, 2017, 08:39:31 PM
G'day All,
 Here comes  some Aussie kids humor,
Q)If buttercups are Yellow then what color is a hiccup.?
A) Burple
Q) Why do Koala's carry their baby's on their back?
A}Because you can't push a pram up a tree.
Q)Where do you take a Kangaroo with bad eyesight ?
 A} To a Hoptician.
Q} How do you get rid of a boomerang?
A}  Throw it down a one way street
Q) What do you get when you cross a Koala with a Kangaroo  ?.
 A) A fur coat with deep pockets.
 That's enough punishment for now,
                     Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on June 02, 2017, 04:29:10 AM
Pete those were cute .
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Double B on June 02, 2017, 04:20:39 PM
I Nearly Became A Doctor:

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to get into medical school.

One of the questions asked was to arrange the letters "PNEIS" into the name of an important human body part.

Those who answered SPINE are doctors today. The rest of us are sharing jokes on gardening websites.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: DB on June 02, 2017, 05:54:46 PM
 ;D ;D  Yes we are. Good one Double B
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on June 02, 2017, 09:26:25 PM
Does anybody feel like they look like this when you shave off the beard?
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/chicken%20but.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on June 03, 2017, 04:26:55 AM
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away....
 ...I don't know, that seems

pretty far fetched. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on June 07, 2017, 12:12:27 AM
G'day All,
 This is a note I saw  posted on the door of a lunchroom of a business I go to. " Please Note ", All Staff, Do not use the microwave & toaster together ,or at  the same time . for those  of us who don't understand the meaning of together, as it will cause the breaker switch to throw on the power board ,  thus  causing the EARTH to spin off its axis  & plummet headlong into the solar system & collide with the sun ,This would not be good as it will ruin your meal hour.
                                                                                      Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Double B on June 13, 2017, 11:04:42 AM
A woman took her 80 year old husband to the doctor for his annual physical. The doctor examined him and told him that he had the body of a 40  year old. He did the stress test and then told him her had the stamina of a 25 year old. He was in excellent health.

When they came out to the waiting room the gentleman told his wife that he would get the car. His wife asked the doctor about her husband's health. He remarked that he was in excellent shape, had the body of a 40 year old and the stamina of a 25 year old. The doctor did ask his wife about one of his remarks though. He said that the man talked about how close he was with God. He went on the tell the doctor that at night when he got up to go to the bathroom that God would turn on the light for him. All the sudden the wife put her head in her hands and said, "well....that explains who's been peeing in the refrigerator at night!"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: catgrass on June 13, 2017, 01:26:51 PM
Two Cajuns went into a bar/ deli for their lunch.  They pulled out their sandwiches they had brought from home and began to eat them.  The bartender came over, a little bit mad, and told them they could not eat their own sandwiches in the bar.  They looked at each other, shrugged, and exchanged sandwiches!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on June 16, 2017, 05:02:06 PM
 A Lonely Man on a Beach
A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton. That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave-in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on June 16, 2017, 05:02:42 PM
Q: Is Google male or female?



A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on June 24, 2017, 02:30:45 AM
Marriage used to be matrimony, but now it is ------   matter o’ money. ;D

A man said the only reason why his home was not blown away in the storm was because there was a heavy mortgage on it.

You say that Mr. Jay was your tutor?”
“No, sir.
I said he taught me the French horn.
He taught me to toot--
hence I call him my tooter.”

A man sentenced to death for having two wives, stormed out,
"How could you do this?
The priest himself told me I could have 16 wives:
 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on June 30, 2017, 03:30:14 AM
Free helium balloons!

Get them before they're gone!.....

no strings attached!  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on June 30, 2017, 06:12:52 AM
G'day All,
 The wife & I have a perfect  understanding as to how things are in our lives. I know what's hers is hers, what's mine is hers , and if she wants my opinion on anything at all she gives it to me first!
                                     Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on July 01, 2017, 11:40:48 PM

THE NEW HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER

 After retiring from the army, a former Airborne  Infantry Sergeant took a job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. 
He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body. 
Fortunately, the cast fitted snugly under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit jacket

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. 
The smart-a__ punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former soldier, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. 
A strong breeze through the window made his tie flap.
He picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
 
 Dead Silence.

The rest of the year went smoothly.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on July 02, 2017, 05:21:39 PM
Ben that was great! Thank you
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on July 03, 2017, 10:50:03 AM
THE VALUE OF A GOOD VOCABULARY
 
I called an old MIT engineering classmate and asked what he was doing.
He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."
 
 
I was impressed...
 
 
Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: DB on July 03, 2017, 11:43:16 AM
 ;D Good one Ben! ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 04, 2017, 03:32:41 AM
Mr Ben,    ;D    Mr Ben    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on July 08, 2017, 08:54:28 AM
G'day All,
  Did you hear about the two leapers playing cards, One threw his hand in ,The other laughed his head off.
Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on July 08, 2017, 09:19:49 AM
my little one told me this one...not sure if i put it up before, but makes me laugh every time

Q:  how do you defeat an angry circus mob?
A: go for the juggler

lol.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on July 10, 2017, 03:04:27 AM
Grandies asked me, Q ,What kind of Petrol do insects use in their cars.
                              A, Bee Pee                     ( as in British Petroleum
                                                Regards Pete)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bobcatgardener on July 17, 2017, 12:39:40 PM
When Tee-Boudreux was a college freshman at LSU, being fresh out of the swamps, and a rather healthy young man, he figured he'd try out for the football team.

"Can you tackle?" asked the coach on his first day of practice.

"Watch dis." Tee Boudreaux told him, & proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it into splinters.

"Wow" said the coach. "I'm impressed". "Can you run?"

"Mais sure ah can run" said Tee-Boudreaux. He took off like a shot and in just over nine seconds..he ran a 100 yards.

"Great" exclaimed the excited coach.. "But can you pass a football?"

Tee rolled his eyes....hesitated a few seconds & said, "Mais, coach...If ah can swallow it....I can probably pass it".
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 18, 2017, 12:39:04 AM
Mr Bob   ;D   Mr Bob   ;D 
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: tbird on July 20, 2017, 02:38:46 AM
Dearest Dad,

I am coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out.  I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.

As you know, I am in Australia ... and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook , had long chats on Whatsapp.  He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of a relationship through Viber.
My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.

Lots of love and thanks.
Your favorite daughter,
Lilly


THE RESPONSE

My Dear Lilly,

Like Wow! Really? Cool!

Whatever ... I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal.  And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay. 

Love,
Your Dad
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 21, 2017, 02:43:57 AM
Mr Bird,  ;D Mr Bird   ;D

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on July 21, 2017, 05:23:41 AM
Just catching up!
 Thanks everyone each of them gave me a chuckle! (https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/aa611031/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 22, 2017, 01:47:14 AM
A Blonde And A Redhead Have A Ranch…

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.”

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word.

She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.”

Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?”
The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'”
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on July 23, 2017, 11:38:00 AM

Irish eyes are smilin

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into
the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns
around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he
asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts,
"Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him
back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies,
"No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer,
dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the
water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers,
"No, I haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
(get ready for this)
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
 
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on July 24, 2017, 06:52:35 PM
Men and big decks!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5-vMZJ7NMk&app=desktop
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bobcatgardener on July 25, 2017, 11:53:00 AM
Stole this from Boudreaux on FB. It's the truth

DON'T MESS WITH LOUISIANA !!!!!!!
 
President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.  "Hello, Mr.President Obama," in a heavily accented Cajun voice said. "Dis' is Boudreaux, down here at Slim's in Kinder, I am callin' to tell ya'll dat we declaring war on ya!"
 
"Well Boudreaux," Barack replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
 
"Right now," said Boud, "dere's myself, my brother-in-law Thib, my next-door-neighbor Bubba, and a few other gator huntn' buddies. Dat makes eight!"
 
Barack paused. "I must tell you Boudreaux that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
 
"Wow," said Boudreaux. "call ya back!" 

Sure enough, the next day, Boud called again. "Mr Obama, da war is on! We got us some infantry equipment!"
 
"And what equipment would that be Boudreaux?" Barack asked.
 
"We got us two combines, couple of 4 wheelers, a piroque, and Thib's John Deere."
 
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Boudreaux, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
 
"Lord above", said Boud, "be gitting back to ya cher."

Sure enough, Boudreaux rang again the next day. "President Obama, da war is still on! We got ourselves airborne! Bubba fixed his ultra-lite wit couple of shotguns in da cockpit, and four vets from the VFW signed up!"
 
Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Boudreaux that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
 
"Oh Lord," said Boud, "Call you back."
 
Sure enough, Boudreaux called again the next day. "President Obama! Sorry to tell you dat we have called off da war."
 
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
 
"Well sir," said Boudreaux, "we all sat down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to think of it, dere's just no way our wives can make enough gumbo to feed two million prisoners."

LOUISIANA CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN !!!
 


Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on July 25, 2017, 01:53:29 PM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-SqxJ4wD/0/9d2e9926/O/laughing-2.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on July 26, 2017, 05:12:27 PM
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.  He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them for dinner.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on July 26, 2017, 05:19:15 PM
Who Knew?
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on July 28, 2017, 09:09:06 PM
Mr Ragun , Mr Ragun , This one got us Laughing fit to burst!!!
                    Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 28, 2017, 11:50:43 PM
Mr Tazzy, I agree.
Now I know why rain coats are not clear any more. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on August 02, 2017, 03:52:37 PM


AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on August 02, 2017, 05:40:34 PM
 ;D Thanks!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bobcatgardener on August 02, 2017, 07:15:59 PM
My wife told me to help prepare our youngest son for his first day at school.



So I punched him in the face and stole his lunch money.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Double B on August 02, 2017, 09:22:01 PM
A cowboy from Bedias, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 but he was not a depositor at that bank.

The bank officer told him that he would need some sort of collateral for the loan so the old cowboy handed over his keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The old cowboy produced the clear title and everything checked out so the loan officer agreed to hold the car and apologized for having to charge him 12% interest.

Later the bank's president and it's officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the cowboy from the south for using a half million dollar Ferrari for collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank drove the car into the bank's underground garage and safely parked it.

Two weeks later, the old cowboy returned and repaid the $5,000 loan along with the $23.07 of interest. The loan officer said,"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni of Texas A&M, a highly sophisticated investor and a multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?

The ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bobcatgardener on August 03, 2017, 05:31:33 AM
A guy goes into a bar down in Louisiana where there’s a robot bartender! The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Whiskey.” The robot brings back his drink and says to the guy, “What’s your IQ?” The guy decides to “fudge it a little” and says,” 168.” The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Whiskey.” Again, the robot brings the guy his drink and says, “What’s your IQ?” This time he decides to just tell him the truth and the guy says, “100.” The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try this robot bartender one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Whiskey,” and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “Uh, about 50.” The robot leans in real close to him and whispers, "Roll tide."
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on August 03, 2017, 02:31:21 PM
One day, Farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a
couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: How to carry all of his purchases home? The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the
bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a little old lady who told
him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1520 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut
and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get into the alley you won't
take advantage of me?" The farmer said, "Heck, lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in God's name could I possibly do that?" The little old lady
said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 04, 2017, 12:37:50 AM
Mr Ragun,  ;D   Mr Ragun   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bobcatgardener on August 06, 2017, 07:09:06 PM
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:  "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety… the works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 07, 2017, 12:51:25 AM
Mr BobCat   ;D   Mr BobCat    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on August 07, 2017, 06:33:42 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/aa611031/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on August 07, 2017, 11:08:39 AM

One morning three South Georgia 'good old boys' and three Yankees were in a ticket line at the Atlanta train station heading to Athens, GA for a big football game.
 
The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three
Southerners bought just one ticket among them.
 
"How are the three of you going to travel on one ticket?" asked one of
the Yankees.
 
"Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from the South.
 
When the six travelers boarded the train, the three Yankees sat down,
but the three Southerners crammed into a restroom together and closed
the door.
 
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect
tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket please."
 
The door opened just a crack, and a single arm emerged with a ticket
in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.
 
The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
 
Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return
trip and save some money.
 
That evening after the game, when they got to the train station, they
bought a single ticket for the return trip, while to their
astonishment the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket.
 
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the
perplexed Yankees.
 
"Watch and learn", answered one of the Southern boys.
 
When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a restroom, and the three Southerners crammed themselves into the other restroom across from it.
 
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left
their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankees' bathroom. He
knocked on the door and said, "Ticket please".
 
There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the South lost the Civil War.

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bobcatgardener on August 07, 2017, 11:24:15 AM
Good one Mr Ben!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bobcatgardener on August 07, 2017, 05:42:58 PM
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened . Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.  When the postal authorities received the letter to  God ,  USA ,  they decided to send it to the President. 
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.  The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money  to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: 
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington   D.C. and those buttheads took $95.00 in taxes.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bigboberta on August 07, 2017, 06:23:16 PM
I like that one bobcat.

Bob
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on August 08, 2017, 01:41:50 PM
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

(You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.)

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

(Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.)

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

(All the men sighed with unified relief.)

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife -- the word is sternum."
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 09, 2017, 12:30:33 AM
Mr Ben   ;D

Mr BobCat   ;D

Mr Ragun   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on August 11, 2017, 11:29:56 AM
WHY SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS ~~
I was visiting my daughter last night when
I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century" she said. "We don't waste money on
Newspapers.
Here… use my iPad."
I can tell you this….. That friggin fly never knew what hit him..
 
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on August 11, 2017, 02:33:07 PM
This guy's at a bar, and it's really late.
He's been drinking hard all night, and is so tanked he falls backwards right off the bar stool onto the floor.
He slowly climbs back up, takes another swig and slides right back onto the floor.
 
Finally, this other guy is sympathetic and offers to drive the guy home.
On the way out to the car, the drunk falls over a few times, and crawls the rest of the way to the car.
When they get to his house, he can't even walk, and falls five times on the way to his own front door.

The good samaritan helps him the rest of the way, and rings the doorbell.

The drunk's wife opens the door.
He says, "Sorry to wake you m'am. Your husband's had a few too many, so I drove him home for you."
The wife gratefully responds,
"Thank you, sir, that's very kind of you." "But where's his wheelchair?"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: PawPaw gene on August 11, 2017, 07:36:05 PM
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?


A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.
 After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's  caused by loose living,  being with  cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath!'

 

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be  damned, '
Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and  apologized.
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.

I was just reading here that the Pope does.

"gene"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 12, 2017, 12:52:49 AM
O my goodness. 

I hope ya'll can keep telling the good jokes.

Those are just plain out funny.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on August 12, 2017, 08:07:02 AM
An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained.

“Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: agragarden on August 13, 2017, 08:35:25 AM
   Supreme court justice Ruth Ginsburg passed away late yesterday. During the night Hillary Clinton called president Trump and wanted to know if she could take her place , Trumps response was it was ok with him if the funeral parlor didn't have any problem with it .


    Rick
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on August 15, 2017, 05:46:51 PM
At a recent meeting of the farmers co op, a couple of marketeers were debating & one came out with this." Listen here  Mate, If you must talk out of your Ass , then at least have the common decency to stand up, as we all hate Mumbling "    . Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bobcatgardener on August 15, 2017, 08:04:01 PM
Hahaha that's funny turfer!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 17, 2017, 02:26:40 AM
What new crop did the farmer plant?
 (Beets me!)

 Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?
 (Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!)

 Farmers earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, turn-ip the covers, en-dive into bed!)

 What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
 (Where's pop?)

 What is a sheep's favorite game?
 (Baa-dminton!)

 Why did the cabbage win the race?
 (Because it was ahead!)

 Why was the cucumber mad?
 (Because it was in a pickle!)   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on August 17, 2017, 05:28:09 AM
(https://lunatique.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX) Just catching up Thanks those were great! They gave me my first laughs of the day!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on August 18, 2017, 09:24:42 AM
Busted!!!

(https://ci4.googleusercontent.com/proxy/S0awlmRN4S-DOtRR6hFJIOC3oUPAdqbFO5blM20aXK67BjJTXg031eNaOHPCS_EbfesTP4sNIKOVSXzd=s0-d-e1-ft#http://www.tbyil.com/Doc_Busted_Sm.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on August 19, 2017, 09:58:15 AM
Wait for it.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on August 19, 2017, 10:18:48 AM
 :o :o :o
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 21, 2017, 01:23:10 AM
Bunnies,
Two little bunnies, bless their souls,
 Go into hiding in their holes,
 And they emerge a seething mob,
 It must have been an inside job.



The Gardener
I know a gardening man,
 who grows red roses
 and catches the caterpillars
 by their noses.
 He lifts up the beetles
 that eat his carrots,
 and takes them to the zoo
 to feed the parrots.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 21, 2017, 03:38:07 AM
If a gardener gardens a gardener's garden,
 does the gardener who gardens the gardener's garden,
 garden the gardener's garden the way the gardener wants it gardened?

Stressed spelled backwards is Desserts. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bobcatgardener on August 23, 2017, 07:31:08 PM
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”

My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bobcatgardener on August 23, 2017, 07:34:05 PM
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed
in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect
woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never frickin listen, either.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on August 23, 2017, 09:17:31 PM
I like that MIL joke, LOL

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State:

1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.

2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..

3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!

"And I went to a real rodeo.Talk about athletes...those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: BarryJenkins on August 23, 2017, 09:28:33 PM
I saw this on a video the other day.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?


Bison..... ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: GopherBroke on August 24, 2017, 09:16:35 AM
My bad thought I could attach  a comic but it didn't work
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on August 28, 2017, 07:56:46 AM
Did you hear about the two Aussie bricklayers who were going to work one year, One said ,Do you want to go to work or go to the Races.?. The other brickie  said we had better do the democratic thing & toss a brick, If it stays up we go to work, If she comes down we go to the races.
                            Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 30, 2017, 11:36:33 PM
A minister was completing a temperance sermon and with
Great emphasis he said,

'If I had all the beer in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said,
And if I had all the wine in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'


And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,
'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.

Sermon complete, he sat down... :pray:

The song leader stood and announced
With a smile,

For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365,

Shall We Gather at the River.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on September 02, 2017, 02:18:13 PM
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and nothing happens. The executioners all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”



BLONDES JUST DON'T GET ANY RESPECT!
Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and, one night, he's doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on September 05, 2017, 05:38:42 PM
The young Cajun man had just graduated from Bible College and was called to pastor a church close to his home town in South Louisiana. The new Pastor was so nervous at his first service, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked his former Pastor for suggestions on how he could relax.
The older minister said, "Mais, next Sunday, it may help if you put a little vodka in you water glass. After a few sips, everyting should go smoothly. Me, I will be visiting you church next week to see how tings go for you cher."
The next Sunday the young minister put the older pastor's suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, after the service, his former Pastor pulled him aside and offered this advice for him.
1. Next time, sip rather dan gulp.
2. Dere are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. Dere are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. We do not ever refer to da cross as da "Big T"
5. Da recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, tanks for da grub. Yeah God!"
6. We do not refer to Our Savior, Jesus, and His disciples as "J.C. and da Boys"
7. David slew Goliath; he did not "kick da crap out of him."
8. And last, but not least, da Father, da Son, and da Holy Ghost are never ever referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and da Spook."
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bobcatgardener on September 05, 2017, 08:26:15 PM
Lol boy alcohal and us cajuns!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on September 06, 2017, 05:12:28 PM
Someday in the near future
We old folks can use cursive writing
as a way of sending secrete code.

Ben
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on September 07, 2017, 12:42:23 AM
Q.  Why did the Golden Delicious go to jail?
A.  He was a rotten apple.

Q.  Why did the potatoes get a divorce?
A.  Because they couldn’t see eye to eye.

Q: How well is your garden going to grow?
A: Only thyme will tell

Q: Why did the gardener quit?
A: His celery wasn’t high enough


Q: Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
A: They were too corney.



Q: Why did the gardener leave the store without a  new shovel?
A: He did not have enough cabbage.

 

Q: Why did the tomato and the corn fall in love?
A: He whispered sweet nothings into her ear.

 

Q: What do you get when you mix a relative and a fruit?
A: A Granny Smith

Q: Why did the corn get sent to jail?
A: She was caught stalking the tomato.

Q: How come the horse would not go faster than a walk?
A: He Cant-a-loupe

Q: What’s the gardeners favorite court sport?
A: Squash

Q: Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
A: He had a really long Honeydew list.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on September 13, 2017, 02:32:43 PM
TWO PRIESTS---Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.
The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a “drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father” – “Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning Father,” . . . “Good morning Father,” and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn’t stand it and said. “Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”

“Oh Father, don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Angela!”
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on September 14, 2017, 02:41:33 AM
Mr Ben ;D  Mr Ben ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on October 04, 2017, 10:23:33 PM
Breaking News!!!!!!!

Chicago Police have replaced all sirens with the National Anthem to force fleeing suspects to stop running & take a knee.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on October 05, 2017, 12:00:40 AM
G'day All,
I am not sure if you would call it a joke , but in the toilets at the local pub someone had made tiny arrows in texta pen across the wall to the right side of the urinal & when you follow the arrows in tiny writing on the far wall said " Now you are Peeing on your right foot"! 
 Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on October 05, 2017, 08:01:25 AM
Breaking News!!!!!!!

Chicago Police have replaced all sirens with the National Anthem to force fleeing suspects to stop running & take a knee.

(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-3wPdG7Q/0/d29ec6ba/O/TwoThumbs%20Up.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on October 05, 2017, 09:56:25 AM
wanting to give his students a visual of what mass hysteria was with a follow up discussion he showed them a tape of  Elvis's first concerts. About the half way through the first Elvis number several of the girls in the class went into total hysteria with the girls on the screen. The teacher was amazed and asked the girls if they were big Elvis fans, no we don't know much about him, we just saw our Mothers
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on November 02, 2017, 08:04:56 AM
Not a joke but I found it to be funny!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynO-bqU6tUk (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynO-bqU6tUk)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on November 02, 2017, 11:00:27 AM
Two rednecks, Bubba and Gator, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of bud.
The passenger, Bubba,said. "Lookey up thar, Gator, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin these beers!!
"Don't worry Bubba". "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat".
"What fer?" Asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin okay?" Said Gator.
Well, they finished their beers,threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sherriff said, "You boys been drinkin?".
"No sir" Gator said. "We're on the patch."
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on November 09, 2017, 09:14:42 PM
Boudreaux was in the big city and shopping at a high end electronics store when he comes across a device he just can't hardly believe has been invented. So he buys himself a genuine lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie, more out of curiosity than anything.
He gets the robot back home and decides to test it out during suppertime that night. Boudreaux asks his son, T-Boud, what he did that afternoon. T-Boud says, "I did some homework me."
The robot slaps T-Boud.
T-Boud says, "Ok, Ok, I was at my friend's house watching movies."
Boudreaux asks, "What movie did you watch my boy?"
T-Boud says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps him again.
T-Boud says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Boudreaux says, "What?!!? At your age, I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps Boudreaux.
Marie laughs and says, "Well, dat certainly is your boy."
The robot slaps Marie.
The robot is now for sale.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bobcatgardener on November 10, 2017, 12:29:33 PM
Phhhaaaaahahahaha. Dats a good one Rajun!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on November 11, 2017, 03:13:06 AM
YES it is .
Thanks for posting.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on November 21, 2017, 12:37:17 AM
Well with tax time coming up I just had to post this.


Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.
 Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
 Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road.
The policeman stopped traffic and recovered the box.
It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on November 21, 2017, 01:15:01 AM
 A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
 After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied,  but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
 Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was,
 'Get the quarterback!
 Get the quarterback!'
 I'm like, hello?
It's only 25 cents!"  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on November 28, 2017, 09:29:21 PM
I'd like to thank all my fans!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bigboberta on December 04, 2017, 05:08:11 PM
Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the man cave.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And the #1 reason why God created Eve . . .

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that !!!"

:-)


Bob
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on December 04, 2017, 05:19:53 PM
Ha, Bob----now you said a mouthful!!   All true!!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on December 05, 2017, 01:43:35 AM
Q: What do you call an elf who sings?
 A: a wrapper!

 Q: Why is Christmas just like your job?
 A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

 Q: Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
 A: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

 Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
 A: Claustrophobic.

 What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
 RUDEolph.

 
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on December 05, 2017, 04:29:31 PM

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank, in one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph, right into the open window.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"  So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.  "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

“I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world.  I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans"
"No!  Let me tell you!" his mother retorts.  "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us.  The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten to within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago.”
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on December 05, 2017, 11:45:12 PM
Mrs Rabbit   ;D    Mrs Rabbit   ;D that is a good one. ;D


Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
 A: Because he had low elf esteem.

 What do you call a can wearing a Christmas hat?
 A Merry Can (American)

 Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
 A: North Polish.

 What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
 A rebel without a Claus.

 Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
 A: Subordinate clauses

 The 4 stages of life:
 1. You believe in Santa Claus
 2. You don't believe in Santa Claus
 3. You dress up as Santa Claus
 4. You look like Santa Claus
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on December 06, 2017, 05:41:46 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/aa611031/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on December 08, 2017, 09:18:24 AM
Boudreaux an Tibodeaux was workin' on a house. Tibodeaux was nailin' down sidin' an would reach in his nail pouch, pull out a nail an eidar toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. Boudreaux kept watchin' an wen he couldn't stan it no more he decide to axe wat in da worl Tibodeaux was doin'. Boudreaux axe "Why you throwin away dem nails for?"
Tibodeaux say, "Mais, if ah pull a nail out of ma pouch an it's point toward me, ah trow it away 'cause it's defektive. If it's point toward da house, den ah nail it in!"
Boudreaux got really upset an yell, "Mais, you some kind of stupid! Da nails pointed toward you ain't defective! Dey for da udder side of da house!"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on December 08, 2017, 08:56:21 PM
Mr Ragun ;D  Mr Ragun  ;D.

That is good info. now I know ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bigboberta on December 09, 2017, 10:42:00 AM
I heard someone caught a snowcrab yesterday in Houma.

Bob
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on December 18, 2017, 03:43:17 AM
Imagine The Titanic with a lisp.

 It's  "unthinkable".  ;D    ;D    ;D
 ;D        ;D          ;D          ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on December 24, 2017, 11:37:32 AM
Signage !

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READS:

We will heel you

We will save your sole

We will even dye for you.


A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:

“Blind man driving.”

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for,

You've come to the right place.”

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:pp

"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank Heaven for little grills.”

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak.”

And the best one for last...;

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on December 24, 2017, 12:53:27 PM
Ben you had to dig deep for a couple of those, I like them all. Jewel & I used to catch each other off guard & try hard to crack each other up. Two times I really got her, at a little party in my honor she sang Sinner or Saint to me sitting on a stage, she really sang it low & sultry with all the right moves, when she finished she bent down to give me a kiss, I said "my place or yours" I've shown that picture. I was speaking before a church group one time and an elderly man appeared to be sound asleep sitting toward the back. Jewel was sitting behind me waiting to be introduced for her solo, I turned & nodded then whispered "hit a high note & see if you can wake that old bastard up. She never stopped smiling. 
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on December 25, 2017, 02:50:18 AM
Mr Ben , Mr Monroe, those are good ones.
We need more. ;D

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: LAFarm on December 30, 2017, 02:46:07 PM
Remember an occasion at church one Sunday morning during the sermon when I was a kid.  One of my grandparents dear friends of many years always sat on the second row of pews directly in front of the pastors pulpit.  Occasionally, he would drift off to sleep but his head would never sag or move.  This morning, when the pastor noticed that he had dozed off, he continued in the same monotone and said "everyone of you who are asleep, I want you to SAY AMEN!"  Of course, when he said SAY AMEN, he said that part forcefully into the microphone.  At which point the old gentleman woke up and fervently shouted out AMEN!  Virtually every member of the congregation erupted into good natured laughter, including himself after his wife whispered in his ear what had happened.  He was a very jovial man who had a grandson that later married my little sister!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on January 04, 2018, 10:42:26 PM
my little one told me this one:

Q: what did the zero say to the number 8?

A: nice belt.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on January 14, 2018, 05:42:53 PM
Enjoy 2018

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

 
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible
George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea.
Visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante

I have never  hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.
Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness.
But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good, spit it out!

 
May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more,
and may nothing but happiness come through your door...
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 14, 2018, 11:14:31 PM
Mr Ben , those are good. ;D


I am NOT telling my age, BUT I remember when the Dead Sea was sick. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on January 15, 2018, 01:00:31 PM
lol crazy!   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 16, 2018, 03:01:21 AM
After all the Christmas dinners,

I think I will name my stomach  "Budapest".

Because it is the capital of "Hungary". ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 23, 2018, 02:47:18 AM
Q.  Why did the Golden Delicious go to jail?
A.  He was a rotten apple.

Q.  Why did the potatoes get a divorce?
A.  Because they couldn’t see eye to eye.

Q: How well is your garden going to grow?
A: Only thyme will tell

Q: Why did the gardener quit?
A: His celery wasn’t high enough.

Q: Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
A: They were too corney.

Q: What is a gardener’s favorite novel?
A: War & Peas

Q: Why did the gardener leave the store without a  new shovel?
A: He did not have enough cabbage leaves.

 Q: Why did the tomato and the corn fall in love?
A: He whispered sweet nothings into her ear.

 Q: What do you get when you mix a relative and a fruit?
A: A Granny Smith

Q: Why did the corn get sent to jail?
A: She was caught stalking the tomato.

Q: How come the horse would not go faster than a walk?
A: He Cant-a-loupe

Q: Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
A: He had a really long Honeydew list.


Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on January 23, 2018, 08:13:44 AM


In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching."
Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 25, 2018, 01:14:40 AM
Mrs Maggie, that was a smart little boy. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 27, 2018, 11:40:41 PM
My wife works over-thyme in her herb garden before she decides it is time to cummin.   
 A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
 I will cut the grass only when I get mowtivated.
 When the going gets tough, the tough get growin'.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
 When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
 Old gardeners never die they just vegetate.
 Every calendar's days are numbered.
 Gardeners like to plant their feet firmly. 
 By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb over the fence. 
 If you're a gardener you might call yourself a 'plant manager'.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bigboberta on February 03, 2018, 04:30:36 PM
Advice from An Old Farmer

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered… not yelled.

Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.

Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

Don ‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around..

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.

Most times, it just gets down to common sense.

Bob
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Double B on February 12, 2018, 07:51:47 PM
Cowboys

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman and determined to keep the Ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the local newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay, the other was a drunk. She thought long and hard about it and decided to hire the gay guy figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the Ranch was doing very well.

One day the ranchers widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the Ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. One o'clock in the mornicame and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two thirty. Upon entering the room, he found the rancher's wife sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as directed.  "Now take off my boots."  He did as asked, ever so slowly. "now take off my socks."

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as instructed and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes to town again, your fired."
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on February 13, 2018, 04:07:08 AM
A new Primary school teacher was telling her class that only Humans stuttered , when a little girl put her hand up & told her teacher that her kitty stuttered once. The Teacher was amused by this & requested more information as to her stuttering cat. The little girl went on to tell the tale that when  she was out in the back yard of her house with her kitty and  the big Rottweiler next door got a run up & jumped the fence. The teacher said that must have been frightening, to which the little  girl said it sure was & that was the time when my kitty stuttered, Its back was arched & its hair stood up & it went furrt ,furrt , furrt, & before it could say FU** Off, the Rottweiler ate it  .Needless to say the Teacher left the room for a moment.
           Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on February 13, 2018, 09:26:44 AM
Good one Mr. BB
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on February 13, 2018, 02:01:35 PM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/aa611031/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 15, 2018, 02:40:30 AM
If you care for your chickens at home ---
Does this make you a  ----  chicken tender. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on February 15, 2018, 07:13:06 AM
That was cute!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 16, 2018, 01:47:31 AM
Baseball in Heaven?

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90’s, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they’re reminiscing about their long friendship. The friend says, “Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there’s baseball in heaven.”

The dying man responds, “We’ve been friends for a lifetime, so yes, I’ll do this for you.” And then he dies.

A few days later, the surviving friend is sleeping, when he hears his friend’s voice.

“I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” it says. “The good news is: there’s baseball in heaven.”

“What’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching on Wednesday.”
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on February 16, 2018, 08:22:41 AM
Ireland -  the 99-year-old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying.

 The Nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her and

trying to make her last journey comfortable. They wanted to give her warm

milk to drink but she declined. One of the nuns took the glass back to the

kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received

as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous

amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass

to her lips. The very frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they

knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to

have one last talk with their spiritual leader..

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom

before you leave us"

She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them

and said: "DON'T SELL THAT COW."
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on February 16, 2018, 12:46:05 PM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-DFrM9xR/0/5b785fcc/O/lol-049.gif) Good one Ben!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 17, 2018, 12:04:55 AM
I agree with Mrs Maggie.

Mr Ben  ;D  Mr Ben    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 17, 2018, 12:24:46 AM
 I R S == WE HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO TAKE WHAT YOU HAVE.   :'(
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 21, 2018, 02:54:03 AM
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
 "Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
 He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
 "Perhaps I could help.  What exactly have you done?"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 21, 2018, 02:56:01 AM
Cabbage always has a heart;
 Green beans string along.
 You're such a Tomato,
 Will you Peas to me belong?
 You've been the Apple of my eye,
 You know how much I care;
 So Lettuce get together,
 We'd make a perfect Pear.
 Now, something's sure to Turnip,
 To prove you can't be Beet;
 So, if you Carrot all for me
 Let's let our Tulips meet.
 Don't Squash my hopes and dreams now,
 Bee my Honey, dear;
 Or tears will fill Potato's eyes,
 While Sweet Corn lends an ear.
 I'll Cauliflower shop and say
 Your dreams are Parsley mine.
 I'll work and share my Celery,
 So be my Valentine.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on February 23, 2018, 04:31:00 PM
(https://image.ibb.co/dmey0x/26195586_1216522951813323_2659311036991623657_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Double B on February 25, 2018, 10:59:42 AM
On their way to the church to be married a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car crash. When they arrived at the Pearly Gates they were patiently waiting for St. Peter. The young bride asked her future husband if he thought they would be able to be married in heaven. The young groom decided they should ask St. Peter. When they approached him, the young groom asked, "St. Peter, would it be possible for us to be wed here in heaven?" St. Peter scratched his head and replied, " I don't know but wait here and I'll go find out."

The young couple was outside the gates for two months and began wondering what if things in their marriage didn't work out? Would you be able to get a divorce in heaven? As another month went by St. Peter opened the gates and told them, "Yes, you may be married in heaven." The young couple told St. Peter that during their wait they had also posed the question to whether or not, if it didn't work out could they get a divorce in heaven?

St. Peter's face turned red with anger as he slammed his clipboard to the ground. He replied, "It took me three months to find a priest in here and now you want me to go try and find a lawyer?"
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 03, 2018, 02:13:10 AM
The Preacher Desmond Decoux woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So… he told to his Assistant that he was feeling sick and convinced him to preach for him that day.
As soon as the Assistant left the room, Preacher Decoux headed out of town to a golf course about thirty kilometers away.
 This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his church.
 Setting up on the first tee, he was alone.
After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
 At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Almighty God while looking down from Heaven  and screamed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”
 The Almighty God sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”
Just then Preacher Decoux hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was an impossible 430 yard shot, hole in one!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at  God and asked, “Why did you let him make that amazing shot?”
The Almighty God smiled and answered, --------------------- “Who’s he going to tell”????????  :-   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on March 03, 2018, 10:43:39 AM
Fun Fact:
 A whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a whole new hilarious dimension to a rather tiresome old practical joke. ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 06, 2018, 02:26:53 AM
Do you think Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can't remember the lyrics  or just  don’t want the mockingbirds to know? ;D


Today's tip--DO NOT plant those Cadbury Easter Eggs, I tried several times , did not even get a peep. ;D
 DO NOT incubate those Cadbury Easter Eggs , I tried several times and all I got were melted poops. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 10, 2018, 11:01:47 PM
The sign read:
Frog parking only ,
all others will be
TOAD. ;D

The sign read STUDENT LOANS.
A old lady walked up to the window and said ,
I'd like  a cute one , who's at least 21 years old,
and enjoys gardening.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 11, 2018, 01:22:28 AM
One of my hens has stopped laying---I think  she  has reached  henapause.. ;D

Old gardeners never die, they just spade away. ;D

The difference between annuals and perennials ---annuals die every year, perennials die as soon as you get them home.

Tulip, Rose and Daisy were attending their first  plant  parenthood meeting.
The speaker spoke very  loud as he closed with these words.
"Now remember ladies,  if you don't wish to get pollinated,---keep your petals closed". ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on March 11, 2018, 07:48:14 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/aa611031/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on March 12, 2018, 10:49:24 AM
SEVERAL REASONS TO SMILE
 
1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your
money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body,how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."

4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

6. The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

8. Amazing! ! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

10.. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?
That's my idea of a perfect day.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 13, 2018, 01:01:34 AM
Mrs Rabbit,  you hit da nail on da head.   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on March 13, 2018, 05:46:31 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-kZXdKK7/0/3f4f2634/O/Big%20Grin2%20%281%29.gif)

Thanks Rabbit They made me smile,
 Perfect way to start the day.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on March 13, 2018, 06:00:53 AM
Glad y'all enjoyed-----thought they were a hoot....and true!!!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: dsmythe on March 22, 2018, 12:42:55 PM
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.  However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.  After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.  On the way down, I asked him if his wife was meeting him.  “I don't know,” he said. “She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on March 22, 2018, 02:44:59 PM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-DFrM9xR/0/5b785fcc/O/lol-049.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 23, 2018, 02:02:04 AM
Mr Dsmythe,  ;D    Mr Dsmythe   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 23, 2018, 02:07:28 AM
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation..'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says my name is Kermit Jagger, and my dad is Mick Jagger, and he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, 'Sure, I have this' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and  he wants to borrow $30,000 and he wants to use this as collateral.'
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
 'I mean, what in the world is this?'
The bank manager looks back at her and says...



.....'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.'
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 23, 2018, 02:46:34 AM
THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.

 They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school.

 So they went to the nearest church,  but, only the janitor was there.

       One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us.

 Will you baptize us?"

 Sure,  said the janitor.

 He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.

 Then he said, "You are now baptized!"

 When they got outside, one of them asked, "'What denomination do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."

"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."
 "We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."
The youngest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"


They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'

 "I think it means we're----- Pisskopailians!"   ;D       ;D        ;D      ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on March 23, 2018, 09:38:14 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/aa611031/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 24, 2018, 02:57:13 AM


A little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
 After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,

Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?

NO  says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,  Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.

NO  says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,

Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks and a big bag of candy if you just hop on the back of my bike.

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and screams out...

Look Dad, you're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...

YOU RIDE IT!!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 28, 2018, 04:07:21 AM
An old Cherokee told his grandson, "My son, there's a battle between two wolves inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, & ego.
The other is Good.
 It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, & truth.
" The boy thought about it & asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee quietly replied,

"The one you feed."
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on March 28, 2018, 06:08:51 AM
That didn't make me laugh but it did bring a smile to my face and a nod of my head!
There is much truth in those words!
Thanks  for sharing
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on March 28, 2018, 07:29:26 AM
Crazyhorse--Good one.  I agree with Maggie 100%.   How true.  We reap what we sow.

Ben
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 29, 2018, 01:42:15 AM
Mrs Maggie,  Thank you .I am glad it brought a smile .

Mr Ben , Thank you . I agree.

This is a old fishing one if I can tell it correctly.

This fishin’ fever seems to be contagious, said the stranger, noting the long row of anglers perched upon the creek bank.

Yes, it’s contagious, all right,  said the man who had been fishing for 4 hours without a nibble, 

but not  CATCHIN'.  ;D


Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: MikeM on March 29, 2018, 06:14:15 AM
There is a lot to think about in both of those.  :)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bigboberta on March 29, 2018, 09:18:08 AM
Boudreaux & Thibodeaux were back at the City Bar last night, when Thibodeaux remarked, "I tink I'm gonna deevorce Clotile, me! She hasn't talked to me in six months. Not one word!"

Boudreaux thinks for a minute . . . then tells Thibodeaux, "Thib, maybe you oughta tink a minute before you do dat. A wife like dat is hard to find, yeh . . .

Bob
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bigboberta on March 30, 2018, 09:16:32 AM
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux got up real early one morning to go fishing at the lake near their house. When they get there, still in the dark, they remember that the best fishing spot is across the lake, but they didn't bring their pirogue with them. They are trying to figure out how to get across to the other side, when Boudreaux has a brain storm.

"I tell you what Thib. I'll shine my flashlight on the water and you walk across on de beam of light."

Thibodeaux tells him "Mais, you must tink I'm stoopid or sumting! I know you before today, yeah me. Jus' when I get halfway across, I know you gonna turn off da light."
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on March 31, 2018, 01:40:27 AM
Mr Bob,    ;D     Mr Bob,      ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on March 31, 2018, 01:42:35 PM
A little  girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. 
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

Ben
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on March 31, 2018, 06:47:13 PM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-DFrM9xR/0/5b785fcc/O/lol-049.gif)

Thanks Ben that was great!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on April 01, 2018, 02:18:37 AM
Mr Ben ,  ;D    Mr Ben     ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on April 01, 2018, 06:33:14 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-XSJZs4p/0/d4347569/O/PeepShow.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on April 01, 2018, 08:04:35 AM
Ha, Maggie----most imaginative!!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on April 01, 2018, 11:02:39 AM
Maggie== elneato.  Would guess  dance pole.

Inquisitive little girl.

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. 
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

Ben
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: dsmythe on April 01, 2018, 09:18:26 PM
Grammar Lesson
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words.

In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on April 02, 2018, 01:27:56 AM
Mr Dsmythe, I think he deserved the win.   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on April 07, 2018, 03:54:22 AM
Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?
 Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!

 Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?
 Because he was out standing in his field!

 What do you get when you cross a robot and a tractor?
 A transfarmer.

 What day do potatoes hate the most?
 Fry-day!

 What farm animal keeps the best time?
 A watch dog!

 Did you hear about the magic tractor?
 It turned into a field!

 What is a scarecrow's favorite fruit?
 Straw-berries!

 Why did the cow jump over the moon?
 The farmer had cold hands.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on April 14, 2018, 12:16:19 AM
Well with the tax deadline  near, here is a few  "tax" Jokes.

One difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.

It is more deductible to give than to receive.

Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.

An income tax form is like a laundry list—either way, you lose your shirt.

Tax reform is when you take the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and put taxes on things that haven’t been taxed before.

I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.

There is one difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist—the taxidermist leaves the hide.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on April 14, 2018, 03:56:00 AM
What is blue and not so heavy.

Hhhmmm  Light blue. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on April 15, 2018, 02:44:20 AM
Two men are having a drink in an  Irish pub one evening & one says to the other  Are you Irish? the other man says, to be sure, I am!, Where are ya from in Ireland?asked the first man, Dublin is me town was the reply, Be gosh N be Gorrah ,Me too. What street did you live in asked the first man? I grew up & lived in O'Rilley street near the Brewery,  My Lord said the first man ,Me too. So would you be telling me ,where you went to school?  Too be sure, I went to Saint Mary's Catholic School near me Home was the reply Well I'll be !, said the first man, So did I. And if you don't mind, could you tell me what Year did you Go to ST Mary's School, asked the first man?. I Graduated from there in 1964 was the reply. Bugger Me,said the first man So did I . With this in walks a nice looking woman who walks up to the bar to get a drink & the barman says,Your usual Therese, buy the way, I think we are in for a long hard night tonight  Because the Murphy Twins are Drunk again!!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on April 15, 2018, 03:10:50 AM
Mr Tazzy, ;D    Mr Tazzy,    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: woodchip gardener on April 15, 2018, 11:38:36 AM
lol tazzy...

what did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye 'maighty.

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on April 21, 2018, 01:48:28 AM
Two Vicars were playing a round of golf on Monday & after Teeing off The younger vicar ended up in the rough & said of his shot ,Oh Damn it I Missed the Bugger,  The elder Vicar let this outburst go & played a marvelous shot & ended up near the Green. The younger vicar took another shot & fluffed that one , saying damn it, I "ve missed that Bugger too. The Senior Vicar chastised the younger vicar ,warning him that he & God would not tolerate his behavior & If it happened again then he would not be surprised if the Heavens opened  & the young vicar would be struck dead by Lightening The older Vicar Played a great shot & and ended up next to the Flag with 6 inches to putt.The Young vicar struck his next shot & it landed on the green & rolled off the other side ,He muttered Damn it Ive missed that bugger too.There then came a loud rumbling from above ,the clouds parted & a Lightening bolt flashed down & struck the older vicar killing him stone dead ,then a booming voice said, Damn It ,I've Missed the Bugger.
                       Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: nuclearmac on May 06, 2018, 06:18:38 PM
whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts.................  get ready.....      beer  nuts are   $ 1.75  , and deer nuts are under a buck                                                                                                                                                                     
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on May 12, 2018, 03:55:46 AM
 What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
 Open toed.



 Why can't the flower ride his bike?
 Because he lost his pedals



 What do trees drink?
 Root Beer



 What is the best kind of guy to meet?
 A fungi


 What happened to the plant in math class?
 It grew square roots!


 What kind of flower looks like it just came back from a fight?
 A Black-Eyed Susan
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on May 14, 2018, 02:50:23 AM
 Our two old Irish mates ,Paddy & Mick ,went to a special screening of" Jaws"It was advertised  In Vista Vision with surround sound at the big city cinema .So Mick said to Paddy, ya knows I am Absolutely Terrified of Sharks  ,Even a bath scares me cause they might come through the tap  & so I am not that sure if I can be part of this reckless pursuit.  Look Mick,says Paddy, If it helps to calm ya down ,I will see if I can buy the seats in the shallow end of the theatre.
                Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on May 26, 2018, 04:32:05 AM
I was pulled over by a deputy sheriff last night.
Boy did I get lucky!!!
He was dyslexic.

 I received a ticket for an I.U.D.   ;D   

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on May 26, 2018, 06:47:43 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/aa611031/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on May 27, 2018, 10:43:44 PM
Counting Your Chickens

“If there were 20 chickens in the coop,” said the teacher, “and two were missing one morning, how many would you have?”
“Well,” answered her pupil, “if they were mine in the first place, I’d have 18.
If they weren’t, I’d have 2.” ;D

Outdoor Dining

“I just saw Johnson at a two-wheeled cart down the street, munching on a sandwich.”
 “Dining à la cart, as it were.” ;D

Chew on This

“Yes, chewing slowly reduced my weight, but I didn’t have enough time to spend doing it.
 Now, since I’ve taken up eating fast again, my girth has increased 2 inches!”
 “Seems to be a case of----- haste makes waist.” ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on May 28, 2018, 06:28:38 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/aa611031/O/lol.gif) Thanks for my morning Chuckle!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on June 16, 2018, 01:35:45 AM
THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.

 They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school .

 So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.

   One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us.

 Will you baptize us?"

 Sure," said the janitor.

 He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.

 Then he said, "You are now baptized!"

 When they got outside, one of them asked, "'What denomination do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."

"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."
 "We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."
The youngest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'

 "I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on June 18, 2018, 11:22:00 PM
G'day Guys,
I just worked out that women are Magicians, they can take anything on the Planet & turn it into an Argument!!.
Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on June 19, 2018, 09:42:11 AM
G'day guys, did you hear about the wife who was fed up with her husbands fishing infatuation & when he went to the club for a cleansing ale, she decided to find out what it was all about so she took his boat a ways off  & dropped anchor figuring she had might as well read a while &enjoy the peace cause fishing was not really  her thing. After a while a fisheries inspector motored up next to the anchored boat & said what are you doing mam. The reply to the inspector was I am reading a book.The inspector said he had to take her in for illegal fishing in a marine reserve. The woman said I an here just enjoying my book. I'm sorry madam you are in a restricted zone & despite your assurances you have the tackle & the bait so if I leave you may begin to fish therefore I need to take you in & write you up for a fine.to which the reply was given alright if you must. Just as they were about to start the woman started yelling Rape at the top of her voice. The inspector rather embarrassed at the performance stated I have not touched you nor do I have any intention of touching you to which the woman said you may have the intent & certainly are carrying the appropriate equipment to complete the task & I am not to know that you wont. To Which the inspector replied ,You Have yourself  a nice day enjoying your read,and motored away. The moral is, leave quiet or sleeping woman alone to their devices unless you alone have a death wish wanting to bring  the wrath of the the almighty down upon your head
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on June 19, 2018, 05:59:47 PM
Hope this one is ok to put up here

A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her
mother told the girl's father to find out about the young man.
The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.
"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.
"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.
"A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you
do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"
"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asked the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide
for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.
The conversation proceeded like this...and each time the father questioned,
the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?"
The father answered, "another Democrat, He has no job, he has no plans, and he thinks I'm God."
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on June 19, 2018, 06:40:12 PM
Rabbit that was a good one!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on June 19, 2018, 07:19:00 PM
2x what Maggie said
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on June 20, 2018, 02:43:36 AM
Mrs Rabbit   ;D   Mrs Rabbit    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on June 20, 2018, 02:57:31 AM
What did one eye say to the other eye?

Between you and me -- something smells. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on June 20, 2018, 05:00:19 AM
Crazyhorse... ;D ;D ;D !!  BTW....the jokes on here usually get forwarded to all my friends. Just to let everyone know....they love them!! I give them their chuckle  for the day,they say.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on June 21, 2018, 03:11:51 AM
Mrs Rabbit , thank you.

 Ok lets  see some eye jokes---- the cornea the better. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 10, 2018, 02:31:56 AM
Why did the horse go behind the tree?
 To change his jockeys. 

What vegetable can tie your stomach in knots?
 String beans. 

 What did the carrot say to the wheat?
 Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Lost in Lebeau on July 10, 2018, 10:53:31 AM
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of s*** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences … but Dad always had those piece of s*** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think ‘Oh God please die …. Pleeeeaze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day …. he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire ….

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things: 1 – Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 – I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 – Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 – My left eye will not open.

5 – My right eye will not close.

6 – The lawnmower runs like a sumb**ch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 – My testicles are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 – I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on July 10, 2018, 12:07:51 PM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/aa611031/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on July 10, 2018, 01:23:34 PM
Lost in LeBeau----I hope I am laughing with you.  I certainly don't want to be laughing at you. That was a good one.


Ben
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Lost in Lebeau on July 10, 2018, 04:22:11 PM
Ben...we're definitely laughing together  ;D. I've done some silly things in my time but this one wasn't me.
Shane
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on July 10, 2018, 08:11:59 PM
G'day Mr Lost in Lebeau,
Today you gave me the absolute best Laugh I have had in a long time, THANK YOU +++++,
I do concur with Mr Ben , &  I  have also experienced the joy of electric fence contact with the resultant instant education, but this joke takes it to the next level.
  Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 10, 2018, 11:39:11 PM
Mr Shane   ;D   Mr Shane   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on July 18, 2018, 01:08:07 PM
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 19, 2018, 03:53:05 AM
Mr Ragun,   ;D Mr Ragun   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 29, 2018, 03:29:19 AM

A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son
 

    Dear Son,

    I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.
 We don't live where we did when you left.
 Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.
 Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

    This place has a washing machine. 
The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

    It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

    The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

    About your sister, she had a baby this morning.
 I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

    Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. 
Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off , so he drowned. 
We cremated him and he burned for three days.

    Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.
 One was driving and the other two were in the back. 
The driver got out. 
He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
 The other 2 drowned. 
They couldn't get the tail gate down.

    Not much more news this time.
 Nothing much happened. 
If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on July 29, 2018, 09:51:16 AM
LOL!!!    ;D ;D ;D ;D!!!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: MikeM on July 29, 2018, 11:04:34 AM
I usually get a chuckle but that one literally had me laughing out loud  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 03, 2018, 03:14:56 AM
ALWAYS REMEMBER IF YOU WANT TO  MAKE PERFECT CHILLI  EVERY TIME ,ONLY USE 239 BEANS.

If you add one more bean it will be TOO FARTY. ;D

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 05, 2018, 03:51:16 AM
Instead of John , I call my bath room Jim.

 It just sounds better saying I went to the Jim first thing this morning. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on August 05, 2018, 10:33:06 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 11, 2018, 04:02:56 AM
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
 The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little scared.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about.
 I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A Circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born.

I Couldn’t talk or walk for a whole year!” ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 11, 2018, 04:09:22 AM
I stopped by the post office today and a blonde lady was standing inside talking to an opened envelope.
When I started to leave she was still talking to the opened envelope, so I said mam what are you doing?

She just looked at me , smiled and said  duh , what does it look like I am doing ,  I am sending voice mail.    ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 14, 2018, 03:14:18 AM
This is not exactly a joke , but makes us think. ;D

  Name one item  that we can grow in the garden to:
 feed the cows,
 plant in the garden,
  we can eat,
we can drink.





Answer
 a watermelon - the juice to drink, the pulp to eat, the seeds to plant in the garden, and the rind to feed the cows! ;D



Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on August 14, 2018, 06:30:38 AM
Very versatile...and DELICIOUS,too!! :)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 20, 2018, 04:02:54 AM
You said you love spending time with your children...
.
 ..The first day back to school determined--------- that was a lie. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on August 20, 2018, 07:38:58 AM
Crazyhorse....LOL....my mother and her neighborhood friends would have a coffee party after dropping us off for the first day back to school....first time they could take a breath in 3 months!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 27, 2018, 02:21:55 AM

Q: What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A: A SnapDragon.

Q: What do you call a country where the people drive only pink cars?
A: A pink carnation.

Q: What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A: A rash of good luck.

Q: Why don't you ever iron a four-leaf clover?
A: You don't want to  "press your luck".

Q: What do you call a mushroom who buys everyone drinks and is the life of the party?
A: A fun-gi.

Q: What insect is musical?
A: A humbug.

Q: What do you call it when worms take over the world?
A: Global Worming.

Q: Everyone knows how the Green Giant dresses when he works in the field.
But when he goes to a corporate board meeting, what does he usually wear?
A: A three peas suit.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 27, 2018, 02:26:00 AM
Why are husbands like lawn mowers? 
 They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells, and don't work half the time.

"My mother's menu consisted of two choices:
Take it or leave it."
-  Buddy Hackett

 

What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
 Garden hose.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on August 27, 2018, 07:31:46 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on August 28, 2018, 09:20:03 PM
It snowed one day and all hell broke lose.

8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa.
8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended.
8:42 The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs ?
…and I am now called a sexist.
9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.
9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.
Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just a view of the world in which we live today, and it is only getting worse.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bordercollie on August 28, 2018, 10:07:34 PM
Hahaha  and what the last sentence states.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 29, 2018, 03:00:55 AM
Mr Ragun,  ;D  Mr Ragun   ;D

Tell it like it  " T  I  S "   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: DB on August 29, 2018, 05:42:34 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bigboberta on August 29, 2018, 07:28:15 AM
Sad but true.

Bob
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on August 29, 2018, 07:32:46 AM
 Perfect description of USA today!! Oh, the insanity!!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Lost in Lebeau on August 29, 2018, 09:56:26 AM
Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism.

After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched .

There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You wuz born a deer and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on August 29, 2018, 10:26:38 AM
 ;D ;D ;D  So funny!!!!!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on August 29, 2018, 06:23:47 PM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-DFrM9xR/0/5b785fcc/O/lol-049.gif)

Thank you for a good laugh out loud !
I got to do it twice once when I read it and again when I read it to my husband who also laughed.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 30, 2018, 02:20:50 AM
Mr Lebeau , ;D  Mr Lebeau   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on September 03, 2018, 11:40:41 PM
When 2 sticks of butter met. ;D

https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/40676344_1803477936400986_3159105740795281408_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=0819c528668307c5a421bf75005ae7c4&oe=5BF9DCA3
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on September 04, 2018, 07:05:46 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/aa611031/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on September 05, 2018, 01:06:28 AM
A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me?
Under your robe perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her.
The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
 
“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: DB on September 05, 2018, 05:49:46 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on September 05, 2018, 09:59:46 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/aa611031/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on September 12, 2018, 04:01:32 AM
Dogs can not operate MRI scanners---but  "catscan". ;D

Our mountains are not just funny, they are "hill areas". ;D

Turning vegan would be a big "missed steak". ;D

Well , to be frank, I would have to change my name. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on September 12, 2018, 06:07:09 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/aa611031/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on September 17, 2018, 02:34:19 AM
What do you call a hobo that can't catch a train?

.a SLOBO!!! ;D

 When is a door not a door?

 When it’s ajar! ;D



Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on September 17, 2018, 07:10:43 AM
You know , My old man used to say ,a fine is a tax for doing wrong!, But a Tax , now that is a fine for doing well .
 Remember,it may be ,he who laughs last thinks the  slowest.
If you give a man a fish he will eat for a day. If you teach a man how to fish ,he will sit in a boat all day & drink beer.
Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: catgrass on September 17, 2018, 02:46:18 PM
After 10 years a woman told her husband she thought their child didn't look like any of the family, so she had a DNA test done-and lo and behold-the child was not theirs!  Puzzled she said how could that be?!?  Her husband said-don't you remember when we were leaving the hospital he pooped in his diaper and you said go get a clean one?  I got a clean baby and left the dirty one there!





Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on September 17, 2018, 03:45:35 PM
LOL....y'all are killing me!! ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on September 17, 2018, 11:16:57 PM
I just had a physical .
 The doctor said don't eat anything fatty.
I said like bacon and burgers?
He said , "no fatty, don't eat anything". ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on September 18, 2018, 06:31:11 AM
Thanks for my morning chuckle!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on September 22, 2018, 08:30:02 PM
This older Gentleman & a much younger lady walked into a jewelers & were looking at rings , So the proprietor walked up & asked if he could be of assistance. The Gent said he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend . The jeweler pulled out a tray of rings that were valued at 5000 dollars, a ring, & the gent said he wanted something more in Keeping with the ladies beauty. So, a tray was retrieved from the safe & he was told these beauties started at 40,000 dollars  each .The young lady was transfixed on one particular ring ,So the gent chose it & The  young woman squealed in delight The old fellow said he would pay for it by cheque straight away, understanding that it was to be  picked up when the clearance from the bank was approved. A week went by & an angry Jeweler contacted the elderly Gent & told him that  the checque had bounced & his account was empty, to which the old boy said I know it is , but can I tell you about the Greatest week of my life.
 Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on September 23, 2018, 02:49:57 AM
Mr Tazzy,     Mr Tazzy 
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on September 23, 2018, 07:12:42 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/aa611031/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bigboberta on September 23, 2018, 10:19:18 AM
Poor Boudreaux
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: DB on September 23, 2018, 06:30:06 PM
This is true, ya.    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on September 24, 2018, 03:26:36 AM
Mr Bob   ;D    Mr Bob    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on September 28, 2018, 08:08:24 PM
Father O'Rilley walked down the road in Donaligal Ireland & came to a Pub, He walked in the door & then up to the first Man he saw drinking there & asked him if he wanted to go to heaven, the reply was I certainly do Father, so the priest asked him to stand by the wall in the corner. He saw a second man & asked him if he wanted to go to heaven ,to which his reply was he too wished to go to heaven So the priest asked him to stand in the corner with the other fine Catholic Lad. Paddy, upon witnessing the first two men, when asked by the priest if he wished to Go to Heaven replied ,NO, to which the shocked priest retorted , I thought you were a true Christian & would want to go to Heaven when you Died. Paddy replied in that case I most certainly do when I die, but I thought you was organizing a tour right now & I have not finished me drink.
Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on October 03, 2018, 10:47:34 PM
An Old  Mate of mine  was very Excited ,telling me he saved himself  a small fortune & put a good deposit down on a new Ute .I asked him what was this  miraculous solution that saved him a fortune, to which he said ,Since I was a small child I have been scared  that  someone or something was under his bed at night & he could not sleep properly . He told me he went to a psychologist to find out what it would cost to get fixed  & was advised that he would require therapy 3 times a week for a year but after that he would guarantee this chap would  be cured.He said he would consider it and inquired how much is it per visit,  The Answer was $ 80  X #3 visits a week X 52weeks , about $12,480 in total costs , He said perplexed at the cost  I  left the surgery  telling the Dr I  will  be in touch. About three months later the Psychologist saw him in the street & inquired how my old mate  was getting on.  The Old mate said he was cured & the Barman from the pub did it for only $10 bucks.to which this  Dr said that he had been practicing for 30 years & asked . how could an untrained bar Keep cure him for 10 bucks. Old Mate said the Barman told him to saw the legs off his bed , Aint no one gonna fit under there now!
Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on October 04, 2018, 03:09:22 AM
Mr Tazzy,   ;D    Mr Tazzy,    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on October 04, 2018, 05:11:49 PM
G'day All,
A call came in last night on 000 from an obviously elderly female  in the car park of a shopping mall , She was in a very distraught state & ranting excitedly & reporting that her car had been broken in to & the thieves had taken her Stereo system, steering wheel , break pedal, cigarette lighter , clutch pedal , everything. The dispatch operator was trying to calm her & sent an officer to investigate immediately. A few minutes passed & the officer called in requesting all back up be called off as the situation was under control. It turns out the female had got into the back seat of her car by mistake.
Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on October 04, 2018, 10:54:39 PM
G'day All,                                                                    Retirement home ?
88 year old "Bessie" burst into the recreation  room of her retirement village with her Closed fist held above her head & Announced that any man who could guess what she held up  could have Sex with her tonight. A  cheeky voice from down the back called out saying " It's an Elephant ". Bessie thought for about a minute and called back , Close Enough.
Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on October 05, 2018, 05:58:12 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/aa611031/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on October 06, 2018, 12:16:19 AM
Mr Tazzy,   ;D   Mr Tazzy     ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on October 06, 2018, 12:25:38 AM
Who was the biggest Knight at the round table?
 Sir Cumference. They said he became the biggest from eating Pi.  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on October 06, 2018, 04:12:28 AM
Mr Crazyhorse,  I wonder if Sir Cumfrence was the Knight of the round .
Did you hear of the old bloke driving down the Interstate when his phone rang & when he answered, his frantic wife implored him to be extra careful as she had just heard on the news that a car was driving down the wrong way on the same motorway he would be using . The old fellow said, Hell Margaret, it is not one car, it's hundreds of them.
Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on October 06, 2018, 11:41:43 PM
Three retired Men all hard of hearing were having a game of Golf , One gent said its a windy day , His mate said No its Thursday, the last friend said Yep I'm thirsty lets go get a Beer !.
Just out of interest does anyone have an owners manual for a Wife cause Mine is giving off  loud whining noises!!
My wife apologized to me this morning ,the first time ever, she said she was sorry she ever married me!
Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on October 07, 2018, 03:15:07 AM
Mr Tazzy,,   ;D Mr Tazzy,    ;D

Good ones.
Keep 'em coming.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on October 07, 2018, 03:37:37 AM
Thank you Mr Crazyhorse,
Did I tell you My wife decided to give me the night off kitchen duty but in return she asked for Peace & Quiet in the Kitchen whilst she was creating, So I took the Batteries out of the Smoke Alarm.
Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on October 07, 2018, 06:58:11 AM
Thanks gentlemen those were funny!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on October 07, 2018, 08:07:20 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on October 07, 2018, 10:39:03 AM
A husband and wife are shopping in their local HEB. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They carry on with their shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."   May he rest in peace.

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on October 07, 2018, 11:09:27 PM
My Wife asked for something black & Lacey for her birthday , So I brought her a pair of Football Boots.
I received an Email from a Bored housewife 32 who was looking for some excitement in her life, So I sent her my Ironing to cure her boredom.
 :-\ :-\Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on October 08, 2018, 06:39:37 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/aa611031/O/lol.gif) Thanks!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on October 08, 2018, 07:29:26 AM
Did you know there can be some advantages to dyslexia, My Dad had a mild case & whenever he caught me swearing he would wash my mouth out with soup!!
  Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on October 09, 2018, 02:25:10 AM
With everything that is being studied in this world ,Scientific studies have isolated a food that reduces a woman's sex drive by 90%,It is called Wedding Cake.
LOL Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on October 09, 2018, 04:35:55 AM
Did I tell you all that my wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for her, I would have done if I had not been trying to swim to the surface at the time.
Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on October 09, 2018, 07:19:36 AM
 ;D ;D ;D....ha, you are on a roll!!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on October 10, 2018, 02:05:06 AM
Mr Tazzy,   ;D   Mr Tazzy,    ;D   keep it up.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on October 11, 2018, 12:58:34 AM
G'day Guys,
Did you hear about Maisie , A resident of The Valley Aged Care Facility, Maisie ,in the true tradition of a flasher, had developed a habit of  running up to people & hoisting her skirt saying Supersex. Well she saw an old Fellow in a wheel chair in the hall & raced up to him hoisting her skirt  as she went, Coming to a stop in front of him with the skirt well & truly hoisted, She yelled Supersex to the old fellow, who was  totally stunned & after a few seconds Replied, I will have the soup, Please.
Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on October 21, 2018, 05:02:38 AM
Do you know what has Fingers But can't play a piano ?  A Glove .
What is a ram's favorite song ?.  I'll never find another Ewe!.
What do you call a room that doesn't have any doors or windows?.   A Mush  room.
What would you get if you dialed 19283746561007562984446218903457672098764532 ? .  A blister on your finger.
 Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on October 24, 2018, 03:52:39 AM
This old fellow was cruising on his little Honda 50cc motorbike , minding his own business & enjoying his ride when a young hoon  in a hotted up new  V8 roadster came up behind him & decided to impress everyone & have some fun. The young fellow threw it back two gears & tromped the gas cutting in very close to the old bloke as he screamed past, thinking to himself that is the last I'l see of him then  he took his foot off the gas & slowed to a safe speed.About 5 minutes later he looked in his rear vision mirror & saw this little light shaking & heard  a barely perceivable scream of a small engine & became very angry when the old fellow flew past at great speed. This happened two more times &  So frustrated ,the young bloke pulled up got out swore his head off at the car he had just paid a fortune for  Slammed the door , kicked the bumper.The old bloke went screaming back the other way,making this young fellow angrier still, this went on for a good while & eventually the old bloke pulled up beside the new Roadster. The young fellow said How can your crappy bike do my new car ,what have you done to it.The old fellow ,out of breath said, Thank god ya stopped mate when you passed me the first time my braces got caught in your door handle.
Regards Pete ;) ;)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on November 01, 2018, 03:04:32 AM
An attorney got home late after a long day attempting to obtain clemency & stay of execution on a young man on death row . He was bone weary & upset that nothing he  had done had worked in their favor , even the plea to the Governor  had not  received a reply. On entering the house his wife started in on him stating he had ruined his dinner ,it was cold & He would have to fix it as she was not reheating it for him.Where have you been? ,,why didn't you call to let me know your movements?, you have no respect for me & don't appreciate me or any of my efforts. In order to avoid an potential argument over her nagging , he just smiled sweetly & wearily climbed the stairs ,went to the bathroom ,ran a hot bath ,stripped & hopped in for a long soak. About 40 minutes later the phone rang & his wife answered & was told that her husbands client, Jim Wright,  had been granted the last minute petition by the Governor & was not being executed  tonight. His wife went up to tell her husband the good news & upon entering the bathroom was greeted by the sight of him naked bent over drying his toes.She said their not Hanging Wright tonight, to which he replied for Pete's sake Margaret is their nothing on this planet that would please you.
 ;D Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on November 01, 2018, 04:10:30 AM
Mr Tazzy,    ;D   Mr Tazzy   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: DB on November 01, 2018, 07:08:59 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ben on November 05, 2018, 04:53:13 PM
WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an  expansion of their
building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the
local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business  from
expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at
their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before  the
grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to
the  ground!

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning  strike,
the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about
"the power of prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the
church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that
the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her
building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine
actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously
denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's
demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the
defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't
know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from  the
paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes
in  the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that
doesn’t.”


Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on November 06, 2018, 01:03:46 AM
Thanks for the laugh,'Ben  :)
Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on November 06, 2018, 06:39:54 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/aa611031/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: dsmythe on November 22, 2018, 11:59:54 PM
now for the best IDIOT SIGHTING of all

 

How would you pronounce this child's name?

 

"Le-a"

 

Leah?? NO

 

Lee - A?? NOPE

 

Lay - a?? NO

 

Lei?? Guess Again.

 

This child attends a school in   Kansas
City, Mo.

 

Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong

 

It's pronounced "Ledasha".

 

When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

 

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.

 

If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

 


STAY ALERT! They walk among us......and they VOTE
and have babies.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on November 23, 2018, 05:49:03 PM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/aa611031/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: dsmythe on November 24, 2018, 08:24:29 PM
So I get home today, and my dog is laying on my porch covered in mud and has a rabbit in his mouth. He's not bloody, just dirty.
Now, my neighbors raise these rabbits for 4H and have blue ribbon winners. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. So I get the rabbit away from my dog, I take it inside, wash all the dirt off and before my neighbors got home I took it over, put him back in the cage and went back home.
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming, so I go out and ask them what's wrong?
They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage. Dsmythe
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bordercollie on November 24, 2018, 09:43:47 PM
hehehe. 
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on November 24, 2018, 11:21:09 PM
Mr Dsmythe,    ;D  Mr Dsmythe    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on November 25, 2018, 01:51:31 AM
The phone rang the other day at a neighbors house .
Ring Ring.
Hello ,Edna Smith answering.
 Mrs  Smith , this is Valley Pathology calling, did your local Doctor see your husband  & Take a Blood test ?
Yes, He did on Tuesday just past.
Well we are sorry to inform you that the sample has been confused with another Mr Smiths sample taken at the same surgery on the same day  & we don't know whos sample is who's nor   what is the  correct result for your husband & Medicare will not allow the tests to be repeated due to the high cost involved.
Oh My,said Edna ,What can we do now?
Look, My advice is that both Patients results were not Good , the first one being a Rapidly advancing form of Alzheimer's & the other is H.I.V.. So ,as you asked,& I want to help , If I were you I would take your husband for a long drive to town & leave him there,  if He comes home then do not sleep with him.
Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on November 25, 2018, 01:56:44 AM
Mr Tazzy,   ;D    Mr Tazzy   ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on November 25, 2018, 04:53:51 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/aa611031/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on November 27, 2018, 03:11:55 AM
Surprise, surprise, the oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple with extremely limited memory, only one byte.
Then everything crashed. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on November 27, 2018, 06:14:38 AM
 ::) ??? ??? ;D :D :D 8) 8) Mr Crazyhorse, Mr Crazyhorse.Well Done
Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Tazzy Turfer on December 01, 2018, 12:28:26 AM
William Golding ( 1911 /1993 ) was a ,English writer, , Humorist , & Poet was heard to have  said that any male that underestimates the capability of a woman will be very sad case indeed because they take anything given to them & multiply improve & Expand it .To prove his case he said , if you give a woman sperm, she will give you a baby, If you give a woman a house she will give you a home. If you give a woman Groceries she will give you magnificent meals. If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart. Remember she multiplies or expands anything given her, so If you give her any crap expect to be buried in tons of  S*IT,
Regards Pete
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on December 01, 2018, 02:45:26 AM
Mr Tazzy,  ;D  Mr Tazzy  , ;D

Me think him b rite. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Notalotofarm on December 06, 2018, 08:55:14 AM
IF ADAM AND EVE HAD BEEN CAJUNS THE WORLD WOULD NOT BE IN THE MESS IT IS IN.    they would not have messed with the apple -- they woulda just eaten the snake-----------
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on December 07, 2018, 04:11:03 AM
Mr Notalot,  ;D  Mr Notalot,  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on December 10, 2018, 03:04:06 AM
A child asked his father,  How were people born?
 So his father said,  Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.
 The child ran back to his father and said, You lied to me!
 His father replied,
No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.

 
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on December 10, 2018, 07:40:36 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-DFrM9xR/0/5b785fcc/O/lol-049.gif) Thanks Gentlemen!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on December 16, 2018, 02:08:48 AM
Ever wondered why frogs are so happy?===They eat what ever bugs them. ;D

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Boy: No...
Girl: I am the principal's daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Girl: No...
Boy: Good!  Walks away


A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
 Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
She said, "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like, hello? -----It's only 25 cents!" ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: dsmythe on December 31, 2018, 12:47:14 AM
New
> Text to phone:
>
> Hi Fred this is Richard, next Door. I’ve got a
>
> Confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt
>
> For a few months and have been trying to get
>
> Up the courage to tell you face to face.
>
> At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live
>
> with myself a minute longer without you knowing
>
> about this. The truth is that when you’re not around
>
> I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night.
>
> In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been
>
> getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse.
>
> The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt
>
> and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.
>
> Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you
>
> Regards Richard
>
>
>
> Neighbor’s Response:
>
>
>
> Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun
>
> and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured
>
> himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
>
> Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second
>
> Text from Richard…..
>
>
>
> Second text message:
>
>
>
> Hi Fred,
>
> Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text,
>
> I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned
>
> Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh?
>
> It’ll be the death of us all.
>
> Regards Richard
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on December 31, 2018, 04:01:26 AM
Mr Dsmythe, ;D  Mr Dsmythe,    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 02, 2019, 01:58:46 AM
Reminiscing  a little tonight .

I can remember 2018 like it was yesterday. ;D


Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly----and poor. ;D

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
-Snowballs. ;D

Women really know how to hold a grudge.
My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
 It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me! ;D

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on. ;D

Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, "He’s been crying  all the way home. Isn’t he sick or something?"
 
"No, replies the wife,  ---
he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie."


Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on January 03, 2019, 07:59:20 AM
 ;D ;D ;D!!!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Lost in Lebeau on January 03, 2019, 12:23:31 PM
Boudreaux is walking down the sidewalk when he meets up with Thibodeaux carrying a brown paper bag.
Boudreaux: Whatchu got in dat bag Thib?
Thibodeaux: Mais I got me some beers in dere.
Boudreaux: If I guess how many beers you got in dere, you gonna gimme one?
Thibodeaux: Mais I tell you what Boudreaux, if you guess how many beers I got in dere I'm gonna give you both of 'em...
Boudreaux: OK....three?
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Double B on January 03, 2019, 07:44:41 PM
Boudreaux's wife had been pregnant for quite some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the hospital and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy and the doctor looked over and said, " Boudreaux, you just had a son! Ain't dat something?"

Boudreaux got so excited about dis but just then the doctor looked up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"
The doctor then delivered a baby girl. Hey said, "Het Boudreaux, you got yourself a little girl"
Boudreaux got a puzzled look on his face and all of the sudden the doctor said, "Hold on, we ain't finished yet!"
Then he delivered another baby boy.

When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their three babies, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night we ran out a Vaseline and had to use dat "Tree-in-one oil?"
His wife said, "Yeah I do!" Boudreaux said, " Its a good ting we didn't use WD-40!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 04, 2019, 02:34:57 AM
   ;D

  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 05, 2019, 02:10:44 AM
A coworker had her baby in her car last week, didn't make it to the hospital.
 Her husband named the boy Carson.

 Doc: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry your wife didn't make it.
 Me: (handing the baby back) Bring me the one my wife made.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bigboberta on January 09, 2019, 09:38:01 AM
Boudreaux was walking down the street on his way home when he was stopped by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man, who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

Boudreaux took ten dollars out of his wallet, but before he handed it over he asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you spend this on hunting and fishing instead of food?” Boudreaux asked.

“Are you NUTS?” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t fished or hunted in over 20 years!!”

“Well,” said Boudreaux, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?”

Boudreaux replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, hunting and fishing.”

🙂
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 16, 2019, 02:53:20 AM
 I combined  a laxative with alphabet soup ---think I will call it "letter rip". ;D




Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 29, 2019, 02:35:08 AM
Has anyone heard from Mr Ben?
I miss his posts and hope he is doing well.
I hope he is just busy.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on January 29, 2019, 05:46:37 AM
Crazyhorse....Last I heard from him was Sunday afternoon.Hope to hear soon.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on January 29, 2019, 10:44:26 PM
Has anyone heard from Mr Ben?
I miss his posts and hope he is doing well.
I hope he is just busy.


I'm sorry I posted this in the wrong place.
I was trying to post it in "missing forum members"  thread.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 06, 2019, 03:03:25 AM
The Husband got out of bed & came into the kitchen & saw a note his wife left on the table.

 John Deere, I am leaving you.
 In Case you don't know why, it is because my cousin Oliver told me you were messing around with Allis-Chalmers .
 I can't believe I thought you were on the Farmall those times. ;D     ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 06, 2019, 03:05:37 AM
Well with tax time coming up I just had to post this.

 Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.
Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road.
 The policeman stopped traffic and recovered the box.
 It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
 "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
 Amazed, the driver asked for what.
 The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion." ;D    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on February 06, 2019, 03:28:42 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 24, 2019, 01:39:07 AM
My wallet  reminds me of an onion.

Every time I open it up , it makes me cry. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on February 25, 2019, 03:02:52 AM
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento". When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on February 25, 2019, 07:50:39 AM
 :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Ragun Gardener on March 07, 2019, 09:28:02 AM
So I get home this morning and my dog is laying on my porch covered in dirt and mud and has a rabbit in his mouth. He's not bloody, just dirty.
Now, my neighbors raised these rabbits for 4H and have blue ribbon winners. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. So I get the rabbit away from my dog, I take it inside, wash all the dirt off and before my neighbors got home I took it over, put him back in the cage and went back home.
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming, so I go out and ask them what's wrong?
They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on March 07, 2019, 11:19:50 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D !!!!!!!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on May 12, 2019, 03:50:56 AM
Why did the tomato blush?
 Because it saw the salad dressing!

Why did the carrot blush?
 Because it saw the chic pea!

Why do fungi have to pay double bus fares?
 Because they take up too mushroom!

Which is the fastest vegetable?
 A runner bean!

What is a zucchini’s favorite sport?
 Squash!

What do you do if you loose your root vegetables?
 Home it will turnip

Why did the potatoes argue?
 They couldn’t see eye to eye

What did the lettuce say to the celery?
 Quit stalking me

What is green and goes to summer camp?
 A brussel scout!

What is the strongest vegetable?
 A muscle sprout!

Why did the grape go out with a prune?
 He couldn’t find a date!

What did the sweet potato say to the pumpkin?
 I yam what I yam

Which vegetable is a sailor’s least favorite?
 Which vegetable did Noah leave off the ark?
 Leeks!

Which vegetable loves animals the most?
 A zoo-cchini!

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on May 13, 2019, 04:38:25 PM
LOL.... ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on May 27, 2019, 04:24:15 AM
Hear about the dyslexic ?
When he was stressed he would eat lots of desserts.
Desserts spelled backward= stressed. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on July 06, 2019, 08:49:50 AM
I returned my Nike shoes to the store and told them that they hurt my feet when I stand for the National Anthem
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 07, 2019, 04:12:49 AM
Mrs Maggie,   ;D  Mrs Maggie,    ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on July 12, 2019, 03:05:18 AM

 Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
 She fell for the Big Apple.

 Why shouldn't you tell a secret in a garden?
 Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!

 What farm animal keeps the best time?
 A watch dog!

 What's the best part of gardening?
 Getting down and dirty with my hoes

 What kind of socks do you need to plant vegetables?
 Garden hose!

 Who's funnier than a goofy gardener?
 A Jolly Rancher.

 What water yields the most beautiful veggie garden?
 Perspiration!

 What new crop did the gardener plant?
 Beets me!

 What grows under your nose?
 Tulips!

 Where do farmers send their kids to grow?
 Kinder-garden.

 Gardeners earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, turn-ip the covers, en-dive into bed!

 What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
 Where's popcorn?
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on July 12, 2019, 05:08:34 AM
LOL....good ones!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 01, 2019, 03:46:49 AM
I looked for the sun all night----then it dawned on me. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on August 01, 2019, 07:41:14 AM
 ;D 8)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on August 01, 2019, 04:08:28 PM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/aa611031/O/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Monroe on August 06, 2019, 10:27:20 AM
Old men have their favorite stories and jokes---Buddy never gets tired of hearing the same story about a neutered cat.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: DB on August 06, 2019, 03:50:13 PM
It looks like he is smiling Monroe.  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on August 06, 2019, 11:50:34 PM
Mr DB, I agree.

Mr Monroe, I think Mr Buddy likes to hear the word "cat" when you tell that joke.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on August 07, 2019, 11:44:55 AM
LOL ;D  Buddy sure looks like he likes that joke!!!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bordercollie on August 08, 2019, 06:12:58 PM
I agree!!  Buddy  says it's a hoot every time and most importantly he gets some doggy ear sugar.  :)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on September 04, 2019, 02:08:01 AM
I was at the museum recently.
I asked a worker there if I was allowed to take pictures.
He said no, they  had  to stay on the walls. ;D

What did the  church pastor  say to get rid of insects in the church?
Let us spray. ;D


“What’s your name?” the cop asked when he pulled me over.
“Steve,” I said.
“And your last name?” he asked.
“It’s always been Steve,” I said. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: DB on September 04, 2019, 07:16:11 AM
 ;D   Your on a roll Crazyhorse.
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on September 04, 2019, 02:53:36 PM
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!! ;D  Good ones!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bordercollie on September 05, 2019, 10:47:23 PM
I need to send these to my Aunt Evelyn. This would surely bring a smile to her sweet self . Thank you Mr Horse ! :)
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on September 08, 2019, 01:08:30 AM
The husband, had just purchased  his  new dream car and  was somewhat reluctant for his wife to drive his prize possession...even to the Supermarket which was only a few blocks from the house.

 After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed,
 “ Dear please remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!”  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on September 08, 2019, 10:14:41 AM
Ha!!!!....excellent deterrent! ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Maggie13 on September 11, 2019, 05:14:10 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Other/Smilies/i-NFtDNCX/0/aa611031/O/lol.gif) Thanks everyone those all were funny!
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on September 12, 2019, 03:19:36 AM
When women get to  a certain age, they start collecting dogs.
This is known as -------- many paws. ;D

What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
 A Snap Dragon.  ;D

What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
 A rash of good luck. ;D

Why don't you ever iron a four-leaf clover?
 You would be  pressing your luck. ;D

Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: bordercollie on September 13, 2019, 08:15:13 AM
 :) :) :) :) :)  Thank you Mr Horse :) .
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on November 03, 2019, 01:40:46 AM
Dr Judy, thank you, I am  glad you liked it.



Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on November 03, 2019, 01:47:13 AM
Oh no. 
Clocks go back tonight and I can't remember where I bought mine. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: DB on November 03, 2019, 06:08:48 AM
 ;D  Me either Crazyhorse  :D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on November 05, 2019, 10:07:54 AM
My grandfather clock is still running the old time.....ha, just now noticing. Guess I had better change it. Have an antique wall clock in the back room doing the same and also haven't even changed my stove clock.....guess I am rebelling this yr!!! ;D
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: crazyhorse on November 05, 2019, 09:43:15 PM
You Might be a Redneck Gardener If:

You mow your lawn and find a wheelbarrow. 

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument. 
 
You know how many bags of fertilizer your car can hold.

You've ever cleaned your house with a leaf blower.
You empty the trash when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
 
You can amuse yourself for more that an hour with a hose.

You've been cited for reckless driving on a riding lawn mower. 
Title: Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
Post by: Rabbitproof on November 06, 2019, 10:30:34 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D