Author Topic: Joke for today--keep it clean.  (Read 96562 times)

Offline Tazzy Turfer

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #660 on: November 25, 2018, 01:51:31 AM »
The phone rang the other day at a neighbors house .
Ring Ring.
Hello ,Edna Smith answering.
 Mrs  Smith , this is Valley Pathology calling, did your local Doctor see your husband  & Take a Blood test ?
Yes, He did on Tuesday just past.
Well we are sorry to inform you that the sample has been confused with another Mr Smiths sample taken at the same surgery on the same day  & we don't know whos sample is who's nor   what is the  correct result for your husband & Medicare will not allow the tests to be repeated due to the high cost involved.
Oh My,said Edna ,What can we do now?
Look, My advice is that both Patients results were not Good , the first one being a Rapidly advancing form of Alzheimer's & the other is H.I.V.. So ,as you asked,& I want to help , If I were you I would take your husband for a long drive to town & leave him there,  if He comes home then do not sleep with him.
Regards Pete
Life is like a roll of toilet paper, The closer you get to the end the faster it goes, So don't waste any of it!!

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #661 on: November 25, 2018, 01:56:44 AM »
Mr Tazzy,   ;D    Mr Tazzy   ;D

Online Maggie13

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #662 on: November 25, 2018, 04:53:51 AM »
21' X 48' High Tunnel
Knox, New York   zone 4B

https://www.wunderground.com/hourly/us/ny/knox/12107

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #663 on: November 27, 2018, 03:11:55 AM »
Surprise, surprise, the oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple with extremely limited memory, only one byte.
Then everything crashed. ;D

Offline Tazzy Turfer

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #664 on: November 27, 2018, 06:14:38 AM »
 ::) ??? ??? ;D :D :D 8) 8) Mr Crazyhorse, Mr Crazyhorse.Well Done
Regards Pete
Life is like a roll of toilet paper, The closer you get to the end the faster it goes, So don't waste any of it!!

Offline Tazzy Turfer

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #665 on: December 01, 2018, 12:28:26 AM »
William Golding ( 1911 /1993 ) was a ,English writer, , Humorist , & Poet was heard to have  said that any male that underestimates the capability of a woman will be very sad case indeed because they take anything given to them & multiply improve & Expand it .To prove his case he said , if you give a woman sperm, she will give you a baby, If you give a woman a house she will give you a home. If you give a woman Groceries she will give you magnificent meals. If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart. Remember she multiplies or expands anything given her, so If you give her any crap expect to be buried in tons of  S*IT,
Regards Pete
Life is like a roll of toilet paper, The closer you get to the end the faster it goes, So don't waste any of it!!

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #666 on: December 01, 2018, 02:45:26 AM »
Mr Tazzy,  ;D  Mr Tazzy  , ;D

Me think him b rite. ;D

Offline Notalotofarm

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #667 on: December 06, 2018, 08:55:14 AM »
IF ADAM AND EVE HAD BEEN CAJUNS THE WORLD WOULD NOT BE IN THE MESS IT IS IN.    they would not have messed with the apple -- they woulda just eaten the snake-----------
"Not all those who Wander are Lost"  JRR Tolkein

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #668 on: December 07, 2018, 04:11:03 AM »
Mr Notalot,  ;D  Mr Notalot,  ;D

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #669 on: December 10, 2018, 03:04:06 AM »
A child asked his father,  How were people born?
 So his father said,  Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.
 The child ran back to his father and said, You lied to me!
 His father replied,
No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.

 
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.


Online Maggie13

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #670 on: December 10, 2018, 07:40:36 AM »
Thanks Gentlemen!
21' X 48' High Tunnel
Knox, New York   zone 4B

https://www.wunderground.com/hourly/us/ny/knox/12107

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #671 on: December 16, 2018, 02:08:48 AM »
Ever wondered why frogs are so happy?===They eat what ever bugs them. ;D

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Boy: No...
Girl: I am the principal's daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Girl: No...
Boy: Good!  Walks away


A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
 Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
She said, "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like, hello? -----It's only 25 cents!" ;D

Offline dsmythe

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #672 on: December 31, 2018, 12:47:14 AM »
New
> Text to phone:
>
> Hi Fred this is Richard, next Door. Iíve got a
>
> Confession to make. Iíve been riddled with guilt
>
> For a few months and have been trying to get
>
> Up the courage to tell you face to face.
>
> At least Iím telling you in this text and I canít live
>
> with myself a minute longer without you knowing
>
> about this. The truth is that when youíre not around
>
> Iíve been sharing your wife, day and night.
>
> In fact, probably much more than you. I havenít been
>
> getting it at home recently and I know that thatís no excuse.
>
> The temptation was just too great. I canít live with the guilt
>
> and hope youíll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.
>
> Please suggest a fee for usage and Iíll pay you
>
> Regards Richard
>
>
>
> Neighborís Response:
>
>
>
> Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun
>
> and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured
>
> himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
>
> Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second
>
> Text from RichardÖ..
>
>
>
> Second text message:
>
>
>
> Hi Fred,
>
> Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text,
>
> I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned
>
> Auto-Correct had changed ďwi-fiĒ to ďwife.Ē Technology, huh?
>
> Itíll be the death of us all.
>
> Regards Richard

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #673 on: December 31, 2018, 04:01:26 AM »
Mr Dsmythe, ;D  Mr Dsmythe,    ;D

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #674 on: January 02, 2019, 01:58:46 AM »
Reminiscing  a little tonight .

I can remember 2018 like it was yesterday. ;D


Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly----and poor. ;D

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
-Snowballs. ;D

Women really know how to hold a grudge.
My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
 Itís been a month now and sheís still not speaking to me! ;D

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on. ;D

Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, "Heís been crying  all the way home. Isnít he sick or something?"
 
"No, replies the wife,  ---
he was just trying to tell you he isnít our Frankie."



Online Rabbitproof

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #675 on: January 03, 2019, 07:59:20 AM »
 ;D ;D ;D!!!

Offline Lost in Lebeau

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #676 on: January 03, 2019, 12:23:31 PM »
Boudreaux is walking down the sidewalk when he meets up with Thibodeaux carrying a brown paper bag.
Boudreaux: Whatchu got in dat bag Thib?
Thibodeaux: Mais I got me some beers in dere.
Boudreaux: If I guess how many beers you got in dere, you gonna gimme one?
Thibodeaux: Mais I tell you what Boudreaux, if you guess how many beers I got in dere I'm gonna give you both of 'em...
Boudreaux: OK....three?
45 acres in the metropolis of Lebeau, LA (Latest Census recorded a whopping 110 residents!). Zone 9

Offline Double B

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #677 on: January 03, 2019, 07:44:41 PM »
Boudreaux's wife had been pregnant for quite some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the hospital and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy and the doctor looked over and said, " Boudreaux, you just had a son! Ain't dat something?"

Boudreaux got so excited about dis but just then the doctor looked up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"
The doctor then delivered a baby girl. Hey said, "Het Boudreaux, you got yourself a little girl"
Boudreaux got a puzzled look on his face and all of the sudden the doctor said, "Hold on, we ain't finished yet!"
Then he delivered another baby boy.

When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their three babies, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night we ran out a Vaseline and had to use dat "Tree-in-one oil?"
His wife said, "Yeah I do!" Boudreaux said, " Its a good ting we didn't use WD-40!
14.08 acres, John Deere 5055E, Stevens Row Hippers and cultivator, 8' Bush Hog, 74" Frontier Tiller, John Deere Z950M

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #678 on: January 04, 2019, 02:34:57 AM »
   ;D

  ;D

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #679 on: January 05, 2019, 02:10:44 AM »
A coworker had her baby in her car last week, didn't make it to the hospital.
 Her husband named the boy Carson.

 Doc: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry your wife didn't make it.
 Me: (handing the baby back) Bring me the one my wife made.