Author Topic: Joke for today--keep it clean.  (Read 59683 times)

Offline Rabbitproof

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #520 on: March 12, 2018, 10:49:24 AM »
SEVERAL REASONS TO SMILE
 
1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your
money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body,how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."

4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

6. The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

8. Amazing! ! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

10.. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?
That's my idea of a perfect day.

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #521 on: March 13, 2018, 01:01:34 AM »
Mrs Rabbit,  you hit da nail on da head.   ;D

Offline Maggie13

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #522 on: March 13, 2018, 05:46:31 AM »


Thanks Rabbit They made me smile,
 Perfect way to start the day.
21' X 48' High Tunnel
Knox, New York   zone 4B

https://www.wunderground.com/hourly/us/ny/knox/12107

Offline Rabbitproof

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #523 on: March 13, 2018, 06:00:53 AM »
Glad y'all enjoyed-----thought they were a hoot....and true!!!

Offline dsmythe

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #524 on: March 22, 2018, 12:42:55 PM »
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.  However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.  After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.  On the way down, I asked him if his wife was meeting him.  “I don't know,” he said. “She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

Offline Maggie13

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #525 on: March 22, 2018, 02:44:59 PM »
21' X 48' High Tunnel
Knox, New York   zone 4B

https://www.wunderground.com/hourly/us/ny/knox/12107

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #526 on: March 23, 2018, 02:02:04 AM »
Mr Dsmythe,  ;D    Mr Dsmythe   ;D

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #527 on: March 23, 2018, 02:07:28 AM »
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation..'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says my name is Kermit Jagger, and my dad is Mick Jagger, and he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, 'Sure, I have this' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and  he wants to borrow $30,000 and he wants to use this as collateral.'
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
 'I mean, what in the world is this?'
The bank manager looks back at her and says...



.....'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #528 on: March 23, 2018, 02:46:34 AM »
THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.

 They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school.

 So they went to the nearest church,  but, only the janitor was there.

       One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us.

 Will you baptize us?"

 Sure,  said the janitor.

 He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.

 Then he said, "You are now baptized!"

 When they got outside, one of them asked, "'What denomination do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."

"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."
 "We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."
The youngest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"


They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'

 "I think it means we're----- Pisskopailians!"   ;D       ;D        ;D      ;D

Offline Maggie13

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #529 on: March 23, 2018, 09:38:14 AM »
21' X 48' High Tunnel
Knox, New York   zone 4B

https://www.wunderground.com/hourly/us/ny/knox/12107

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #530 on: March 24, 2018, 02:57:13 AM »


A little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
 After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,

Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?

NO  says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,  Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.

NO  says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,

Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks and a big bag of candy if you just hop on the back of my bike.

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and screams out...

Look Dad, you're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...

YOU RIDE IT!!

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #531 on: March 28, 2018, 04:07:21 AM »
An old Cherokee told his grandson, "My son, there's a battle between two wolves inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, & ego.
The other is Good.
 It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, & truth.
" The boy thought about it & asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee quietly replied,

"The one you feed."

Offline Maggie13

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #532 on: March 28, 2018, 06:08:51 AM »
That didn't make me laugh but it did bring a smile to my face and a nod of my head!
There is much truth in those words!
Thanks  for sharing
21' X 48' High Tunnel
Knox, New York   zone 4B

https://www.wunderground.com/hourly/us/ny/knox/12107

Offline Ben

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #533 on: March 28, 2018, 07:29:26 AM »
Crazyhorse--Good one.  I agree with Maggie 100%.   How true.  We reap what we sow.

Ben
Northwest La. zone 8b

Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #534 on: March 29, 2018, 01:42:15 AM »
Mrs Maggie,  Thank you .I am glad it brought a smile .

Mr Ben , Thank you . I agree.

This is a old fishing one if I can tell it correctly.

This fishin’ fever seems to be contagious, said the stranger, noting the long row of anglers perched upon the creek bank.

Yes, it’s contagious, all right,  said the man who had been fishing for 4 hours without a nibble, 

but not  CATCHIN'.  ;D



Offline MikeM

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #535 on: March 29, 2018, 06:14:15 AM »
There is a lot to think about in both of those.  :)
Shepherds Hill Farm - Zone 7a
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19 acres in southern Middle TN

Offline bigboberta

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #536 on: March 29, 2018, 09:18:08 AM »
Boudreaux & Thibodeaux were back at the City Bar last night, when Thibodeaux remarked, "I tink I'm gonna deevorce Clotile, me! She hasn't talked to me in six months. Not one word!"

Boudreaux thinks for a minute . . . then tells Thibodeaux, "Thib, maybe you oughta tink a minute before you do dat. A wife like dat is hard to find, yeh . . .

Bob
Retired Firefighter.

Zone 8b.
Mahindra 3525
2.5 acres
Easleyville, LA



Offline bigboberta

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #537 on: March 30, 2018, 09:16:32 AM »
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux got up real early one morning to go fishing at the lake near their house. When they get there, still in the dark, they remember that the best fishing spot is across the lake, but they didn't bring their pirogue with them. They are trying to figure out how to get across to the other side, when Boudreaux has a brain storm.

"I tell you what Thib. I'll shine my flashlight on the water and you walk across on de beam of light."

Thibodeaux tells him "Mais, you must tink I'm stoopid or sumting! I know you before today, yeah me. Jus' when I get halfway across, I know you gonna turn off da light."
Retired Firefighter.

Zone 8b.
Mahindra 3525
2.5 acres
Easleyville, LA



Offline crazyhorse

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #538 on: March 31, 2018, 01:40:27 AM »
Mr Bob,    ;D     Mr Bob,      ;D

Offline Ben

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Re: Joke for today--keep it clean.
« Reply #539 on: March 31, 2018, 01:42:35 PM »
A little  girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. 
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

Ben
Northwest La. zone 8b